An Open love letter to Idris Elba

idris

 

 

Idris Elba   

Age: 40

Occupation: Actor

 

Dear Idris,

I don’t know if you’ve heard or not, you probably have, but the fella and I have broken up.

So I figure now is the perfect time for you and I to pursue our relationship further (beyond me watching you on The Wire and thinking … yeah … I could probably have a really good relationship with a mid level drug dealer).

I appreciate the fact that you look manlier than I do. That’s kind of a prerequisite.  Even a feminist gal likes to feel like the gal. And since I’m often covered in dirt and wielding a power tool someone like Justin Bieber, for instance,  just wouldn’t do.  Also he’s too young.  Also he’s a douche bag.  Also I just couldn’t be with someone who obviously keeps losing his shirt.  How upset little Justin must be that he keeps losing his shirts.  If I were him I’d question my laundry service.

Johnny Depp was on the list for a while because he’s a bit of a weirdo and that appeals to me, but he’s prettier than I am so that’s no good.

Gordon Ramsay was also on the list because he’s manly but he can also cook.  Plus he makes a decent living.  Then I realized I’d never be able to cook anything for him, for fear of being called a f*cking donkey and having all my pots thrown at my head.  Also I have no idea how to make Beef Wellington.

So Idris,  it looks like you’re it.  You’re handsome and manly and you have a good sense of humour. I actually have no idea about your sense of humour but I’m going with the fact that you have a wildly terrific sense of humour.    You crack me up.  Heh.  We’ll be so happy together.  I’ve heard rumours you might be the next James Bond so then I can call you James, which will be a blessing, because I’m not entirely sure of how to pronounce your name. First or last.

I know this would be a long distance relationship, what with you living somewhere else.  Where is it you  live?  I think it might be England.  I’ve always wanted to visit England!  The Union Jack is my favourite flag.  We can go for curries and visit the English countryside.  We will walk dogs.  You will smoke a pipe and I will acquire an English accent by day 3 of my visit just like Madonna did.  We will have such fun walking along stone walls and picking daisies.   If you have time.  You’re probably busy.  I bet you don’t visit the countryside at all.  It’s always work, work, work with you.

Oh yes, I’m sure my moving to England would make things a lot easier for you.  Well you can forget that Mr. Controlling.  Do you have any idea how small the bags of chips are there compared to here? And by chips I mean CHIPS not french fries. See? There’s that too. Oh God. There’s going to be such a language barrier between us.

There is the redeeming fact that chickens outnumber humans in England, but it just isn’t enough to put up with your nonsense.

And just so you know, having a British accent doesn’t automatically make you charming.  You wanna know what’s charming?  YOU deciding what to have for dinner one night for a change.  You don’t even have to MAKE IT. Just come up with the idea. THAT’S CHARMING.

And you can think again if you assume I’m picking out your mother’s Christmas present. It’s your family and YOU can deal with picking out and buying their presents.  She’s not MY mother!!!   I have enough family members of my own to buy for let alone having to remember to buy your niece a grade 8 graduation present.

It’s always me, me, ME doing everything. It’s exhausting. You really should be a bit more considerate of my time and feelings.  No, I’m not a big time movie star like you, but you know what?  I HAVE CHICKENS.  YOU THINK CHICKENS RAISE THEMSELVES?  Plus I have a certain schedule I like to adhere to when it comes to eating and television watching and I can just tell you’re not going to be the least bit accommodating.  Because you’re selfish.

And I’m not entirely positive, but I think you probably snore. You look like a snorer. A loud one. Do you have any idea how nice it is to have an entire bed to yourself with nothing sweating, farting or snoring beside you? Well I do, and let me tell you it’s NICE. You’re such a jackass. You really are starting to bug me.

You think I don’t have my own life to live?   Well I’m putting a stop to this right now.  You’ve become way too demanding over the past few daydreams. I installed my own central vac. I’m independent. And handy. Plus I know how to spell most of my name in sign language. I’m a catch. You need me more than I need you. In fact without me you’ll probably move back in with your mother. So needy.

And I’m sick of it.  You’re suffocating me here.  Honestly.  Just back OFF.

We gave it a good try but this just isn’t going to work out.

Sincerely,

signature2

 

 

 

 

 

 

p.s.  Do you have Daniel Craig’s email address?  Thx.

 


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287 Comments

  1. Deb Miller says:

    Welcome back, Karen! This was SOOOOO worth waiting for! Sounds like you’ve regained your bearings and that you’re ready to get on with the business if being fabulous. Congratulations!!!

  2. hahahahahahahaha!!! I LOVE that you’re back, Karen! I’ve missed you so!

    ♥erin @ lemon-sugar

  3. Susan preston says:

    Missed you!

  4. Sara says:

    You’re back. Yippee!!!!!!

  5. Carol Ann says:

    Bwahahaha! I see what you did there. Brilliant.

    You were missed. Welcome back.

  6. Brad R says:

    WELCOME BACK, SWEETIE!! Great post 😉

  7. Denise says:

    He is WAY cute!! Nice choice 🙂

  8. Pati says:

    Well, it’s about time you dumped that no-good Idris Elba ! I coulda TOLD you he wasn’t for you but did you ASK my opinion before you jumped willy-nilly into another relationship ?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh and it’s so great to have you back…I have sure missed your utter awesomeness !

  9. Joel says:

    Welcome back; glad you’re here.

    This is one of the best things I’ve read in a lonnng time. Thank you!

    About 10 years ago I ended up single by surprise. It was not fun at all; but quickly I found that the only thing scarier than being single was being back up in a relationship and losing all that freedom (and not in a douchey guy kind of way; it was just liberating to jump on a motorcycle and decide to keep driving for a week without telling anyone).

    All that is to say, sorry to hear about you and Idris – and congratulations – sounds like you’re better off without him. 😉

    j

    PS I think Daniel Craig would have a whole other list of complications… 🙂

  10. Yetunde says:

    That was quite hilarious (in a british accent)I de-lurked just to say that. I too, am happy to see you back.

  11. Kimberley says:

    HELL YEAH!

  12. Toronto Boy says:

    Karen, you’re “hee-haw-hee-haw” hillarious and you have great taste too! Johnny Depp is one of my favourite actors but lately he’s kind of “boingo boingo” bonkers! A few weeks ago he appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel show and his mannerisms, his attire (whaddup with the cowboy hat Johnny?), and matter of speaking were just plain weird. Gordon Ramsay on the other hand is a class act in a unclassy sort of way! I normally scoff at people using foul language but listening to this guy lob F-bombs in Kitchen Nightmares and Hell’s Kitchen is just too hillarious! His use of crass verbiage is probably why I religiously watch Master Chef in hopes that he’ll serve just one F-bomb on a platter much to the chagrin of the contestants and fellow hosts Joe Bastianich and Graham Elliot. Now with this latest revelation that you’ve got this crush on Idris Elba, you’ve got me wondering whether I’ve missed watching one of HBO’s best shows. Soomeone lent me the box but I’ve yet to watch even one single episode. A quick glance at IMDB’s website, it’s lauded by critics and fans alike scoring a 9.4 by (what the hell?) 104,648 users! Sheesh! I guess next weekend will be resrved for a “season one” episode marathon of “The Wire”! One last thing … good luck snagging Daniel Craig … Since he’s English, he’ll also want you to move to good ol’ England in order to have a cup of tea with him and the Queen! 😉

  13. andrea meyers says:

    Lmfao. Welcome back!!!

  14. jj says:

    Oh mygod. Beer shot out my nose reading this. I love you Karen. That is all.

  15. Emma Todd says:

    Prepare yourself for more delurking. Missed your special breed of clever snark. Go buy yourself more expensive sheets and welcome back!! Relurking

  16. Edith says:

    You crack me up. I only found your blog about a month ago and it is BY FAR my favorite! You are such an adorable, resourceful, smart, and funny gal! Anyone should count themselves lucky to have you in their life. I’m certain that life will have great things in store for you!

    Greetings from Texas

    • Karen says:

      Thanks Edith! Sorry it was a rocky start to this blog for you … I can assure you from here on it it’ll be smooth sailing with posts every day. No more drama. 🙂 ~ karen!

      • Deb J. says:

        Welcome back Karen. Missed you. And drama is okay – just some kinds are better than others. So please don’t promise NO drama:)

    • SAMcClellan says:

      Edith, I’m in Oregon….all my ex’s live in Texas…and there’s not 50 cents difference, up here in in the NW. Men seem to all want women to “neeeed” them. Then you can’t pry them off the couch to do anything. I was considering Canada, as the sense of humor there is outstanding; but, if Karen can’t hang on to one, I doubt I’d be able to, either. I’ve always been, a “just step over ’em” and “get ‘er done!”, type. Patience & waiting are not my forte’. It seems that a need to love and be loved, is plenty needy, enuff, to my notion; but, apparently , not. Oh, well….been single this time, waaay longer than I was ever married or in a relationship; and can’t imagine having all that she described, to put up with again…ever….but, yeah, I might make an exception for a Daniel Craig, myself! 😉

  17. Stephanie Hobson says:

    Daniel Craig FTW!

  18. Ashley W says:

    Wow, Karen, just wow. As a girl (woman?) recently forced out of an 8 year relationship I hear you. Loud and clear. A non-sweaty, snoring, talking-in-your-sleep bed is a luxury I didn’t know I was missing!

    You did need me more than I needed you, and you did move back in with your mother. So eff you Idris Elba and good-turned-confused fellas everywhere. We have chickens to raise, and Daniel Craigs to bump into! 😉

    Thanks Karen, as always, for your perfectly relatable writings. And your resilience. And your humour.

  19. bbie says:

    Welcome back, the world feels better now.

  20. Meg says:

    Johnny Depp isn’t prettier than you are.
    You are most definitely a catch.
    I am glad to see you writing again, but at the same time I hope you are as well as this post would make us believe. I was heartbroken for you when you wrote your post-fella post, and I know it wasn’t a vacation you just took. Take more time if you need it. Welcome back.

    <3

    • Karen says:

      Meg – Nope. I”m surprisingly well. Of course I still have my moments of insanity but … I’m doing well. ~ karen!

  21. Mondo says:

    oh Karen, you’ve still got it and oh how missed it. it’s fantastic that you’re back on this day of all days. I’ll consider your return a birthday gift to me. and by the by, please send Idris Elba’s sweating, farting, snoring body my way. I will be eternally grateful. thank you and good night.

  22. monique says:

    you go girl.i have been waiting here in the netherlands for you!! …..-monique

  23. Marti says:

    …………And we’re back! WITH A ROAR!!!

    dc is married… fancy being the other woman?

  24. Jerrica says:

    I was so happy to see you on my reader again! It’s good to have you back 🙂

  25. Akeimi says:

    So funny, I think he’s pretty sexy too but a girls gotta enjoy her space. Good for u!

  26. Therese Bourne says:

    Oh welcome back Karen. I have missed you, and your first post has made me snort – it was so worth the wait. Idris Elba – nice choice, and backed up with Daniel Craig, hmmmm. If you get his email address and it doesn’t work out, let me know. Not sure what my Mr. B would think of that though . . . .

  27. Rhonda SmartyPants says:

    Uh, this is a ‘secret’ post to Daniel Craig so, please, if you’re anyone but Daniel Craig, this post is not to be read by you. Psssst…Daniel, if you should receive an email from the aforementioned fabulously incredible blogger, Karen Bertelsen, please be gentle, take your time and very carefully chose your words in reply. As you can see from the post above, she is returning from a very dark cave where she has been licking her wounds, reasserting her warrior-ness, and will need a few (ahem) trial runs and you may be one of them. If you should meet her – planned or not (is she capable of being a stalker? time will tell…) again, I strongly suggest you be gentle – maintain eye contact and back away to safety, for heavens’ sake – and consider that she is going to land on her feet soon enough, maintain an even more erect posture than she has shown before, and will begin a remodel project the likes of which none of her countless fans have ever imagined. She will do this project with not one, but both of her hands tied behind her back, complete it in a 72-hour period, and use nothing that wasn’t purchased at The Dollar Store. You, Mr. Craig, will not only be completely and utterly blown away by the amazing-ness of this woman, you will wonder what made you walk away from her and then something shiny will catch your dull mind’s attention and you’ll be off again chasing rainbows. Meanwhile, her leagues of fans – most of us being female and, therefore, wildly hormonal – will be watching your every move. Do not – DO NOT – even think about messing with her – you mess with Miss B and you mess with ALL of us. You only think you heard her call out with her chilling, “Bwah-ha-hah-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaa.” Wait until you hear us in unison (and across several time zones and the Continental Divide and …) as we add our “Bwah-ha-hah-ha-ha’s” in support.

    Good choice for the Comeback Tour, Miss B. I’m impressed, as usual. Idris as #1, Daniel as #2 – not real concerned about #3, but I’m on the edge of my computer chair waiting to find out who is going to be the Clean-up Batter. Lovin’ your teasingly deceptive entrances back into our lives. The Coop Cam was so touching – nice that you let the Girls keep us company. I’m sure they were hoping to help in some way. Nice that you included them. And the eye candy you provided with this post was delicious…ooh, la, la.
    Thank you and good night – thanks to you, my sweet dreams are starring both Idris and Daniel.

  28. Melissa L. says:

    Thank goodness you and Idris didn’t last… my hubs bailed 11 years ago, and I’ve been raising my son – 10 more months til high school graduation and then I’m FREE to live my own life – well, my life with Idris anyway. I know you are handy/frightening with tools and all that, but I think I could take you.
    p.s. Who loves ya baby? WE ALL DO!

  29. Karen says:

    Heck yeah! You got your funny back on! I am so glad, I truly missed it. Keep up the great work. You inspire more than you will ever know.

  30. dana says:

    Missed u so much Karen! Love your blog!

  31. Kate says:

    If you haven’t yet seen this you may well want to watch it before you give up all hope on your love affair with Idris…

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1474684/

    …You’ll take him back. It’s addictive viewing.

    x

    • Karen says:

      Hi Kate – LOL, I’ve seen every episode. Not that that’s all that impressive since the last season only had 4 episodes, I think, LOL. GREAT show. ~ karen!

      • Kate says:

        Yeah…. it’s not too difficult to watch them all in one short Luther marathon is it?!

        Well….. this doesn’t have Iris Elbow in it but it IS very good tv and I know you like a good boxset…… (it is also in French so you get to seem very cultured indeed!)

        http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2521668/

        Don’t tell me……. you’ve already seen it?

  32. LuAnn Agustin says:

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Karen}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Do you feel missed? You should. All this love going you way from all over the map…

    • Karen says:

      It is fun LuAnn. People think I “healed” quickly. I haven’t healed. But I am MUCh better. Much in part due to the readers of this site. Thank you. ~ karen!

  33. Nancy B. says:

    Another lurker de-lurking to comment. Been where you are at and it is so nice to have you back. It really does get better and you sound like you are well on the road to recovery. Wish you were here so I could give you a hug. I am so happy to see you posting again.
    P.S. Do share Daniels address! Much Love from California.

  34. Anne C says:

    It’s so good to see you back! To us your readers (thank you), to yourself all the more so (makes me happy). Such a funny, witty, beautiful piece of a letter — karenly, in a word! If he reads it, he might insist. Hope you’re aware of that (^_^).
    Anne
    (a French lurker, who never dares to comment, but had to, this time… Karen is back / she must feel better / she’s so good, as ever!!!)

  35. mimiindublin says:

    Hahaha!
    Never heard of that Idris guy (not a movie person!) but you’re better off without him. Daniel Craig is a much better choice.
    Love your take on Gordon!
    Welcome back Karen, you were missed!
    btw, every time I fold a fitted sheet I think of you and send good wishes across the water. I wonder do people (your followers) all over the world do the same? I have a vision of people folding sheets going “never would’ve done it this good if it weren’t for Karen!” in all different accents..including an English (and in my case Irish) one.

    • Denise Leavens says:

      I send prayers of love and healing to Karen every time I make beef broth, chicken broth and darn socks! Every time I make my bed with linen sheets and wear my FABULOUS linen apron I am grateful for her. I bless her name while putting lights in Epsom salts for my Christmas decorating, and grinding my own beef. Oh, yes. This girl gets lots of love and good wishes sent 24/7!

      (I would probably be praising her to the skies if I actually folded my sheets – they get washed, dried and back on the bed!)

  36. Kathy says:

    This is Kathy from Minnesota shedding my insomniatic cloak of anonymity to say hello as well. I hope you had as much fun writing that post as I had reading it. You are awesome, Sweetie.

  37. Jennifer says:

    Karen,
    I want you to know your fucking amazing… I think of you often in hopes for your return with good news. Not sure how u found you hell I’ve never followed anyone’s blog before but I look forward to them, I feel like we’re long time friends. Not even sure where you live…. I’m in Delray Beach Fl but I’m sure if you lived here we’d be bff’s

    Much love and looking forward to having Karen back.

    Jennifer

  38. Sebrah says:

    The lady is back!!
    Proper out loud laughing, just like the old days.
    I did half expect the open letter to just say ‘Marry me’, cause that’s all my letter would have said … dreamy … 🙂

  39. Susan M. says:

    Welcome Back – you have been missed. I’ve enjoyed the chickens these last few weeks but well… it just wasn’t the same.

    P.S. Not only is the Bieb too young, but he always looks like he’s got a diaper full – and who in the heck wants to change that? Eeewwwww!

  40. Dagmar says:

    Dear Karen,
    Missed you so much. So glad that you’re back. Your blogs are so amazing. You are one tough lady-cookie. …and now, good for you: you’ve gone over the dreaded first re-bound. No really, so happy to have you back. :0) Dagmar

  41. Jennifer says:

    This. Was. Perfection. Been thinking about you so much…which seems almost weird considering it’s someone I don’t really “know” …know what I mean? 😉 I worry about your little garden…and your chicken coop…and your reno…I hope you are able to stay there…if that’s what you want. I know you will be fine…but I do worry a bit. xo

    • Karen says:

      Hi Jennifer – Don’t you worry about me. I bought this house myself 16 years ago and I’ll finish off paying the mortgage myself. Not too much longer now. 🙂 This is one of those times where it pays off to be really good with money. ~ karen!

      • Jennifer says:

        OK…this made me so happy….I teared up a bit. I should have known better than to worry….so happy to hear this. Hear, hear to smart, independent women! xo

  42. Amie Mason says:

    Welcome back! You should watch Luther… Mr Elba, I’m having you for dinner! Yummo. xx

  43. Mary says:

    Welcome back Karen.
    Just want to say how sorry I am that your heart got broken.

    • Karen says:

      Thank you Mary. Me too. It’s horrid. But it’s definitely getting better. Time off quickened the healing. ~ karen!

  44. nycRed714 says:

    Hysterical!

  45. jenny says:

    Welcome back, so good to have you back

  46. Debbie J says:

    And, I’d bet that Idris would be the type to always blame you for any thing that would go wrong. Welcome back Karen!

  47. Adrienne says:

    Well done, as always. Onward and upward!

  48. Neil says:

    Sorry to hear about your second break up, so soon after the last. Bad luck.
    Just a few things….
    The English flag is not the union jack, it is the cross of St George. The union flag is the British flag.

    There is no such thing as an English accent, that would be like saying an I’d like an American accent, after all you cannot tell a Texans and a Californian apart can you?

    Chips? Americans love to rename stuff… The English invention ‘crisps’, so called because they are crispy. Americans, for reasons known only to themselves decided to change crisps to chips and then unnecessarily add the word potato to the beginning, only to remove it again colloquially at a later date.

    Chips are also made of potato but are not French or freedom fries. Chips, usually served with battered fish are slices of fresh potato deep fried in oil or animal fat. French fries are tiny imitation chips made with plastic and animal turd I think.

    Sorry if you are Canadian, I can’t tell you apart. 🙂

    *Disclaimer for the uptight reader – although true, this is intended to be a light hearted response.
    Extra smiley for emphasis – 🙂

    • Kat says:

      Hahaha Neil that was hilarious I am glad Karen is back just so I was able to read your comment.

    • Sara says:

      Insight from a Texan, with a Texas accent when it proves useful, the best chips are not made from potatoes. They are made from tortillas and are accompanied by salsa and a margarita. 🙂

    • Marty says:

      glad you clarified at the end I was starting to think you were being a jerk.

  49. Barbara H. says:

    Another delurker signing in. Welcome back!!!!

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