Every so often readers send me stories of links they've found on the Internet they think I'll enjoy.
I always take a look at them. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes I love them, sometimes I think Oh my God. Do you really think I'd like that, you crazy person?
Last week I got one such email. The funny kind. Not the crazy person kind.
I beg of you. If you only click on ONE link this whole year make it this one.
It's a love story about a girl, a first date and a fart. Then come back here ...Read this Fart Story!
You're welcome.
I'll give you a moment to blot your running nose and wipe away your tears. GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR!!!
So, that's how that went for her. It got me to thinking that I really don't have any hilarious first date stories. Or any hilarious date stories at all really. I have a LOT of hilarious first day at work stories, and even more that take place in grocery stores, but nothing about dating.
I now have a craving to hear ridiculous date stories. That's where you come in.
Have a great date story? Tell me. Tell me now. What is the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you on a date?
Don't worry. You can divulge. I won't tell a single, solitary, soul.
Have a good weekend!
The last time I laughed that hard was reading the story about you giving blood....and your sister was there??? Details are foggy I need to read again. But the first date story was shared immediately with my friends. Now I wish I had waited and read it to them out loud when we all get together for a lunch. Dang it! Too late!
PS...I needed a laugh today....thanks!
The link now leads to a very strange page....
Thanks for letting me know! I've updated it. ~ karen!
I met a guy thru a friend of mine and we hit it off quite well. He had just moved back into the area and was staying with his parents while he looked for a house. His parents were old-style Italian Catholics and looked at me as if I were some wild pagan temptress (I was anything but!) who would surely drag their son into mortal sin. We dated a few times and on New Years, he finally spent the night with me. We woke up together and stretched luxuriously, when he let out a scream! His back had gone out in the worst way and he was in agony. It was so bad that he cried while standing in a hot shower and nothing I could do helped. It was clear there wasn't a prayer that he could sit in his car and drive home. I finally had to load him, blubbering, into my passenger seat which I laid flat so he didn't have to sit upright. I drove him home and, get this, had to ask his Dad to help me get him out of the car. They knew he had spent the night with me, and his mother stood by the car, giving me the evil eye as his Dad eased him out of the car. I felt like, "Here's your son back. Sorry I broke him."
Turns out he had a bad back all along, and that even a sneeze could have had the same result. But his parents were sure it was the wild, unspeakable acts I had performed on him that not only broke his body, but possibly consigned his immortal soul to hell. He actually had to have back surgery. Things just didn't work out after that.
One time during a first date, he literally just told me that he didn't like me and that his mom made him go out with me.... I slapped his face.
My now-husband asked my mother out first (she declined), how's that?
In college I went out with a guy who figured out that I clearly wasn't into him. He was too gloomy and depressed for me. So, then he proceeds to drive me around town pointing out houses he had helped paint through his job and then how he had no reason to live and nothing mattered. He said he felt like just smashing his car into a wall. I was fearing for my own safety and hoping he wasn't planning on committing suicide and taking me along with him. I was very relieved to get home that night! Well, I lived in the same apartment complex he did until the end of that school year. I don't know whatever became of him after that. But yikes.
Spent the early evening chatting with a cute guy, then downed a bottle of JD on an empty stomach (I was 18, and stoooopid); I remember leaving the building, falling in snow... and then I woke up in the hospital. Turns out, the bit I don't remember involved vomiting all over the cute guy, cab, sidewalk, hospital, etc. But, as embarrassed as I was at the time, it worked out. 10+ years later, and I'm still with the cute guy. Maybe showing your "worst" at the start is the way to go.
I know a woman who barfed all over the inside of her date's car on their first, and they've been married for a long time now.
Oh boy. I went on a date with a guy who showed up the the restaurant drunk, after several months of dating. I was looking at my menu, already ticked off that he showed up that way, when all of a sudden he dumps a few packets of sugar on my mini-skirt wearing thighs. Needless to say, I left a few minutes later and had to deal with sticky thighs until I got home. I realized after that date that I should probably set the bar a bit higher (it worked- and only took 10 years to find the right one).
Thank you Karen,I needed to laugh uncontrollably it's been a tough week!
P.S. My 17 year old daughter loved the term "fart cloud"!
My worst first date ( and I too have had some doozies ).... I am pretty shy so I was nervous and feeling awkward. He was 'a friend of a friend ' and we met at his place for a tea and we were going to go for a walk afterwards. By the time we had our tea I was certain he wasn't for me but wasn't yet skilled in making an exit when I wanted to. While I'm really a dog person he was sure I'd LOVE HIS cat. " It's a Manx " he said " It has no tail you will love it " he said." It will only take a minute " he said. So he proceeded to go yell it's name to call it home from it's frolic out in the hood just so I could meet him. This little tail-less cat came running home alright. Right in front of his home it was struck by a car :( the neighbor saw it and new the cat so brought it to the door and rang. My date started freaking out- ( understandibly.... I do have a heart ) and left crying to call his Mom. So there I am on the stoop with a cat I know is dying and I don't want it to die alone- so I stay with him and tell him he isn't alone and " I'm sorry ". After all he only got called home to come meet me- so it was pretty much my fault he is dying. I told him he was loved and a great companion and then he died. Now what ? do I just leave - do I stay here and wait for him to come out ? Well... I am the kind of person who didn't want the cat to die alone so now I knew I needed to go make sure he was ok. SO awkward. He wasn't ok and he " just wanted his Mom" he said so I made my escape. As I write this I think I still might be traumatized from this....Worst first date ever. EVER.
I ... I think you might be right. That's AWFUL every which way! ~ karen
My boyfriend and i go out for drinks often, especially when we travel. He likes me to wear jeans, so he bought me innumerable pairs in any imaginable color, white jeans, black jeans, red jeans, orange... but his favorite are the beige ones. This particular evening i was wearing them and i thought i looked nice ! At the bar i noticed that people sitting behind us were starring at me... and i thought i looked really nice !!! After a while i went to the restroom to pee and on my way out i had a look in the mirror ( just to "admire" myself) at my behind ! to my horror, i noticed a nice, obvious bump down at the back of my right leg ! I went back to the toilet and to my surprise i found the panties i had been wearing the night before stuck into my jeans ! Instead of throwing them i bundled them in my hand, went back to the bar and smilingly stuffed them into my boyfriend's jeans pocket. There were more drinks, talking to people and by the time we wanted to leave my dear man wanted to exchange business cards with the owner of the bar. So he reached into his pocket and without thinking twice he pulled out my red, lacy panties...
Oh my God that was hilarious, made me laugh out loud at the office!! Also got a few giggles out of everyone else's stories.. My husband actually started farting around me while we were engaged, in a funny ha ha kind of way, and his farts are super loud and even sometimes he can even fart on command!! But not smelly.. So I guess he never expected my silent killers :P at first I don't think he even noticed it was me, but then he started to catch on. Now I am pregnant and it is giving me horrible gas, every time I fart he sprays air freshener :/ lol.. only 7 months to go!!
I have a couple of stories that happened to some friends of mine. Because they're my friends I'm not going to use names and they were told to me quite some time ago so I don't have all the details, but they did happen.
The first story is about a boy in high school who had met a girl from out of town and asked her out. He was so excited that even though is tummy started feeling a little weird he just ignored it and got in the car to go pick her up. Now, on his way there, he really started feeling sick, but he didn't stop driving. Fast forward, he picks her up and they start driving up to Hebert, UT to go on the Heber Creeper for the date. (It's a train that's supposed to be supper fun or something.) on the way there though, he poops his pants.
Mortified by what has just happened, he doesn't know what to do. How could he tell her? He couldn't. So instead, he decided to say "I'm sorry but I told my mom I'd pick up some stuff from a store while I'm up her." She said it was fine, and he ran into a store and bought new pants. Then he came back out and got in the car.
Fast forward, they arrive at the Heber creeper, he tells her that he needs to go to the bathroom, he gets in the bathroom, takes his poopy pants off, somehow gets his new pants mixed up with the others, throws his new pants out the window, realizes what he's done, has to put his old pants back on, and then - here's the sad part- just leaves. Without the girl. He never saw her again.
Okay that's the first one.
The second one is even worse.
A boy and girl were driving home from a cabin out in the middle of no where and it was the middle of winter. They were at least 45 minutes away from any sort of gas station or cell phone service, when she has to pee.
"Hold it." He says
"I would if I could but I have to pee SO BAD." She said. "Just pull over so I can pee!"
So he did.
She got out of the car and went around the back so he couldn't see her. She pulled down her pants, and leaned against the back bumper of his truck. She peed and then went to pull her pants back up but there was one problem... Her butt was frozen to the metal back bumper. Crap. She tried to pull off but it was too painful, she didn't have anything warm to melt the frost. So she finally had to call out his name.
"Umm... I'm frozen butt naked to the back of your truck....?!"
(Yeah most awkward situation ever!!!)
Fast forward, he had to pee on her to get her unstuck. (I don't know about you but after that incident I would never be able to even be in the same room as him again!!!
Johnny Carson told that butt-frozen-to-car story YEARS ago! It is a funny one though!
Okay that was so wonderful. I just read it out loud to my mother and could not get through it without tears, choking, and a little urge to pee. I rarely get embarrassed, but I love hearing others embarrassing stories. The best fart story I have though is this...
Six months ago I was in Germany, visiting my boyfriend (we are super long distance...) and hadn't gone to the bathroom in 3 days(!) and begged him to go buy me some German laxatives. They didn't work right away, but in the middle of the night my boyfriend woke me up to ask if I was alright and if I needed to go to the bathroom. I told him no, don't wake me up, and the. He said that I was farting so loudly, and with som h force that it woke him up! Yikes. I realized then that he was a keeper if he could put up with my vibrating flatulence.
My first date story with my husband is not too exciting, however I find it extremely humorous.
He was the brother of one of my close friends, when I met him I had just started dating a guy (who funny enough dumped me after I wished him a "Happy VD" on Valentine's day). Every time I seen him, he would ask me if I still had a boyfriend, well after the mentioned Valentine's day, he asked me again and well I didn't. So he asked me if I wanted to go for dinner - have some chicken, maybe some sex.
Yes I know that sounds kind of sleazy, but he had a certain charm about him and I am a sucker for a horrible pick up line.
We have been together for almost five years and just got married on October 31, 2012.
Before I even saw which story it was I KNEW!!! She had sent that to me when I was having a bad day...I laughed snot! I swear!! Love it!
Janel - This story brings out the mucus in a LOT of people. :) ~ karen!
I love that story! And there are a couple very close runner-ups. Except that creepy psych guy - the number of poor women he must have terrorized. Ugh...
Awkward first date - I met a guy, and we had talked on and off on the phone for probably a year, (this should have been my first clue) and he was coming down to visit his family, so he wanted to pick me up and I could go meet them. Very first date was a huge family reunion. I was an idiot, and had agreed to spend the night (on the floor in the living room with half of his cousins and Aunts.) The whole thing was awkward - meeting every single person in his family (Am I the only one who thinks a move like that kind of means a certain amount of commitment?), and he would just disappear and leave me alone at a table full of Uncles to play video games.
I managed to be enough of an airhead not to pack pyjamas, so after the lights were out, I crawled into my sleeping bag and took my pants off. I spent the night praying if a fire started, I would at least have time to put my pants back on before I ran.
The next day, he drove me to the ferry I had to take to get back home. Only he brought his super awkward best friend along, and they shared weird stories about past girls the entire ride, while I sat in the back and was not spoken to the entire hour and a half trip. Now he raises hairless cats and lives by himself. I am happily married ... to someone else. :)
Went on a blind date with a guy who turned out to be obnoxious and hyperactive. We went to a teeny tiny saloon because I'd heard there was going to be a magician performing that day and thought it might be fun even if the date was crap. Turned out my date had learned a few magic tricks in his time, so as the magician performed, Mr. Obnoxious loudly announced in detail how each one worked. Then he whipped out a deck of cards and started trying to get people around us to "Pick a card, any card." Then, as the magician would start a new trick, he started going, "Hey, let me see that..." and would reach for various props the the poor guy was IN THE PROCESS OF TRYING TO USE TO PERFORM! I walked out at that point and ran to my car like a bat out of hell. Thank god I always insisted on meeting people at the date destination rather than letting them pick me up at my house. And it's always the guys like this who go around telling everyone that GIRLS are the crazy ones for not wanting to date them.
I was terrified to fart in front of my now boyfriend, but a few months into our relationship I started getting these stomach pains that just wouldn't go away unless I passed as much gas as possible. To make me more comfortable farting in front of him he would kiss me every time I tooted, essentially training me like a Pavlovian dog. Needless to say, I'm more comfortable farting around him than when I'm totally alone. And I still get a kiss each time. Unless it's a silent killer. =P