Dear Karen. This is going to be the last time you go anywhere for a long time because there's a dark, disturbing, demented cloud about to descend upon the earth. It'll last a few years and then The Ick will come. The good news is, in 2021 your vacation expectations will be so low that an excursion to the grocery store for curbside pickup will send you to TripAdvisor to write a glowing review. ~ Sincerely, the Universe.
Had I actually received that note my eyes would have widened, my stomach done flips and then I'd have decided no, I didn't want to watch that movie. As I write this it's been almost 2 weeks since we've come out of a 3 month lockdown. It's been a year and a half since my last big family dinner. It's been 2 years since I've been to a Costco. And 4 years since I went on my last vacation.
I remember it fondly.
I tried to relax. I was going to go on a vacation and I was going to relax. I would do nothing but relax and I was going to be very excellent at it.
Here's how it went ...
July 2017, somewhere in the Canadian wilderness, but with running water, maid service and a pool.
And then I pulled back the curtain and punched that asshead Gypsy Moth/Cat right in the head!
Maybe I should back up a bit. This story starts wayyyyy back, 24 hours ago. Prior to 24 hours ago I was a normal woman, blogger by day, blogger by night. Any remaining minutes in the day were given to cleaning up cat barf and proclaiming "It's a good thing I've had my tetanus shot" more times than anyone should say in a lifetime. Now I'm a moth killer and a maybe even ... a relaxer. Uch.
It all began one day ago when I broke from my normal routine, packed my suitcase, got in my car and drove through a blinding rainstorm to the other side of the world. It turns out the other side of the world is only 2.1 hours away by car.
2 hours NorthWest of me is the small town of Durham and just outside of that, down a crunching gravel driveway is the 100 year old farmhouse belonging to my friends Lynne and Michael Knowlton. Lynne is the blogger at Lynne Knowlton. Michael is her husband whom I affectionately refer to as my boyfriend. Because he's my boyfriend.
Lynne and Michael decided one day to build a treehouse on their 100 acre property. Kind of a big treehouse. More like a cottage in the sky with a bedroom loft, woodstove and leather clubchairs on the porch. Yeah. The treehouse has a porch. Then they thought they should add a bathroom. And a dining area below, and another cabin and before they knew it they'd created a retreat that could rival anything you've seen in magazines, television or your daydreams.
(Now that I think of it, if you're reading this in July or August of 2017, her retreat is actually in a magazine! Style at Home, August issue.)
I have to admit I was a bit worried when Lynne invited me to stay in her treehouse for a few days. I'm kind of hyper. Not what you'd call a relaxer. Relaxation does not relax me. It makes me edgy. But this is the 4th year in a row that she's invited me to come to the treehouse to relax, so I relented and agreed to come as soon as I could acquire enough cough syrup to knock me down a few degrees of hyperness. Besides, this time she didn't invite me. This time she sent me an email saying she'd booked me in and I was coming. And that was that.
Here is how it went.
3:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m. Drive through blinding, sideways rain towards the unknown. Sing along to Macklemore. Also think a lot about peeing which I blame on the rain and not on the 14 cups of coffee I drank to calm my nerves during the drive.
5:00 p.m. Arrive at treehouse property (Lynne's house).
5:02 p.m. Remain in car. Scribble down 5 different excuses explaining why I have to leave immediately and try to pick the best one. What's everyone's deal with relaxing? Why is society forcing me to relax?
5:03 p.m. Lynne texts me from her front window asking why I'm not getting out of the car. I panic and tell her I have gas.
5:05 p.m. I take a deep breath and exit my car to meet Lynne on the path to the treehouse.
5:06 p.m. Lynne starts my tour of the retreat beginning with the simple white cabin constructed with antique barn beams and white shiplap.
5:07 p.m. Not listening to Lynne at all. Get distracted by the beauty of the interior of the cabin and ask one of the barn beams on a date.
5:15 p.m. Continue a tour of the premises which includes the bathroom, the pool area and the whole reason for the visit ... the treehouse. Mostly I'm feeling very uncomfortable because there doesn't seem like there's going to be any work for me to do. Nothing needs fixing or freshening. I'm starting to sweat. I didn't know fingernails could sweat.
The "Latreen" and everything else is built with recycled materials.
What am I supposed to do in here? She KNEW I was coming. She booked me in herself. You'd think Lynne, would have been generous enough to leave me a few things to fix or tinker with.
5:16 p.m. Lynne leaves me to get settled and as soon as she turns the corner towards her home I do the only thing I know that will calm me down. It's a type of self soothing I taught myself as a child. I eat an entire Party sized bag of Ruffles and a Party sized container of Helluva Good dip.
5:30 - 9:30 p.m. I don't have much recollection of this time. After eating the chips the next thing I remember is waking up on the treehouse sofa with my phone ringing beside me. I HAVE GAS I screamed into it. It was my sister calling to see how the treehouse was.
9:31 p.m. I gave my sister a quick Facetime tour of the place but somewhere near the end of the call a cat with wings flew into the treehouse and chased me. The next 3 minutes of video my sister was subjected to was probably similar to watching The Blair Witch Project as shot by a drunk 5 year old. I ran and dodged and hid from this mythical creature never giving up my grasp on my phone. I finally found a tea towel that I was able to smother the cat with. I felt really bad about killing a flying cat because my guess is, they're pretty rare.
Lifting the tea towel slowly to check on how dead it was I was surprised to find out it wasn't dead at all. I knew this because it flew straight at my nostril. Bouncing off of that, the flying cat went straight for the curtains and hid in the folds. By now I started to suspect this was no cat. It was a cat sized moth. Sneaking up to the window I pulled back the curtain and punched that Gypsy Moth/cat right in the head. I'm sorry to say it died and in actuality was only about the size of a kitten.
9:34 p.m. Ended the Facetime with my sister as she was apparently feeling nauseated.
9:35 - 11:35 p.m. For the next 2 hours I read. A book. Not Instagram captions. I relaxed and read a book. This felt very unnatural but not necessarily bad. Which worried me. Who am I if not a doer of stuff?
11:45 p.m. It's time for bed which I'm looking forward to because the bed is in the highest point of the treehouse. I make my way to the outdoor bathroom which is nicer than any room in my house. Realize I forgot to pack my toothbrush.
Brush teeth with cottonball. Feel impressed with self and gloat to no one.
12:00 a.m. I climb the library ladder to the bedroom loft in the treehouse. I had decided to alternate between staying in the treehouse and staying in the cabin, which housed my new boyfriend; the barn beam. I slept straight through the night. I could see this trip was going to be filled with all kinds of unnatural but not necessarily bad things.
8 a.m. Wake up and stumble to the stove to make a coffee. I carried my steaming cup out onto the treehouse porch where I wrapped myself in the white linen duvet from my bed. Now what? It was me, a cup of coffee and another 24 hours to fill.
8:15 a.m. I was starting to stress about all this relaxation again so I texted a friend with my dilemma. He suggests I find something productive to do like digging a big hole in Lynne's front lawn.
8:16 a.m. Make the mistake of first asking Lynne if I can dig a hole in her lawn. I'm met with resistance.
7:00 p.m. Suddenly it's 7 p.m. and I have no idea how I got here. I can remember falling asleep in a chair, on a couch and in another chair. I also wrote 2 articles for Lee Valley and I know they were good but I don't really remember writing them. They just sort of burst out of my fingers.
7:05 p.m. Now it's time to stack rocks with Lynne who has been completely absent during my stay. Meet Dan who has helped build the incredible cabin, bathroom and treehouse. Stacking rocks is like the perfect relaxation technique for someone who isn't sure how to relax. You aren't really doing anything productive but at the same time it takes a lot of concentration and you do end up with something at the end. Either a stack or a pile of rocks. I highly recommend stacking rocks anytime, anywhere, if you want to relax. I think it would be especially helpful at the workplace or while waiting in line to get your driver's license.
7:30 p.m. Make simple dinner of pesto and linguine, retire to the cabin this time where my boyfriend the barn beam and I just stare at each other.
8:30 p.m. Curl up on the daybed with my book and read. I'm not positive because I'm still in a bit of a fog from this forced relaxation but I think that knot in the back of my neck is becoming less baseball-like, more golf-ball like. Looking around I start considering changes I could make to my own house. I definitely need more white. Lynne has committed to white like a lion commits to a kill.
10:30 p.m. Found my toothbrush! Tell the cottonballs to take a hike. Realize I haven't checked the news in more than 24 hours. Panic momentarily that the world has come to an end without me knowing about it.
11:00 p.m. Get ready for bed by brushing teeth with genuine store bought tooth brushing implement and wonder if i should bathe.
Laugh myself silly, turn the shower on and off to make it look like I had a shower in case someone is keeping track of this and go to bed.
11:35 p.m. Head into the cabin loft which is so peaceful and beautiful I want to cry. I'm having a hard time describing this place to people when they call or text me. It isn't that it's decorated nicely (although it is), it isn't that the buildings are stunning (which they are), it's that this whole place has a feeling. Being here feels like a hug from a pure white Buddha. I fall asleep with my book folded across my chest and a single moth fluttering around the night light. I have no desire to smash him. We coexist peacefully in this Buddha hug of a loft bedroom.
8:30 a.m. Wake up and realize it's my last day. Shower. For real this time. At the beginning of this trip I had planned to leave at around 7:00 a.m. so I could be home by 9 a.m. and have a full work day ahead of me. By 11:00 I was jumping into my car to head to a local flea market with Dan whom I'd met for all of 5 minutes the day before. By 3:30 I was back at the retreat talking to Lynne about nothing in particular but also definitely not jumping into my car to get home.
4:00 p.m. Reluctantly pack my things into my car. Say good bye.
The story in photos.
This incense is in both the cabin and the treehouse and if you like incense, it is THIS best smelling incense I've ever experienced. I stole this box. Seriously. Stole it like a thief. You can buy it here. It's similar to Nag Champa but somehow sweeter and softer.
I came home and ordered myself a case of it.
These are the lights on either side of the bed in the cabin. They're also on the other side of the room in a little bench nook. I loved them so much. They're only $29 Canadian or $19 US. You can get them here.
4:02 p.m. Scribble down 5 different excuses explaining why I have to stay immediately and try to pick the best one.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a review to write on my recent trip to the pharmacy. Sanitizer is back in stock!
*Interested in renting the treehouse and cabin? Click here to see MORE pictures and learn about it.
Elen G
I am so laughing, Karen. Highly entertaining and, of course, Lynne goes where no treehouse designer has gone before. Fuh-reaking gorgeous. It's been an age since I've had any Heluva Good Dip. Now, it's all I can think about. Licks lips.
karin sorensen
seeeee, this is how i feel about your backyard and i haven't even been there. what beauty there is in the world. amazing, you and Lynne both.
Karin
Kelly
Absolutely dreamy! But...did you go down the slide?!
Lin N
I knew it was Lynne & Michaels place from the 1st pic. A treehouse to die for is pretty much it! I too am learning how great chill-axin is. My home is white as well with fir wood trim. My front door is purple which I read somewhere means a 'witch lives here...LOL Sooo awesome my two favourite bloggers were in one place! Congatz Karen for doing Lynne's treehouse and congratz Lynne for bugging Karen every year to get her butt out to your fabulous farm.
Gwen H.
So glad you were able to turn off and enjoy your retreat. Sounds wonderful.
Dianna
You had me at "asshead Gypsy Moth-cat". LOL
I absolutely love your prose!
ps. Ever see the movie: The Mothman Prophecies (with Richard Gere)?? That was all I could think of reading the beginning of your story here! :-)
Karen
I actually don't think I've ever even heard of that movie, lol. Now I have to look it up! ~ karen
Elaine
Hi Karen - and Lynne too ... I was drooling over the photographs of this beautiful treehouse last week in the August issue of Style at Home! I was supposed to be vacuuming (company was coming!) but said to myself "to heck with it" and instead, lost myself in the magazine, imaging that I was actually living there! What a stunning place!
Karen
My parting gift from Lynne was an issue of the magazine, lol. It's even nicer in real life which often isn't the case with magazine spreads! ~ karen!
Agnes
Greetings from Hanover - about 15 minutes from Durham. It is gorgeous up here - in summer! and when it stops raining! Not too often this year. So glad you came up and actually did relax, and read.
Karen
I did. It was minimal, but I did! It's really beautiful in that direction. I almost kept going until I hit Lake Huron. ~ karen!
Grammy
Thank you for the tour of the most beautiful retreat ever. I'm glad you decided to regale us with all the story AND pictures, because all of it is terrific.
I have absolutely no trouble winding down and doing nothing, but since you do, I'm glad you have such a good friend. Not everybody can look at your sorry ass and tell that they're going to have to force you to climb a tree so you can get some rest. Lynne and Michael obviously know how to live, I'm glad you got a little taste of it.
Karen
I also bought her the web domain f*ckyoucancer.ca We're good like that. ~ karen!
Grammy
Obviously you all deserve each other! I love hearing about true friends, especially in these days of ugly rhetoric everywhere. You folks lifting each other up is good for all of us, too.
Claire
What, no picture of the Gypsy Moth-cat??! 😛
Looks like a gorgeous place!
Karen
Ha! It would have been a bit of a gruesome shot once I was done with it. ;) ~ karen!
Veronica
Beautiful. Just beatutiful. And your story is hilarious.
Karen
Thanks Veronica. It's the whole truth and nothin' but the truth. :) ~ karen!
Kelli
Wow. That's a heluva gorgeous place...does that fall under "glamping?" Cos it sure looks like super glammy camping to me. MY kind of camping. None of that stupid head flimsy tent-y sleep on the ground stuff. Amazing place...I can see how it lulled even YOU to relax for five minutes!
BTW, this was on my local news channel, so of course I had to send your way. I think this is the next obvious step in your evolution as a chicken mom. 😜 http://tinyurl.com/ybbvrhxu
Karen
Yup. That'll be me in a few years with the chicken, lol. And yes this is definitely on the verge of glamping. :) ~ karen!
Maryanne
"Lynne has committed to white like a lion commits to a kill." - I LOVE this phrase.
It's a beautiful spot. I recently discovered Lynne's blog and am enjoying wandering through it.
Thanks for sharing :)
Karen
Thanks Maryanne. I was pretty proud of that one I'll admit. ~ karen!
Carrie EisBrenner
That looks beautiful and relaxing but every time I have gone to anyone's cabin it's been pretty buggy. Especially the outdoor furniture yike - how does one keep it so bug free? I can't relax when I feel like I'm visiting a spider family's cabin...
Karen
Hey Carrie! I actually noticed right away that there were hardly any bugs anywhere! Other than the dreaded moths. ~ karen
Trish Thompson
Ruffles and Heluva Good dip are like crack to me! Once I start eating it I can't stop! I have to turn my head and walk fast when I go past in the supermarket.
Mary Kay Wilburn
You could of wasted a little bit of time going down the slide...
Linda in Illinois
My only words... I am sooooooooooo jealous !!
Paula
It's posts like these that I wished I lived in Ontario... I'm an excellent hanger-outer!
Mary W
I took a deep breath and said ahhhhh while looking. Your bed picture is unbelievably comfy. Yes, I need more white as it is like floating on a cloud. Thanks Lynne for relaxing Karen for us. Her welcoming glass blocks at the front door is really welcoming with the light glow. The chairs at the dining table so cool. I don't see spiders anywhere! The kitchen looks inspiring. The corner beams left natural in the corners of the white kitchen/living area seem like trees enveloping you in a hug. The bathroom sink is made of what? The rock piles are a must have in my garden - if I could find rocks somewhere here in Florida. Why are the three strings of sticks hanging at the porch? Are they just pretty, do they keep bugs away? Do they make a sound when the wind blows? Or are they just to remind you to relax and do nothing? The pool is inviting, photography perfect! Love the rows of white chairs, empty to remind you to relax, enjoy your own company for awhile. Best part? No knick knacks to distract, collect dust for cleaning, and bring up tons of memories that you still have without them. I should just take a nice picture of each one and stick all the pictures in a scrapbook and get rid of all the stuff my grandkids don't even remember making for me. Oh boy, I'm starting to get some great ideas just looking at this truly amazing retreat! GREAT JOB, Lynne!
Tina
Yes, I love the strung sticks! I'd like to know the purpose.
Nancy W
Decor...strung driftwood is popular here on the SF Bay Area Coast...I am going to put that on my list to make! I have a small one but those are fantastic.
Great post Karen, now I'm going to paint my house white on the inside.
Laura Nazimiec
You really need to get your hands on some Lawson's Chip Dip. Best in the world.
Mary Kay Wilburn
Ain't that the damn truth!!!!