The most brilliant stupid thing I’ve ever seen.
The Instant Face Lift.

Getting older is gross.

I’d love to say I think growing old gracefully is the way to go but I’m not so sure about that. There isn’t anything very graceful about an ass that hits the back of your knees.

But at least you can improve your ass with a good pair of jeans. We can disguise flabby arms with long sleeves and bad hair with hats.

But what do you do when you’re having a bad face day? Surgery is an option but that’s incredibly frightening. Botox and fillers are an option but they can lead to frightening results if they aren’t used properly plus there’s the whole issue with not being able to show you’re angry with the spouse who just farted next to you.

So what’s a gal to do when she wakes up one morning and realizes the face staring back at her is the very same one she had in highschool. Only melted.

The stick on face corset.

That’s what.

Yup. A couple of elastic bands and some super strength tape.

You too can have the face of your youth by wrapping your head in the packaging from a Barbie doll box.

face-corset-feature

Think plastic surgery for women is complete vanity? Yeah probably.

Why do more men decide to age gracefully than women?

My guess is it’s because when men get wrinkled they look more manly, whereas when women get wrinkled they look more manly.

But what do I know? I’m just a young, fresh faced lass of 17. Sorry, that was the elastics speaking.

Dr.(ish) Karen Bertelsen
phD, BSc, oLd l.a.DY

The Instant Face lift sells for $16 on Amazon and gets a rating of 3.5 stars out of 5. The most brilliant stupid thing I’ve ever seen.
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69 Comments

  1. Linda says:

    And for more lifting of all body parts, you can get ‘instant lifts’ here: https://www.instantlifts.com/
    We will be so taped up it will take an hour to undress and definitely hide the mirrors.

  2. Cynthia says:

    Perhaps it is the fact that I frequently stand in front of the mirror lifting my own sagging jowls and droopy eyebrows or perhaps it is that I am delirious because my four year has allowed me only three hours of sleep…I am not sure which…but I also see this as the most brilliant, stupid thing I’ve ever seen! Although, this could also be the result of the lack of oxygen to my brain from the non-stop laughing that has ensued from reading all the comments…”You’ll shoot your eye out” cones to mind…LOL!

  3. Susie Heller says:

    I love all the comments. Here’s one you will not be able to publish, but thought I would post.

    If you want to ensure a whole body lift:
    1. grab a lot of the skin on top of your head
    2. pull it up high drawing all body sagging areas upwards.
    3. Cut off the current sagging, stitch opening close, and you will have a youthful body and face.

    disclaimer: after many attempts with this surgery, one will eventually develop a curly beard of unfortunate pubic hair. Sigh……

  4. Shari says:

    @ Deb (comment #7), please tell me where you can get a facelift for $6500 because I would love some touch up work! I had a full facelift (forehead, upper & lower eyelids, lower face, under the chin etc.) 12 years ago and the surgeon’s fee was $10,000 and $2,000 to the hospital for Operating Room and overnight stay. It was THE BEST thing I ever did for myself and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I highly recommend it to anyone who is considering it. Just make sure you do your homework in picking a doctor. I recommend consulting with at least 3 QUALIFIED cosmetic surgeons and ask to see Before/After pictures of their work.

    @ Barbie (comment #45) Painful? Absolutely not! I had far more pain when I broke my toe! I would describe my facelift as “mildly uncomfortable” for a few days, primarily due to swelling. I never had to take anything stronger than a couple regular Tylenol. In fact, I had very little bruising and was back to work in about 10 days. People tell me I still look younger than my almost 61 years but nevertheless, time and gravity are still at work and there are a few areas I would love to have touched up. However, the thing holding me back (besides money) is I fear maybe we all only get one chance for a natural looking result and after that you just end up looking like Joan Rivers. Yikes!

  5. Deb says:

    I’ve heard of these but have never actually seen one. I wonder how uncomfortable it is, especially since that’s exactly the area I get tension headaches. I wonder about fillers, etc. I’d attempt a filler maybe but, let’s face it. If all the celebrities I see on TV, etc, with all the money they have to throw at the best plastic surgeons around can’t get it right, what chance do I have of a “natural look” while aging not-so-gracefully.

  6. Barbie says:

    Hmmmmmmm! My neighbor went through a facelift and I tell you…I don’t think I would ever want to go through that! Her face does look good but ….to much pain for me! I’m a baby about that kind of thing! Guess I will just have to look my age! YUCK! 🙁

  7. Debbie says:

    I thought we were past the times of the Barbarians and of Medieval torture. Ouch!

  8. Susan says:

    First, for those with an adhesive allergy, not all adhesives use the same glues. I’m allergic to a single band-aid, whose glue is so bad that the doctor immediately recognized it by name just by looking at the shape of the outbreak, she’s had so many people come in with the same issue. Curad large bandage that looks like this http://quill.scene7.com/is/image/Quill/120643_s7?iv=CnlqG1&wid=360&hei=360 but is made by Curad. This is not to encourage those with adhesive allergies to just willy-nilly slap bandages on to see which one gets a reaction, it’s just something I learned by experience…not all adhesives are the same. As for heavy-duty adhesive bandages, they put something on me criss-crossed over my chest as part of holding down the tube they inserted down by throat when they were removing my thyroid that took MONTHS to come off. Had I tried pulling it off, I would have lost many layers of skin. Most modern adhesives that are made to stick on skin, like the 3M version shown in the video, will remain intact if you get the skin cleaned of oils before applying them. So not too much FWAPPING or SPROINGING will happen.

    I’m 65, and can see doing this for a very special occasion when I want to look my best. Those come around about every half decade. A high school reunion might be a good occasion for it, and I’d definitely get a wig to make sure everything was covered well and probably glue some of the hair to the tape, just to make sure.

    I’m delighted you posted this, Karen. I’d always wondered how those lifts worked. A girl can never have too many tools in her toolbox to use when she feels like it. Just because you have a hammer, doesn’t mean you have to use it on everything, but it’s nice to have a hammer when you could use one.

  9. Sondra says:

    It looks painful. The lady is practically grimacing in the video.

  10. Grammy says:

    What Leslie said in comment number 12 perfectly describes what I thought (but better).

    Fact is, when you’re old enough for this business, your hair is also thinner, so it won’t hide a damned thing. I just live with the fact that I EARNED every wrinkle on this face, so if anybody doesn’t like to look at it they are welcome to turn away. I do applaud the lovely mother who modeled for the video — she’s a good sport.

    For you youngsters who don’t have the face to fit this solution, yet, you may be interested to know that some of us old ladies were actually young once and concerned about other things. I personally purchased a Mark Eden Bust Developer (google it) when a so-called-boyfriend replied to my question of “What’s she got that I don’t?” with “A Double D.” I dropped the jerk, never got a Double D, and never bothered with such things again. I just try to eat right, get some exercise, and laugh a lot. And the old codger I’ve been married to for almost 40 years calls me “Cutie”. Go figure.

  11. Anna Starner says:

    I’m not sure what was funnier, your post or some of the comments. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t finish reading the comments. Had to take a break and come back. Loved this !!

  12. christine says:

    Well even though I am as vain as the next 50 something chick, I just couldn’t be bothered! Or maybe I am afraid of it slipping, sliding, strings hanging etc. Ack.
    Trivia factoid .. Lucille Ball did this for years as she was terrified of surgery.

  13. deborah k says:

    so when that lets loose does it go FWAPPAFWAPPAFWAPPA?

    imagine the horrified look from the observer …..

  14. Cynthia@OrnamentalStyle says:

    OMG! I need to buy this right away so I can remember what I used to look like! Oh, no. Wait. That would be too depressing. Here’s to aging gracefully. Kicking and screaming the entire way.

  15. Linda S. in NE says:

    Well, thanks a lot! Now I have hot cocoa and mini marshmallows all over my keyboard. A month or so ago, (it was the elephant ride), it was hot coffee. I hope I don’t have to give up reading your blog and the comments following your posts because I can no longer afford to buy new keyboards!! Keep up the good work!

  16. jeannie B says:

    Very interesting to see the results on her momma. And the Aussie film was so funny! My personal solution is just having healthy long hair that I wear up, in a high bun. That and ” bangs” , which I’ve always worn and when the time comes, a BUCKET of make-up. Cheers!

  17. Sherri says:

    I just got my hair whacked off last Saturday so I’m not a good candidate for this method of looking more youthful. Nebraska has wind…a lot of wind. We are on The Plains, after all. Seems there were a lot of suicides among the early female settlers in the 1800’s, which historians attribute to the unrelenting wind. Having lived in Nebraska most of life, I believe it may also have something to do with living in a sod house without central air and heat, the spiders and snakes living in the walls and a ton of resentment toward their menfolk for dragging their asses out to this Godforsaken part of the world. But above all, I attribute the high rate of self-harm to having their long hair blowing in their eyes and mouth. Worse than a plague of gnats, really. That’s my theory. Plus, I look better sporting a cute, short hairstyle.

  18. lol love the comments on this one!

  19. Kari says:

    Wow. I read somewhere that Lady Gaga tapes her face on the regular. I heard it can really mess up your face though. I would only do this if I looked like the before.

  20. Nancy Blue Moon says:

    I..like Beckie above..have an adhesive allergy so I guess I just have to live with the wrinkles..Also..like Ruth..I’m about to pee my pants from the comments..Thanks everyone..!

  21. Lynne says:

    This reminds me of those infomercials for male baldness where you sprayed a bunch of grey or brown silly string like stuff on your bald spot. It was supposed to look like hair. I think it looked more like a dirty spider web – but what do I know?

  22. Suzanne G. says:

    A really tight ponytail would work too…if you’ve got long enough hair…
    ha

  23. Karen says:

    So funny! Be sure to watch the VIDEO in the reply #23. Really sums it all up.
    I do enjoy your blog a lot. Thanks for the laughs today!!!

  24. Joanne says:

    I saw something like that on TV once and it gave me nightmares. The woman stood in front of the camera, released all the elastics, and her face fell so quickly it was soon a mass of wrinkles and sags. But it might be worth a try, LOL!!

  25. MelissaM says:

    I’m getting a headache just thinking about wearing that for 2 minutes! Sheesh!

  26. Ruth says:

    Right now, I would be more over the moon about a cure for endometriosis than anything else, but after menopause – when all the endo drama ends – I may actually look into this.

    Then again… I have comment #12 to consider, so…. maybe not.

  27. kathleen says:

    might want to wear a medicAlert bracelet if you’re wearing this scaffold- if I saw half a face let fly I’d be calling for an ambulance to take you to a stroke ER. the deductible alone might cost more than a real facelift.

  28. Blandine says:

    OMG this is so strange – a friend just sent me the link to a great short Australian movie and this strangely connects to this post! Take 7 minutes to watch, it’s well worth it!

    http://dailypicksandflicks.com/2014/01/18/makeover-funny-short-film-by-don-percy/

    • Nancy Blue Moon says:

      That was so funny Blandine..I think they are trying to say it’s better to just be yourself..lol..Thanks for sharing it!

  29. Suzanne @ Le Farm says:

    I prefer duct tape as the universal tool for everything…

  30. Reg says:

    I haven’t laughed so hard for a long time. The Face Corset and all the comments are priceless. Elastics pinging everywhere.
    A close second to the Face Corset would be Duct taping “the girls” up. A friend of a friend did this when she wanted to go braless in some kind of dress. She had to go to the local ER when she removed the tape, ouch. I would have loved to see the look on the admitting persons face.

  31. Jebberjay says:

    Wow! That’s awesome. I will get one for my bald headed father … along with a nice long haired wig. Mom will say “John, I don’t know what you’ve done but you look fabulous!” and they will skip merrily into the sunset, hand in hand.

  32. Beckie says:

    with my adhesive allergy, I think I’ll keep my aging face as it is

    the resulting skin-peeling rash would far less attractive, methinks

    it is kind of ingenious, however

  33. Debbie says:

    I just keep imaging how traumatic it would be for everyone involved if one of the pieces of tape suddenly came loose and half my face was sagging and the other side looked youthful.

  34. Su says:

    OMG – too much effort….

  35. Tigersmom says:

    This would be the kind of thing I could only pull off in photos due to the high likelihood that I would have a similar experience as Leslie in comment 12. Only mine would injure not only me, but some poor innocent bystander as well.

    Do you think this was discovered by some grandma making faces with tape with her grandkids? I can just see it.

    “Hey Grandma, the tape when you put it on your eyebrows like that makes all those cracks around your eyes disappear!”

    Grandma leaps up in a speed she usually reserves for suddenly necessary toilet runs and stares into the mirror thinking to herself, “I have found it…the fountain of youth.”

    • Ruth says:

      Oh. my. word! Someone is going to wet their pants reading these comments today…. may it not be me… Hahaha!

      (I have to say that this discovery scenario seems plausible though…) 😀

  36. Louise says:

    OK, I’ll confess . . . I actually bought this from Amazon. It’s been sitting on my dressing table for 3 years and I’ve never actually tried it – it’s just comforting to know it’s there if I suddenly feel the need for it. This is the kind of thing that happens if you start cruising the internet late at night after a very bad day! (Don’t judge me!)

    • Karen says:

      I’m not judging. Like my title says “the most brilliant stupid thing” i’ve ever seen! There’s a definite brilliance to this little piece of equipment. And I’m all for doing whatever you want to feel good. ~ karen!

  37. meg says:

    I wonder if this makes even looser skin; face pockets. Like hamsters but less useful on the outside of the cheeks…

  38. TucsonPatty says:

    This is sooo awesome! I remember on the daytime soap opera The Young and the Restless that Jeanne Cooper playing Katherine Chancellor got a face lift on the show. I remember seeing that she used something like this – tape with strings to the back of the head. This was in 1984. They say everything old becomes new again. I want this. For my saggy baggy neck. And jowls. And the allergy to tape – pshaw, I say!
    Too funny – thank you once again for the laughs.

  39. Lesley Williamson says:

    OK I picture myself wearing all this … face retainer … (not this year but perhaps in 20 years or so) and attempting to smile, perhaps at at the grocery store, when suddenly the tape on my left cheek lets go, my jowl flops southward and the elastic whips around the back of my head and takes out my right eye. My shriek of pain almost, but not quite, drowns out the cashiers yodel of revulsion and terror. Chaos ensues. I can never visit this store, or go out in public, ever again. Its like that Star Trek movie – don’t ask me which one but Patrick Stewart is in it – featuring a decrepit alien race who have used medical techniques to extend their lifespans by hundreds of years but have to resort repeatedly to ever-more-drastic cosmetic surgery to prevent their ancient skin from dragging around their ankles. Not pleasant. Not pleasant AT ALL.

  40. Jenn says:

    Also? Hello, Photoshop.

    P.T. Barnum would be proud.

  41. Karen I am honored you visited my site! Shopify didn’t work so I do sell on etsy for now. https://www.etsy.com/shop/saffronandgenevieve?ref=si_shop I’ll throw some more mended ironstone on tomorrow, I just scored a great piece in Texas!

  42. jainegayer says:

    I’ve always wondered how they did that!

  43. This is funny, I actually found a kit just like this in my grandmothers things after she passed. The tape and string facelift has been around since at least the 50’s. I personally wouldn’t wear it, but: 1. I can see that it does work and 2. I don’t think it is any weirder than hair extensions. Google “Westmore Beauty Book — A Complete 1950s Guide to Vintage Makeup, Hairstyling and Beauty Techniques” . Or should I just send you the book? I think you’d enjoy it 🙂
    Scarlett

    • Karen says:

      I’m sure I would love it! I have decorating books from the 70’s and they’re GREAT. But if you want to send me something, send me the mended ironstone from your store, lol. I absolutely LOVE old mended china/pottery. You have REALLY great stuff in your shop. Fingers crossed one day you’ll sell online. ~ karen!

  44. Deb says:

    Ok so a facelift costs around 6500 dollars. These are $15. I’m wearing these 24/7 until I save up for the knifing.

  45. Vanessa says:

    So what do you do when you wake up next to your fling who doesn’t know he’s 20 years younger and your tape has come loose? “Oh my god, my face melted!”

  46. Bobbi says:

    I saw a woman on “Oprah” do this many years ago. I am surprised no one cashed in on the idea until recently.

  47. Agnes says:

    Wow. Ridiculous.

  48. Alisha says:

    Wow. “If you don’t have long hair, you’ll have to use a wig!” So now I’m not only concerned about my wrinkles, if the tape is showing and if it’s falling off, but I have to be worried that my wig is on straight too. Geesh! That was actually harder to listen to than it was to watch.

  49. Ema says:

    Wow! I’m headed right over to Amazon and getting this before it sells out! You’ve done such a splendid job of advertising it. lol Seriously? I’ll have to mention this to my 68 year old sister, recently widowed and on the prowl. I’m thinking she WILL jump on the bandwagon so fast she might break a hip. I’m a single gal… vastly aware of my aging body… I also am living with chronic myelogenous leukemia… I decided there’s lots worse things I could be going through besides having sagging and wrinkled skin. Haven’t figured out what it is yet, but I’m sure there is. 🙂 I smile and carry on as best as I can… as gracefully as I can… as thankfully as I can…

    • Auntiepatch says:

      So, your sister is on the prowl, huh? What happens when her new “friend” runs his fingers through her hair, releasing the rubber bands, and her face falls??? I can see it now: “Hey Honey, what is this in your hair? I’ll get it.” Snap! Sag! Screams from BOTH of them! LOL

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