I had one of the biggest scares of my life. I've always wondered how I'd react if I came face to face with an intruder. Here's the good news; now I know.
Most break-ins happen in the middle of the day, in nice weather, in the summer. Those who break into homes don't like venturing out at night and certainly don't want to go to work when it's raining and risk frizzy hair.
So really, burglars are just like you and I, only they're missing a conscience. And a hairdryer. Plus they're shitheads, so there's that.
Here's what happened. If you know me, you know that I'm always building or breaking something. When you build something you need power tools.
And sometimes you needs to borrow those tools from a sister who owns enough power tools to build a suburban subdivision.
Pink Tool Belt had a compound mitre saw I wanted to borrow and it was at a house she was renovating. She wasn't at the house, but she gave me the key to go in and get the saw.
At around 5:00 on a Friday afternoon I drove over to the house.
I pulled into the driveway, gravel crunching under my tires, and walked towards the back door. I slipped the key into the keyhole and opened the door. I walked into a house that had that weird feeling of a home that isn't lived in.
An empty shell where sounds bounce off walls like lottery balls in an air chute.
Knowing no one was supposed to be in the house working, I was taken aback when I thought I could hear some sort of sound when I got inside. A kind of shuffling from somewhere in the house but I couldn't pinpoint where the sound might be coming from.
At that point I did what everyone does when they hear something alarming. I ignored it.
I took a quick look around to see some of the work my sister had done and then went to the basement to get the saw. Yes, the dark, scary basement.
I don't mind telling you I didn't entirely want to go into the basement. Something didn't feel right about this whole episode.
I ran upstairs out of the basement with the saw (yes, I really ran, the saw is extremely lightweight which is why I wanted to borrow it) and set it down to turn the light off. That's when I heard the shuffling noise again and this time I knew I couldn't ignore it - because I was officially scared.
I got that tingly feeling in my toes and a dribble of pee escaped. Those are the official scared warnings.
And then I did something really stupid.
You know in horror movies when the next idiot who's about to get killed goes TOWARDS the ominous sound instead of away from it? Yeah, I did that.
And because I'm a blogger, I also whipped out my phone just in case this was a potential viral moment that would lead to me retiring in the French countryside.
I'm O.K. The squirrel's O.K. Everyone is O.K. I didn't get to move to the French countryside but I did invest in a squirrel finger puppet which I will use as a communication aid in my next squirrel negotiations.
Loli
HOLY CRAP! You scared the shit out of me. I live in the big bad city and I keep the doors locked all the time. Plus I have the neighbor from hell and don't know when he'll go off the deep end. And just to keep things really joyful my Hubs like to watch ID channel all the time. You know the squirrel would be enough to send ME around the bend. Glad you are fine. You really had me going there. HAHAHA very funny!
Nicole
Loved the music - so appropriate, although it took me a minute to register who it was by when it started. :D
At least it wasn't a bat. I had one of those in my dining room. Scampering critters I can cope with, but ones who operate on a vertical axis as well? That's beyond my coping skills. I ran in terrified circles and then trapped it into a room and posted on Facebook looking for next steps, to discover the only folks on my friends list awake are in Australia, where the wildlife is ALWAYS trying to kill you, and they suggest I just nuke the house from space. (Instead my neighbour bravely went in and opened a window and the poor little guy flew outside where I like to think he lived a long and happy life.)
Lisa
Not ALL the wildlife is trying to kill you......shhhh our secret (and yes Drop Bears do exist).... we just let everyone think it is. Best way to remove wildlife - trail of food to nearest exit. Works every time - except for pythons - those I use a soft broom. :-)
Sara
Brought back memories of when I heard a latenight scuffling downstairs when there should not have been. I crept to the top of my stairs just in time to see a very real intruder walk from the living room into the kitchen. A frantic, whispered call to 911 brought several wonderful police cars with loud sirens a few minutes later, but the shithead was already gone. He had dumped out some desk drawers, left my wallet-cash but took a cheap pair of earrings I often wore, dug through a basket of clean laundry... and stole my last Sprite from the fridge. What kind of lowlife, freakish jerk would steal a girl's last cold Sprite in the middle of the night!!! The detective also said he had been in the house long enough to smoke at least 4 cigarettes, which he stubbed out on an antique oak library table. Anyway, it was a long, long time before I could sleep at night -- even after I had moved more than once. And almost twenty years later, I still feel like throwing up when I think of him sitting in my chair in the dark, smoking cigarettes and drinking my soda.
Jan
OMG!!!
Karen
Eek. That's AWFUL. ~ karen
Cathy Re
Two reasons; 1-had my “I’m not taking a lot of crap with me” purse. 2–that usher was tiny, but she woulda put a smack down on me in a minnit. They take seatin and chandeliers very seriously.
Carmen
We had a similarly terrifying experience the other night. Heard a large crash and naturally assumed we were about to be killed by a murderer/burglar. Said Murdererburglar turned out to be a raccoon, who thankfully left of his own free will. Pretty sure I lost a few years off the end of my life though. And now I have to dye my (now) grey hair.
MrsChrisSA
You know Karen, that's not nice!! ;-)
Consider I live in SA and the first thing I thought as I started reading was "wow, your intruders are considerate to coming during the day, ours normally come at night whilst we are sleeping".
But nontheless, a very cute intruder after all!! Wish we had those here!
Violet
LOL! Imagine that same thing, except with two raccoons that crash through a skylight, chase your companion rabbits around trying to attack them, and then run straight up the sheetrock and hang from the ceiling rafters 16 feet above the floor (leaving a trail of muddy raccoon footprints up your wall) until the police, who you've called in a panic, finally show up and whack at them like piñatas for 10 minutes with your long skylight-opening-pole-thingie, eventually knocking them to the floor with a sickening thud so you can chase the now freaked-out AND angry raccoons out the door at the opposite end of the house. And not one piece of candy ever comes out of those damn piñatas.
Susan Claire
Your last sentence make me spit my coffee!
Jenny
LOL! Wow, Violet!
My only claim to fame is helping catch a bat that got into our dorm hallway when I was in college--nowhere near as exciting as this!
Karen
Hahahah! I'd feel bad for the raccoons if I didn't know they can live through anything. ~ karen!
Violet
Yeah, the cop got annoyed with me because I was wailing, "Noooo, don't HURT them!," but they did drop through the skylight in that same room, so they'd already fallen to the floor from that height and were fine enough to tear around the house wreaking havoc.
Here's the funniest part, though, an epilogue...
A few nights later, I was out walking my dog late at night when three raccoons came loping along on the other side of the street. They looked over and saw me, and two of them froze, them looking at me, me looking at them, then they turned and tore off in the opposite direction. The third was left standing there alone in the dust, going, "What just happened?" I doubled over laughing.
I'm sure this is a cautionary tale that's been passed down to young raccoons around the campfire for generations since: the story of the Skylight Pole Man.
Jane Doe
-laughs- That's hysterical.
karen
You always make me laugh!
Paula
Lol! Love the musical accompaniment. You had me going, my heart was in my throat, you really know how to write a story!
Kim
You scared the crap out of me! Glad it turned out like it did and the music was perfect!
Carol
Love the choice of Squirrel Nut Zippers for your soundtrack!
Stephanie
A number of years ago I was living in an apartment that had a storage room off a hallway that opened up to a garage. If the kids were out playing the garage was always open - and usually the back door. This was back in the age of dinosaurs when security wasn’t an issue and children ran free in the neighbourhood. One day heard a strange noise in the very full storage room so I went in and turned on the light. A noise like that had ever heard before - just evil - spat at me chhhhhh
Chhhh chhhh - I slammed the door shut, collected the children, and drove off. I phoned me husband at the time and told him the children and I would return once he removed whatever was possessing the storage room. He did rescue us - and the kids had a good afternoon at Bullwinkles. We called it the Rocky incident.
Sandra Patterson Thornton
OMG you scared me. You are my hero as a single DIY woman....but geez! Only thing that kept me going was thinking that, well, she must not be dead or she wouldn't have written this.....
Karen
LOL. Nope. Alive and well. Although no joke, I think I hear squirrels in my walls right now. ~ karen!
Cathy Reeves
Glad you’re safe. I have a fear of confronting an animal like that and it freaks out and goes for my face!
In other news, I had to share this photo of one of the gorgeous chandeliers in The Palace Theater as we were waiting to see Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. It immediately reminded me of yours and I wondered if I should slip the usher your recipe for cleaning it.
They’d probably need to double it though.
And get a bigger drop cloth.
Karen
Um ... not sure why you didn't think to steal it. ~ karen!
Arlene Stopps
Hahah...that’s exactly what I thought you would say!!😂
Tina
I have a chandelier much like that. It takes 16 tiny light bulbs and is amazing. I got it while in Bratislava on a business trip. My kids were with me so I arranged to let them watch the man build what I wanted. It took him 6 full days but every single crystal was hand cut and buffed. It’s really something amazing! But my house can’t accommodate it, I have a mini house. I need to find someone who is building something grand and wants a beautiful chandelier.
Grammy
You've got to get a bigger house.
Tina
Lol! I just had this house built. I’m trying to downsize and get rid of crap. What I wish I’d done is put a copula over the entry and hang it there. But oh well, someone with a big, fancy house will love it!
Suzanne
You scared me! Phew!
Scott
Good song choice. One of my fav bands.
Karen
Loved it as the theme song to the show about a funeral parlour. ~ karen!
Kirsten
Me too! Need to dig it out and give it a listen at high volume again.
Jennifer
Love that band too! *goes rummaging through CDs to find it*
Carol
That was to funny! You are way to brave, glad you were ok and it was a squirrel. That could have turned out bad.
Elaine
I’m SO relieved you were okay, Karen! lol! You really DID give me a scare, though, and I actually held my breathe as you ran up those basement steps!
Jayne
Yikes! This leads off with a 3 minute long ad!
Karen
Ack. I'll let my ad provider know. In the meantime if you load the page again, chances are you'll get a appropriately length (15 seconds or so) ad. Sry! I hate that. ~ karen!
Stephbo
"Hey. Let's everybody be calm."
😂😂😂
Karen
Yeah, I was pretty proud when I watched the video back and saw that, lol! ~ karen!
Mark
That was very good....
It reminded me, since this is the 50th anniversary of "2001: A Space Odyssey" of one of my favourite movie quotes: "I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over."
Lisa
So Canadian. Love it. Politest squirrel wranglers on the planet.