AND THE OTHER THING ABOUT A BRAZILIAN WAX!

There is absolutely no predicting people.   People who read DIY blogs, this one in particular, are as unpredictable as a cat in a butterfly conservatory. If someone were to run into any single one of you they’d probably think you were a perfectly respectable person at first glance.  A stand up citizen who refills their gas tank before it gets below 1/4 of a tank and who wears different underwear every single day.

But you’re not.  You’re a bunch of teenage boys.  A gaggle of pimply faced, adolescent teens, standing in front of the mirror looking at the 4 hairs on your upper lip which look exactly like the 4 hairs on the upper lip of your younger sister, only you’ve put a little mascara on yours to make them look more lush.  Which will attract all kinds of praise while you hold your place in line for the next Star Wars movie.

A few weeks ago I ran out of things to talk about so I posed a vocabulary question to you in a well researched and articulated post where I talked about pee pees.

 

kitten-in-meadow

Here’s a picture of a kitten for those of you who are getting uncomfortable.

 

A lot of you get my posts by email.  Every time I publish a new post, it immediately pops into your inbox.  If you don’t have this luxury service that I offer, you can get it by clicking here.  I can judge how much interest a post has generated based on how many of you open that email and then how many of you click on it to read it further.

You, the mothers, the wives, the daughters, the fathers, the uncles and brothers clicked on the pee pee post more than almost any other post in the past year.  So even though you claim to be interested in the more highbrow topics I offer such as The Frozen Yogourt Tampon or Big Hairy Balls you actually just want to learn everything you can about wieners.

The post, in case you somehow missed it, was a linguistic experiment of sorts, requiring readers to state what terms they use to describe a certain male body part.  Like all of my posts, it was done in a most grown up and tasteful way which was instantly recognizable by the fact that I only used the word gonorrhoea once.

I also had a record number of people opt out of receiving my informative emails after the pee pee post was published, which is GREAT because it means you and I can continue to be fun and laugh and build things and make fart jokes without worrying about any people with actual standards trying to stop us from educating ourselves on topics of global importance like why getting a full Brazilian wax means you’ll never be able to muffle your toots.

It’s a well known fact that Brazilian waxes (distinguishable from regular waxes by the Brazilian waxer’s calling card, a crown made out of pubic hair ) involve removing all the bodily hair that runs between your chin and your toes.  Front and back.  Yes, that includes the anus.  You probably didn’t realize that those hairs serve, especially for ladies, a very important sanitary purpose.  When a lady farts, those anus hairs gather together and form a loving, hairy, sound muffling hug around what has the potential to be an embarrassing bodily noise.  The hazy, wind blowing out of her bum at 7 mph can only be blamed on her husband, cat, dog or boss who happens to be standing beside her in the elevator if, and ONLY IF she can muffle the sound.

Once unceremoniously ripped up from the gas belching volcanus they’ve been guarding since adolescence, there’s nothing left to do their job.  Those hairs that have been stoically muting your lady wind chamber are forever released from their duties, or at least until new ones grow back.  Without so much as a thank you or an excuse me.

While most people have a difficult time distinguishing where sounds come from;  Is that my cell phone ringing or yours?, Is someone at the front door?  Is that the television or are you talking to your mother again? humans have an uncanny ability to pinpoint exactly which bum bum a fart sound escaped out of.  I suspect it’s some sort of primal instinct dating back to when cavemen first tried out the pull my finger joke on their wives.

I just thought it was important to let you know about the potentially embarrassing side effects of a Brazilian wax for anyone who was thinking of getting a Brazilian wax because you think *hair* is embarrassing.  At least this way you’ll be prepared for what’s to come and might even be able to look into low cost solutions like little wearable anal wigs or something of the sort.  Putting half a shredded wheat down there might even do the job.

It is unfortunate that we lost a few of our ever growing members but we can all take solace in the fact that they are currently mortified in an elevator surrounded by a cloud of green gas with nobody to blame but themselves.

Have a good weekend!

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p.s.  that oughtta get rid of the last of them.

145 Comments

  1. Ella says:

    You will also dribble down your thigh when you pee because there is nothing to whisk it away….unless you spread and push 😉

  2. Michelle says:

    To 2 too funny

  3. Lois Baron says:

    You’re never getting rid of me.

    “Little wearable anal wigs” . . . surely you hear me crashing into furniture as I roll on the floor laughing.

  4. Mary Edmondson says:

    You’ll have to do a whole lot better than this before I abandon your blog. You are a hoot! Don’t ever change.

  5. Robert says:

    Brazilian wax is still a thing??? Or did it just come back after the vajazzling, merking and fancy hair dyes of a few years ago?
    A fascinating thing your blog Karen

  6. MrsChrisSA says:

    Ag I still dig your posts, so sorry for you, I am here to stay!

  7. Laura says:

    hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha

  8. TONI says:

    YOU’VE GOT TO GO ON ELLEN AND DO STAND UP …… HER RATINGS ARE AWESOME BUT YOU’ WOULD BLOW THIER MINDS, GIRL !! BESIDES SHE COULD DO WITH YOUR WINDY HUMOUR TO BOLSTER HER SCREWBALL STYLE …. MY GOD, WHAT A PAIR !

  9. Kathy says:

    Those of us who follow…. follow. I may pass on some of the chicken stuff, but not the fun stuff. Still here, and plan on staying for a l-o-n-g time!

  10. Sue says:

    I don’t know why farts are so entertaining! I can’t even say fart aloud without giggling. And, reading your posts just bring out the guffaws . . .

  11. Shirley Curtis says:

    Never stop! your sense of humour is the best! I never know what I will be reading about next! Anal wigs!!!

  12. Judy says:

    And here I just ate a bowl of shredded wheat and didn’t have even a half of one left, not that I need it. I love us bawdy women.

  13. Kath says:

    Volcanus!! Help me!
    I’m laughing and I can’t get up!

  14. Nicole says:

    I don’t think I’ll ever look at shredded wheat the same way again.

  15. Paula says:

    I haven’t passed on anything, especially not the chicken stuff 🙂 I added two Blacks Copper Marans pullets 2 weeks ago!

  16. judy says:

    `I can be a teeny bit prudish-hey I raised three raucous rowdy teenage boys and Mom had to act as though vulgarity was indicative of a lack of vocabulary and good taste even while laughing my A*ss off at a lot of their conversations. Some of the sneaking out to field parties with huge bonfires and kegs left me convinced they would all spend their adult lives behind bars or at Bars….but they made it to adulthood and they still do not swear around Mom, so a small-ish victory. I love your irreverence and the fact you are a Lady Canadian-all of whom I am convinced are never rude crude or mean. Could we Americans camp out in Canada until the next Election? You may think I’m joking with that request but I guarantee you I would prefer a cardboard box in the Land of the Sane to this rerun of Orwell’s 1984. Faithful Follower………………………Scared fartless in America…

  17. Raymonde says:

    Or little anal wigs…

  18. Lisa says:

    I needed that as we hit heat-wave number 3 here. Have images of using possum fur instead of shredded wheat. 🙂

  19. Teri says:

    Leave? Not bloody likely! Where else could I learn about volcanus? And anal wigs? You are a wealth of information m’dear, not to mention side splitting laughter.
    Please carry on regardless.

  20. Teri says:

    No, no, please save possum fur for my favourite socks. Which we desperately need just now in the great white north.

  21. Lisa says:

    Is that what he has on his head?

  22. Lisa says:

    You send us some of your cold and I’ll send you some of our heat (42celius here on Sunday!). Eeeeeeek.

  23. Sonya Huss says:

    All I can think of now is the shredded wheat man from the commercials, yelling, “Pull my finger!”

  24. Jani says:

    Karen…you have out done yourself once again! Ta ta bye bye to all the weenie haters. I read every single one and laughed so hard!! Yes I have been told that I have a sick sense of humor and because of it that is what makes me so lovable!! Plus there is never a dry eye when I get on a roll and my mouth has a severe case of diarrhea. Have some funny shit stories….maybe you can have a “go” on diarrhea next!!

  25. Louise says:

    LOL! Hmmm. . . . who are you talking about? 😉
    Lisa, Lisa, someone will be mad and say you’re unfair.

  26. Louise says:

    Well, this article should certainly lure the prim and proper crowd back!

  27. Lisa says:

    The possum of course! Haven’t you ever looked at them closely – shock of stuff on top of their head 😉

  28. Louise says:

    Yup, I feel your pain, Judy!

  29. Yvonne says:

    Use frosted shredded wheat and it not only muffles the farts but acts as an air freshener.

  30. Sue says:

    Now I know where it came from!

  31. TucsonPatty says:

    ‘p.s. that oughtta get rid of the last of them.’ I was laughing through the whole post but at this I snorted and may or may not have farted while laughing – which is a dangerous thing to do at my age! That leads to peeing a little, and…it is downhill from there. What I would like to see now is a pie chart of which were the favorite/most common words for the pee pee.

  32. Tina says:

    I’d like a neighboring cardboard box, please.

  33. Tina says:

    All I can think of is walking around with a shredded wheat clenched between my ass cheeks…and how much it would chaff to walk!

  34. Tina says:

    Oh yes! I’d like to see that…or even a line chart. Heck, I’d probably even giggle at a list!

  35. Chavella Thomas says:

    I’m all in. I just happen to be reading Rusty Bed Springs by I. P. Freely. 🙂

  36. Susanne says:

    HAHAHAAAHAAAA…..

  37. Rene says:

    A lovely start to the day for me Karen-so entertaining

  38. Trish says:

    On more than one occasion, I have left my husband alone at a party. To say, go to the bathroom. Upon my return, I have noticed that the room is now completely empty. What did you do? I’ll say. I like to weed them out fast he says.

  39. mia pratt says:

    Well whoever opted out because of that fantastic post…wasn’t the right kind of person for this blog anyway. We, the remaining fringe-of-society lingerers, are your true tribe. That, I suppose, makes us the Pee Pee tribe…?

  40. Jenny W says:

    Yup, that part got me too!! I’m sticking around, cause Karen’s Funny as Hell 🙂

  41. Sonia Godbout says:

    Drinking my morning coffee and chuckling – nothing is off limits. From amazing lawn furniture to farts – life is so interesting. You will tackle anything! ! Stay the course !

  42. Angela says:

    KAREN NO MIDDLE NAME BERTELSON, I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!

    I though this was going to be the worldwide list of penis names, and you duped me with a post about butt hair! Damnit, woman! Save your hairy posts for another day and give us what we want: more adolescent giggling about penii! (My choice for the plural of ‘penis’.)

  43. Melissa says:

    Humpf. Just, humpf. Who were those people and how have they lost their way?

    Perplexed, confused and dismayed, but Good riddance to bad rubbish, I always say.

    I’m here to stay dear, for garden news, chicken info, mouse musings, and public hair knowledge, and not necessarily in that order, or really whatever you choose to throw our way!

    So keep on keeping on, dear girl!! I’ll be waiting and listening! And really….screw those who can’t take a good penis joke. Humpf!

  44. Melissa says:

    I’m with you sister!!!

  45. Melissa says:

    Spelling correction:
    Pubic hair, not public hair. Though, that might be an interesting topic as well, like “Are toupees passe?” OR, “Long live the mullet!” Even, “Bangs: Really Girl? Bangs??”
    ….just sayin….you can use these, really, I won’t mind.

  46. Leticia says:

    The most entertaining thing about Brazilian waxes for me, being a Brazilian, is the name. And the cute designs, of course. I can understand removing all the hair, but making cute designs down there is extra painful. Ouch!

    I don’t subscribe by email, but i do read through RSS. The chicken stuff is fun because of the way you tell it. I live in a city many times bigger than NY and will never raise chickens but stories about chickens with names and personalities that do bizarre things amuse me.

    Now that post about penis nicknames was tame. That was fun like a bunch of twelve year olds in a sleepover. Wait till they get to fifteen.

  47. billy sharpstick says:

    I’m curious. How much did the number of new subscribers outnumber the unsubs? You just raised the bar. Now you’re committed to maintaining this new standard of content or all those perverts will leave again. People like that have short attention spans.

  48. Bev says:

    I am in pain with laughing so much…?

  49. Laurence says:

    Yvonne, what a brilliant idea!

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