I had one of the biggest scares of my life. I've always wondered how I'd react if I came face to face with an intruder. Here's the good news; now I know.
Most break-ins happen in the middle of the day, in nice weather, in the summer. Those who break into homes don't like venturing out at night and certainly don't want to go to work when it's raining and risk frizzy hair.
So really, burglars are just like you and I, only they're missing a conscience. And a hairdryer. Plus they're shitheads, so there's that.
Here's what happened. If you know me, you know that I'm always building or breaking something. When you build something you need power tools.
And sometimes you needs to borrow those tools from a sister who owns enough power tools to build a suburban subdivision.
Pink Tool Belt had a compound mitre saw I wanted to borrow and it was at a house she was renovating. She wasn't at the house, but she gave me the key to go in and get the saw.
At around 5:00 on a Friday afternoon I drove over to the house.
I pulled into the driveway, gravel crunching under my tires, and walked towards the back door. I slipped the key into the keyhole and opened the door. I walked into a house that had that weird feeling of a home that isn't lived in.
An empty shell where sounds bounce off walls like lottery balls in an air chute.
Would you like to save this stuff?
We'll email you this post, so you can refer to it later.
Knowing no one was supposed to be in the house working, I was taken aback when I thought I could hear some sort of sound when I got inside. A kind of shuffling from somewhere in the house but I couldn't pinpoint where the sound might be coming from.
At that point I did what everyone does when they hear something alarming. I ignored it.
I took a quick look around to see some of the work my sister had done and then went to the basement to get the saw. Yes, the dark, scary basement.
I don't mind telling you I didn't entirely want to go into the basement. Something didn't feel right about this whole episode.
I ran upstairs out of the basement with the saw (yes, I really ran, the saw is extremely lightweight which is why I wanted to borrow it) and set it down to turn the light off. That's when I heard the shuffling noise again and this time I knew I couldn't ignore it - because I was officially scared.
I got that tingly feeling in my toes and a dribble of pee escaped. Those are the official scared warnings.
And then I did something really stupid.
You know in horror movies when the next idiot who's about to get killed goes TOWARDS the ominous sound instead of away from it? Yeah, I did that.
And because I'm a blogger, I also whipped out my phone just in case this was a potential viral moment that would lead to me retiring in the French countryside.
I'm O.K. The squirrel's O.K. Everyone is O.K. I didn't get to move to the French countryside but I did invest in a squirrel finger puppet which I will use as a communication aid in my next squirrel negotiations.
Christine
I would have stolen that vintage pink lawn chair and blamed the intruder.
Connie Bridgham
I just peed myself a little. LMAO. (at your expense; sorry!)
Thanks for the great Friday post!
Carla
That was awesome! Kinda expected the squirrel to come at you though.
NinaMargo
Goosebumps just from the title alone. However I'll bet he's telling his friends what fun he had with you! In Squirrell-Land, he's a mega-star.
Marlene
I also wondered for many years how I would react to an intruder, now I know too. Few years back while finishing my morning shower I heard big commotion by my front door, almost like someone trying to break it in pieces, then they tried the side door and the back door. As I was coming out of the bathroom I decided to take a look from the back window in my first floor. I came face to face with two guys peering through the glass wearing hooded sweats. They ran to the back of my yard and I ran to grab the phone. One jumped the fence to the neighbor's yard and disappeared but the other one decided to walk towards the window where I was defiantly and maybe stupidly standing while I had the police on the phone and was able to give a good description to the police of his demeanor and clothing. I will never, ever forget his cold blank stare! He suddenly jumped the fence to the other neighbor's yard and walked nonchalantly to the main road. I ran to my upstairs bedroom still describing to the police that he has removed his hoodie and the direction he was walking. When the police came to my door I turned into a shaky mess who could barely talk. They never catch them and to this day I'm scared to be alone in my own backyard. I'm glad you are fine and sorry for the long winded recount of my episode of the not so funny kind.
Karen
Definitely not so funny! ~ karen
Carrie
Hahahaha!!!!
That was great! When he sat on the windowsill looking at you for a hot second he seemed to be saying...."What the hell are you doing in here?!"
Thanks for the laugh Karen😋
Glad all is well. (and my was that kitchen floor shiny and clean! Lol)
Claire Bickley
OmGosh, coffee out the nose!!
"Let's everybody be calm."
So funny!
And PS, my 15 year old enjoyed his AF morning. Which he would think stands for something else but I mean April Fools.
Or do I?
Karen
Hahah! Glad it worked out for you. Glad AF. ~ karen!
Leslie from Hampton
Oh you scared me Karen!!! Good thing you caught the perp on camera LOL
Karin
Tell Pink Toolbelt she does good work!
Shannon
love that you used squirrel nut zippers! I have that album. You are a loon, and I love you for it!
J
I was so thinking that you were writing from the hospital, recovering from something awful.
Very glad you are OK! Sister toolbelt does nice work-very nice-I'd rent it in a heart beat if I move to Canada. She could say that apartment comes with pet. Full disclosure-how does she feel about couple of Golden Retrievers?
Please tell Karen-what are you building? Now that you have told us about-something-I feel entitled to know. Or I can just revel in anticipation,,,,,
Nico @ yumsome
Ha ha ha ha! Brilliant! And excellent choice of music too - I love SNZ!
I had an intruder a few weeks ago too; my drunken alcoholic landlord just randomly came and let himself in.
While I was in the bath.
Of course, he didn't know I was in the bath but flimmin' 'eck it gave me a shock. Asked him what the hell he thought he was doing, to which he replied that he thought I'd run off with all of his furniture. Why? Why would he think that? Because he rang me, and I didn't answer. Did I mention that I was in the bath? Guy's an idiot. And a drunk. I moved out of there last weekend.
All things considered, a squirrel would have been a far more welcome intruder.
Karen
I was going to say "time to move"! Or at least get bolts for the door. ~ karen!
Nico @ yumsome
I used a mop, wedged between the front door and the bedroom door frame! Now I live in a building with a lot of security!
Sammy
Haha you always crack me up Karen xD
Leisa Daly
You are an insane person! 😂😂😂 Hysterical😂
Lynda Dunham-Watkins
You funny girl! Love what your sister is doing to the house! Lovely.
Ev Wilcox
Well, not smart, but brave! We have black squirrels too, as well as grey ones. Once in a while there are combo squirrels-black w grey tails or grey w black tails. Actually, I toss unsalted peanuts in the shell for them onto my front porch. Some Jays and a pair of Cardinals are diners also. Just got a huge bag or dried mealworms for the Robins, but I don't know how to inform them of it! Well, unless you are "packing", maybe don't go toward the sound, go the other way, quickly next time!
Vanessa
I really wanted to see this but a 3 mins ad was a bit much.
Karen
Just reload your page Vanessa and a different (shorter) ad should pop up. ~ karen!
Alena
That's odd, I played it twice (not consecutively) and each time I had a short add. Probably the 15 seconds one like Karen said though I did not time it.
dana
You're hilarious, Karen! I was mixing up a depression cake today - not because I'm depressed-thats the name of it. I heard a squeak that sounded like my back storm door opening so I went to look. The door was locked so that wasn't it. Back in the kitchen and I'm adding more ingredients to the batter. The noise again! I muted the tv and really listened well. What was it. I had my daughter listen, too. Hear that squeaking? It was the lazy daisy door I was leaning against! 😨
Marna
LOL! Love it, figured it would probably be a critter or you wouldn't have posted it! We have been having lots of critters lately. My hubby has caught two possums, not babies, let them go in a wild area, two different nights. They should be able to find each other. I thought that's it, no more critters stealing the food I put out for a couple of abandoned kitties. My dogs were going nuts, thought another possum, but no, it peeked out from the side of my garage, a racoon! It took a couple of nights but it was caught and taken to a further out wild area. Thought ok that has to be it, we have never seen a raccoon around here in 34 years, but guess what? A huge one appeared, really large! So far no luck catching it, might have to buy a larger trap!
Larry
Somehow, I find it hard to believe that YOU would be scared of an intruder! Didn't you have a chain saw under your bed? I never leave home without it!