Every so often readers send me stories of links they've found on the Internet they think I'll enjoy.
I always take a look at them. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes I love them, sometimes I think Oh my God. Do you really think I'd like that, you crazy person?
Last week I got one such email. The funny kind. Not the crazy person kind.
I beg of you. If you only click on ONE link this whole year make it this one.
It's a love story about a girl, a first date and a fart. Then come back here ...Read this Fart Story!
You're welcome.
I'll give you a moment to blot your running nose and wipe away your tears. GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR!!!
So, that's how that went for her. It got me to thinking that I really don't have any hilarious first date stories. Or any hilarious date stories at all really. I have a LOT of hilarious first day at work stories, and even more that take place in grocery stores, but nothing about dating.
I now have a craving to hear ridiculous date stories. That's where you come in.
Have a great date story? Tell me. Tell me now. What is the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you on a date?
Don't worry. You can divulge. I won't tell a single, solitary, soul.
Have a good weekend!
see? Laughing so hard it made me misspell my blog addy LOL ( now corrected)
Maybe you're just drunk. Are you drunk Susan? I'm O.K. with that. Just don't want you driving, texting, cooking or a variety of other things you shouldn't do when you're drunk. ~ karen!
Funniest freakin' fart story-EVER!
Thanks for sharing.
Farts are God's way of reminding us that nobody is cool ALL the time.
too funny, the website wouldn't open at first so when I hit the back button it took me back to your site and I had to do a double take because I thought it said thefartofdoingstuff! lol...great story!
Valerie - I toyed with the idea, but there are only so many things you can do with a fart. ~ karen!
1) picked me up in his monster truck. Wanted to go to a restaurant that served alcohol. (my male bosses told me it was because he wanted to get me drunk. I don't drink, so it availed him nothing). Bragged about going skiny dipping alot, and how much money he had. Hated my dogs. Expected me to sleep with him.
2) (different guy) Took me for a drive in the middle of winter out into the boonies late at night. van got stuck in the snow on a hill near a train trestle, far away from civilization. I thought I was going to die.
3) Took me to a family (his) reunion cook-out. Introduced me to his female relatives and disappeared.
Oh, and there was the one where he showed up in his civil war reinacting costume, took me to Red Lobster, and ordered french fries. Only french fries, because he said that was all he ever ate. Even the waitress was looking at me with pity.
Side Note:
I just finished reading one of your top 10 books, and its now in my top 3ish books:
The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak
Now I'm on to Sarah's Key.
Thanks a heap!!
When I was in my 20s, I went out with this guy on the understanding that we were going as "just friends." So imagine my surprise on the drive home from the movie when he started telling me all about how our life together would be. We would be married in a year. We would have 3 children, a girl and twin boys, in that order he said. AND we would have a house 3 doors down from his parents. Needless to say, we never spoke again after that night.
Went to a movie. Once movie was over thought I'd spruce myself up a bit before we left the theater. In the dark of the theater and my little hand mirror close to my face I applied a new coat of lip liner; only to find out in the sunlight I had outlined my lips with navy blue eye liner pencil.
JamieK - My sister did exactly the same thing! Only she was walking around in the grocery store. She can put on lipliner like nothing so she reached into her purse applied it as she walked around the store and shoved it back in her purse. She got home and realized she'd put on black eyeliner. I can't wait to tell her you did the same stupid (if you'll forgive me) thing! ~ karen
It's always nice to know we're in good company!!
Well, I now know that you cannot actually die of laughter, but I came really, super close. Thanks!!
I have to say that I laughed until I cried. That story was the best!!
1. Was waaay shorter than me.
2. Oiled his hair. This was the late '90s.
3. Informed me how he was going to be the one to dress his future wife.
4. Abandoned me at Barnes and Noble.
5. Took me to dinner with his entire.extended.family.
6. His BIL looked me up and down, then proclaimed " You brought a girl this time!"
7. Credit card got denied at dinner.
8. Abandoned me at an arcade.
9. Interviewed on the ride home about being a senator's wife.
10. When he met my roommates, he promptly kicked one off her own computer and proceeded to play a game for an hour without talking to anyone.
11. Was shocked when I turned him down for a second date.
12. I later found out he was 25. I was 19.
I've won contests with this one:
I’ve had my fair share of bad dates. They’ve been dubbed: “The Josh,” for the guy that talked in third person; “Coaster Dude” for the guy who would take a coaster from every bar/restaurant we went to and write my name and date on it and “Crazy Cat Guy” for the guy who kept his cat’s hair in a jar so he could “one day knit a sweater with the fur.” But of all of those, one stands above the rest as Worst. Date. Ever. He is called “The Shrink.”
Dan, name kept the same to protect his future dates, was a psychologist. He seemed a little obnoxious but after some cajoling from an optimistic friend, I agreed to go out with him.
The date lasted one hour. In that time span, I was offended so many times I lost count.
He called ladies sitting near us fat whores and questioned why the dudes with them would stay.
He called every girl he had ever dated “whore cunts.”
(At this point, the tables next to us were shooting me looks of pity. He was not the quiet sort.)
He compared his bowel movements (which is always a classy conversation for a first date) to “evacuating after Hurricane Katrina.”
To prove to me that he was looking for more than a one night stand, he showed me the email he sent to a girl asking her to be his “steady gal”. He then produced the email she sent back to him. Shockingly, her answer was no.
All of these were deal breakers, but nothing compares to what happened next.
We started sharing the normal battle stories of bad dates (in my mind thinking that this was the worst). He told me he had a couple dates with a girl who had a colostomy bag. Now, I am an understanding sort and it is unfortunate. Yes, the bags are gross. It would take one hell of a man to deal with one. Dan was not that man.
He claimed to really like her, but, “You know she liked it up the butt.”
I replied, “I’m sorry?”
“Well, she had colon cancer. Only people who take it up the ass get colon cancer.”
I said, “My father had colon cancer last year.”
He leaned into the table and motioned to me like he had a secret to confess.
“Your dad’s a fag.”
I recovered, “Excuse me?”
“Your dad is a closet homo. Your mom probably knows. He takes it up the ass.”
After the urge to punch him in his smirking face subsided, I excused myself, ran to the bathroom and called the optimistic friend who put me up to this. After shrieking at her, she (in between uproarious laughter) told me that I needed to excuse myself from the date. I went back to the table, told him I needed to go and we left.
Out on the street, I started to say goodbye and hightail it out of there when he said "Let me take you home, my car is right here."
"No thanks, I like the walk."
"It's okay, I don't want you walking at night."
"Oh, it's fine. It's totally safe. I walk at night all the time.
"No."
"Yes."
"I am not letting you walk home alone."
"And I'm not getting in your car." With that, I turned around and got out of there as fast as I could.
On the walk home, I called back the optimistic friend (who was still laughing as was her now husband) and told her that under no circumstances was she to convince me to go out with anyone I had doubts about ever again.
The twist to the story? I'm marrying that friend's brother in law next year. At least she made it up to me.
I am going to choose to not believe that date story. Not because I don't actually believe you but because my psyche would spontaneously combust if I thought people like that actually existed and walked around amongst the rest of us. ~ karen!
I understand. My psyche only recovered after copious amounts of scotch.
This website: http://www.abadcaseofthedates.com/ is full of great date stories.
Ok, ok, I'll share my story. A third date with a bit older guy when I was 16.
We decided that day to meet in the city center and just walk around. This was after school and I had been in a bit of a hurry. It was in fashion to wear a sweater over your shoulders and I had it this day and felt I was looking nice.
When we walked around for a few hours we were standing at H&M looking at clothes and he turns to me and says:
"This sweater you are wearing over your shoulders doesn't it have a bit long sleeves."
And I still remember the feeling of panic rising inside me when I realize I didn't take the sweater. I didn't take the white sweater... What I had put over my shoulders was my super non-sexy LONG JOHNS... And the guy was looking at my LONG JOHNS which was put over my shoulders.
Aah, the embarrassment... I reached (in panic) the first item I and rushed for the fitting room. In the fitting room I pressed the LONG JOHNS down, down, down into my bag. I went out and said I was going to buy whatever I had taken with me, pretending the other thing never happened...
Did he call, yes. We dated for a good 10 years after it... But then I wore my nickers on my head instead of a hat and that was too much... (or not)
I had to reply to you Tiinity ! This is a very very good one< it made me laugh a loooot ! Thank you.
I laughed so hard at this one!!!!
Gawd, I'm still crying! I grew up in a fart-infested home, with a Dad who could fart God Save the Queen while running up the stairs....
Oh, man! The link won't open!! Is it just me??
that was hilarious and honestly i just laughed all day, thanks sooo much for sharing it, i too have a funny date fart story but i really cant share it...sorry lmao
Hi Karen,
I left you an imaginary Christmas gift for you on my blog! Enjoy!
I ... um ... I'm confused. Is it in your imagination or mine? ~ karen
I invited him over for brunch and a picnic to the nearby national seashore. I made my special quiche with southwest influence including cilantro. Stopped at the local bakery for their killer cinnamon raisin bread. Prepared smoothies with bananas and apricot nectar. Coffee. Served this delightful brunch and he started eating. very. very. slowly. A bare sip of the smoothie. Lot of coffee, and I noticed a pile of raisins on the side of the plate. Out it came: of all the foods in the world, he had four things he did not like: raisins, apricots, bananas and cilantro.
It's 34 years later and he'll eat raisins in a hot dish, cilantro is a favorite, and we just don't bring bananas or apricots into the menu!
OMG. The poor woman. The poor guy. But such a happy ending! Thrilled to know that I am not the only female with farts that will "make your hair curl." Thanks for that, Dad.
Once many years ago, I was dating very nice guy who happened to live in a very small apt. Like our gassy heroine, I was trying to eat well, which, on that day happened to be a nice big bag of dried apricots while we were out running errands (fruit? who knew?). A few hours later, back at his place, watching TV, I was hit by what George Costanza put as "a sudden sense of urgency." Yup, there was no time--I dashed to the bathroom (conveniently located at the other end of the living room), turned on the taps full blast (pathetic sound filter) and spent a good 30 minutes trying not to sound like someone dropping explosive depth charges into the sea.
Like her future hubby, about every 5 minutes my poor freaked out beau kept asking "honey...are you okay?" and all I could do was moan (and not in a good way). TO THIS DAY, 25 years later, I've never been so mortified, so embarrassed, or so humiliated over anything else. IT. WAS. HORRIBLE. No happy ending for us, but it did give us a good laugh the entire rest of the time we dated. It's an experience that's definitely left a mark on my psyche. *shudder*