AND THE OTHER THING ABOUT A BRAZILIAN WAX!

There is absolutely no predicting people.   People who read DIY blogs, this one in particular, are as unpredictable as a cat in a butterfly conservatory. If someone were to run into any single one of you they’d probably think you were a perfectly respectable person at first glance.  A stand up citizen who refills their gas tank before it gets below 1/4 of a tank and who wears different underwear every single day.

But you’re not.  You’re a bunch of teenage boys.  A gaggle of pimply faced, adolescent teens, standing in front of the mirror looking at the 4 hairs on your upper lip which look exactly like the 4 hairs on the upper lip of your younger sister, only you’ve put a little mascara on yours to make them look more lush.  Which will attract all kinds of praise while you hold your place in line for the next Star Wars movie.

A few weeks ago I ran out of things to talk about so I posed a vocabulary question to you in a well researched and articulated post where I talked about pee pees.

 

kitten-in-meadow

Here’s a picture of a kitten for those of you who are getting uncomfortable.

 

A lot of you get my posts by email.  Every time I publish a new post, it immediately pops into your inbox.  If you don’t have this luxury service that I offer, you can get it by clicking here.  I can judge how much interest a post has generated based on how many of you open that email and then how many of you click on it to read it further.

You, the mothers, the wives, the daughters, the fathers, the uncles and brothers clicked on the pee pee post more than almost any other post in the past year.  So even though you claim to be interested in the more highbrow topics I offer such as The Frozen Yogourt Tampon or Big Hairy Balls you actually just want to learn everything you can about wieners.

The post, in case you somehow missed it, was a linguistic experiment of sorts, requiring readers to state what terms they use to describe a certain male body part.  Like all of my posts, it was done in a most grown up and tasteful way which was instantly recognizable by the fact that I only used the word gonorrhoea once.

I also had a record number of people opt out of receiving my informative emails after the pee pee post was published, which is GREAT because it means you and I can continue to be fun and laugh and build things and make fart jokes without worrying about any people with actual standards trying to stop us from educating ourselves on topics of global importance like why getting a full Brazilian wax means you’ll never be able to muffle your toots.

It’s a well known fact that Brazilian waxes (distinguishable from regular waxes by the Brazilian waxer’s calling card, a crown made out of pubic hair ) involve removing all the bodily hair that runs between your chin and your toes.  Front and back.  Yes, that includes the anus.  You probably didn’t realize that those hairs serve, especially for ladies, a very important sanitary purpose.  When a lady farts, those anus hairs gather together and form a loving, hairy, sound muffling hug around what has the potential to be an embarrassing bodily noise.  The hazy, wind blowing out of her bum at 7 mph can only be blamed on her husband, cat, dog or boss who happens to be standing beside her in the elevator if, and ONLY IF she can muffle the sound.

Once unceremoniously ripped up from the gas belching volcanus they’ve been guarding since adolescence, there’s nothing left to do their job.  Those hairs that have been stoically muting your lady wind chamber are forever released from their duties, or at least until new ones grow back.  Without so much as a thank you or an excuse me.

While most people have a difficult time distinguishing where sounds come from;  Is that my cell phone ringing or yours?, Is someone at the front door?  Is that the television or are you talking to your mother again? humans have an uncanny ability to pinpoint exactly which bum bum a fart sound escaped out of.  I suspect it’s some sort of primal instinct dating back to when cavemen first tried out the pull my finger joke on their wives.

I just thought it was important to let you know about the potentially embarrassing side effects of a Brazilian wax for anyone who was thinking of getting a Brazilian wax because you think *hair* is embarrassing.  At least this way you’ll be prepared for what’s to come and might even be able to look into low cost solutions like little wearable anal wigs or something of the sort.  Putting half a shredded wheat down there might even do the job.

It is unfortunate that we lost a few of our ever growing members but we can all take solace in the fact that they are currently mortified in an elevator surrounded by a cloud of green gas with nobody to blame but themselves.

Have a good weekend!

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p.s.  that oughtta get rid of the last of them.

145 Comments

  1. Ella says:

    You will also dribble down your thigh when you pee because there is nothing to whisk it away….unless you spread and push 😉

  2. Michelle says:

    To 2 too funny

  3. Lois Baron says:

    You’re never getting rid of me.

    “Little wearable anal wigs” . . . surely you hear me crashing into furniture as I roll on the floor laughing.

  4. Mary Edmondson says:

    You’ll have to do a whole lot better than this before I abandon your blog. You are a hoot! Don’t ever change.

  5. Robert says:

    Brazilian wax is still a thing??? Or did it just come back after the vajazzling, merking and fancy hair dyes of a few years ago?
    A fascinating thing your blog Karen

  6. MrsChrisSA says:

    Ag I still dig your posts, so sorry for you, I am here to stay!

  7. TONI says:

    YOU’VE GOT TO GO ON ELLEN AND DO STAND UP …… HER RATINGS ARE AWESOME BUT YOU’ WOULD BLOW THIER MINDS, GIRL !! BESIDES SHE COULD DO WITH YOUR WINDY HUMOUR TO BOLSTER HER SCREWBALL STYLE …. MY GOD, WHAT A PAIR !

  8. Kathy says:

    Those of us who follow…. follow. I may pass on some of the chicken stuff, but not the fun stuff. Still here, and plan on staying for a l-o-n-g time!

  9. Sue says:

    I don’t know why farts are so entertaining! I can’t even say fart aloud without giggling. And, reading your posts just bring out the guffaws . . .

    • Sandra says:

      Farts shouldn’t be! It’s N. America that’s made a fart “funny or embarrassing”. We’re the ones who teach our kids that. I knew a woman from S. American who farted w/o care – it’s normal. And kids fart w/o care, until they’re taught. It’s a shame that it can take years to be able to fart within hearing of your spouse. What a relief when you finally can. lol

  10. Shirley Curtis says:

    Never stop! your sense of humour is the best! I never know what I will be reading about next! Anal wigs!!!

  11. Judy says:

    And here I just ate a bowl of shredded wheat and didn’t have even a half of one left, not that I need it. I love us bawdy women.

  12. Kath says:

    Volcanus!! Help me!
    I’m laughing and I can’t get up!

  13. Nicole says:

    I don’t think I’ll ever look at shredded wheat the same way again.

  14. Paula says:

    I haven’t passed on anything, especially not the chicken stuff 🙂 I added two Blacks Copper Marans pullets 2 weeks ago!

  15. judy says:

    `I can be a teeny bit prudish-hey I raised three raucous rowdy teenage boys and Mom had to act as though vulgarity was indicative of a lack of vocabulary and good taste even while laughing my A*ss off at a lot of their conversations. Some of the sneaking out to field parties with huge bonfires and kegs left me convinced they would all spend their adult lives behind bars or at Bars….but they made it to adulthood and they still do not swear around Mom, so a small-ish victory. I love your irreverence and the fact you are a Lady Canadian-all of whom I am convinced are never rude crude or mean. Could we Americans camp out in Canada until the next Election? You may think I’m joking with that request but I guarantee you I would prefer a cardboard box in the Land of the Sane to this rerun of Orwell’s 1984. Faithful Follower………………………Scared fartless in America…

  16. Lisa says:

    I needed that as we hit heat-wave number 3 here. Have images of using possum fur instead of shredded wheat. 🙂

  17. Teri says:

    Leave? Not bloody likely! Where else could I learn about volcanus? And anal wigs? You are a wealth of information m’dear, not to mention side splitting laughter.
    Please carry on regardless.

  18. Sonya Huss says:

    All I can think of now is the shredded wheat man from the commercials, yelling, “Pull my finger!”

    • Tina says:

      All I can think of is walking around with a shredded wheat clenched between my ass cheeks…and how much it would chaff to walk!

  19. Jani says:

    Karen…you have out done yourself once again! Ta ta bye bye to all the weenie haters. I read every single one and laughed so hard!! Yes I have been told that I have a sick sense of humor and because of it that is what makes me so lovable!! Plus there is never a dry eye when I get on a roll and my mouth has a severe case of diarrhea. Have some funny shit stories….maybe you can have a “go” on diarrhea next!!

  20. Louise says:

    Well, this article should certainly lure the prim and proper crowd back!

  21. Yvonne says:

    Use frosted shredded wheat and it not only muffles the farts but acts as an air freshener.

  22. TucsonPatty says:

    ‘p.s. that oughtta get rid of the last of them.’ I was laughing through the whole post but at this I snorted and may or may not have farted while laughing – which is a dangerous thing to do at my age! That leads to peeing a little, and…it is downhill from there. What I would like to see now is a pie chart of which were the favorite/most common words for the pee pee.

  23. Chavella Thomas says:

    I’m all in. I just happen to be reading Rusty Bed Springs by I. P. Freely. 🙂

  24. Susanne says:

    HAHAHAAAHAAAA…..

  25. Rene says:

    A lovely start to the day for me Karen-so entertaining

  26. Trish says:

    On more than one occasion, I have left my husband alone at a party. To say, go to the bathroom. Upon my return, I have noticed that the room is now completely empty. What did you do? I’ll say. I like to weed them out fast he says.

  27. mia pratt says:

    Well whoever opted out because of that fantastic post…wasn’t the right kind of person for this blog anyway. We, the remaining fringe-of-society lingerers, are your true tribe. That, I suppose, makes us the Pee Pee tribe…?

  28. Sonia Godbout says:

    Drinking my morning coffee and chuckling – nothing is off limits. From amazing lawn furniture to farts – life is so interesting. You will tackle anything! ! Stay the course !

  29. Angela says:

    KAREN NO MIDDLE NAME BERTELSON, I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!

    I though this was going to be the worldwide list of penis names, and you duped me with a post about butt hair! Damnit, woman! Save your hairy posts for another day and give us what we want: more adolescent giggling about penii! (My choice for the plural of ‘penis’.)

  30. Melissa says:

    Humpf. Just, humpf. Who were those people and how have they lost their way?

    Perplexed, confused and dismayed, but Good riddance to bad rubbish, I always say.

    I’m here to stay dear, for garden news, chicken info, mouse musings, and public hair knowledge, and not necessarily in that order, or really whatever you choose to throw our way!

    So keep on keeping on, dear girl!! I’ll be waiting and listening! And really….screw those who can’t take a good penis joke. Humpf!

    • Melissa says:

      Spelling correction:
      Pubic hair, not public hair. Though, that might be an interesting topic as well, like “Are toupees passe?” OR, “Long live the mullet!” Even, “Bangs: Really Girl? Bangs??”
      ….just sayin….you can use these, really, I won’t mind.

  31. Leticia says:

    The most entertaining thing about Brazilian waxes for me, being a Brazilian, is the name. And the cute designs, of course. I can understand removing all the hair, but making cute designs down there is extra painful. Ouch!

    I don’t subscribe by email, but i do read through RSS. The chicken stuff is fun because of the way you tell it. I live in a city many times bigger than NY and will never raise chickens but stories about chickens with names and personalities that do bizarre things amuse me.

    Now that post about penis nicknames was tame. That was fun like a bunch of twelve year olds in a sleepover. Wait till they get to fifteen.

  32. billy sharpstick says:

    I’m curious. How much did the number of new subscribers outnumber the unsubs? You just raised the bar. Now you’re committed to maintaining this new standard of content or all those perverts will leave again. People like that have short attention spans.

  33. Audrey S. says:

    “Lady wind chamber” and “little wearable anal wings” dear god please don’t ever stop! Pure blogging gold!! Good riddance to the penis prudes, such pussies. I’m forwarding this to all of my friends!

  34. Marilyn says:

    Half a shreddded wheat….?As I’m eating shredded wheat.. way to go Karen.

  35. Kate says:

    From the bottom of my heart …. thank you for my morning laugh – what a great way to start the day!

  36. Danni says:

    Surprised you didn’t add the fact that if you get it waxed whistle clean, (haaaa ass whistle)
    ahem, wait, where was I? Oh yeah, then you can move on to ANAL BLEACHING…. you know, for when you have those close ups you want to look whistle clean and… clean?
    (ok now I’m gagging here….)

  37. Laurie says:

    You are Gold Karen! You should do a post on cute names we use for our “lady wind”. My favourite has always been fluffernutter, as named by my Dad.

    • Elaine says:

      I think you’re on to something here, Laurie! My mother always called “that sound” – Mickey Mouse!

      We all have to admit … Karen is fearless and like another fan suggested, she’d be perfect on Ellen!

  38. Maureen Locke says:

    Oh Karen… this post needs to go viral, I’m going to share it on my FB wall. I was in tears, laughing so hard. Gotta love a girl who says fart. Keep on keeping on and know that I will never leave.
    I get your email but sometimes I just read your post from my FB feed. So when I go to check my email, I don’t click on the link to read your post because I’ve already read it from FB. You may not be getting a true accounting on who’s interested in your posts then.

  39. Rose says:

    If we lose our sense of humor, then all is lost. You go Canadian!

  40. Sharron Wall says:

    Glad they’re gone. Now you can really let go.

  41. Jodi T. says:

    Have a great weekend, Karen!

  42. Mary W says:

    Not only was today fun for the naughty bits but for your excellent writing skills! Well done.

  43. MaryJo says:

    Glad to see ’em go, we don’t need their prissy tight-lipped mugs around here!

  44. Diane says:

    Is no one else going to ask for a post for names used for our ‘lady bits’? Isn’t it only fair, now that we’ve identified a distinct interest in naming men’s junk, that we give equal time to our stuff? It could go a long way in reclaiming all those derisive words used as insults.
    And for sure weed out the rest of the faint of heart.

  45. Susan says:

    Karen you are too funny! I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard! The …topics of global importance…sentence is what got me! So, so funny!

  46. Linda in Illinois says:

    I’m sticking with you Karen, never had a better start to my days. You are the best. Love your posts and like I always say, you are my inspiration. Keep it up.

  47. Lori says:

    Hi Karen, I just wanted to tell you since you said it was a record number that opted out…there may have been more to that. I got that email and read that post….and a little while later….maybe a week or so, I realized that I hadn’t gotten any emails from you. I went back to check and see if you had been posting and sure enough you had. I never opted out…and had to sign back up for your emails…so…maybe something went amiss?

    • Karen says:

      There is the odd glitch with Mailchimp for some reason. I’m not sure what it is but the odd time I do get people saying they stop getting my emails for some reason. I’ve asked Mailchimp about it and they don’t seem to know what the problem is. :/ It doesn’t happen a lot but it does happen … Sorry for the interruption in my posts! ~ karen!

  48. Ev Wilcox says:

    Wow. I’m already super disappointed in many people I know-now I have to be disappointed in some people I don’t know! You had readers jump ship for that post? Well, they must have not been all that to begin with. One of the first posts I read of yours was the popsicle tampon cure. It was funny. You are funny. And oh so smart on many levels. I suspect you have been a little wounded by all this. Please try to just let it go. I have never found passing gas to be funny, so I guess I am a prude. But a lot of people seem to think it is funny, and that is fine with me. Your posts are one of my favorite things ever. Penis penis penis! They can just suck it-or not, probably!

    • Karen says:

      NO! I’m not sounded Ev, lol. Not at all. I’m happy when someone unsubscribes. It means they don’t like it around here and if they don’t like it around here it’s best not to have them here, if that makes sense to you. So no, not at all wounded. Not by unsubscribers anyway, lol. It’s a lesson anyone new to blogging should take. See unsubscribes as a positive not a negative because it means your group is being condensed into people who really like what you’re doing and saying. ~ karen!

      • Karin Sorensen says:

        hear, hear!!! i totally agree. rather have them leave before they poison the atmosphere with snarky comments.

        farting, the most natural thing there is. the boys would have competitions on who done it best and be all proud of themselves. but as soon as i “chime” in they get all piqued. damn double standards!

        if it doesn’t pay rent, it’s gotta go, that’s what i always say when i’m a’tootin’

        have a great weekend

        karin

  49. Eileen says:

    olordy…the boutique next to the hardware store closed and has been replaced by “The European Wax Salon” which I have just tried to ignore. But now I have to wonder…and wonder…and hold my breath as I pass (er, walk by, that is!)…just in case….

  50. jainegayer says:

    LMAO and spitting coffee out my nose onto my keyboard just when I had taken it off to wash it, not my nose the protective skin that I had to purchase when I first found your blog dear Karen. The hell with those sissies! If they can’t take a little pee pee humor who needs them. And I still from time to time view your Frozen Yogurt Tampon, my favorite. Nope, you are stuck with me forever!

  51. PNW Jenn says:

    My husband did NOT appreciate my reading this to him over breakfast.

  52. Karin in NC says:

    Not only are you funny as hell, but I always learn something from your blog posts. Like today – I wasn’t even aware that there was such a thing as or a need for anal wigs. Hmph. Who knew, right? So, no. I won’t be leaving.

  53. I have just ONE question: How HAIRY is your anus!?!

  54. Rhonda Notschaele says:

    I love you Karen. I laughed so loud my husband came to see what was going on and I had to share the post with him. If you ever want to visit Regina (the home of the RCMP, the city that rhymes with fun and Deadpool’s hometown) let me know. Saskatchewan is an amazing province and I have a lovely guest room for you and will tour you around.

  55. Safetydog says:

    That’s why I read your blog – I always learn something. On a divergent, yet related note, the other night during rehearsal, my church choir director asked to hear “the lady parts”. I was the only one who snickered, while everyone else was mature. Luckily, I sing with the men. It’s hard to sing while snickering.

  56. OMG! With that one I am definitely a lifer! Thanks for making me laugh today!

  57. A Guy says:

    Karen, how could anyone be disappointed or upset with these recent discussions? I mean after all, what is the Canadian national animal? Please continue.

  58. Lisa says:

    I just learned you are never too old to learn something.
    I like your style.

  59. Patricia says:

    Karen, I don’t know how I first found you. but I am so happy that I did.
    keep being you.

  60. Maureen says:

    I cant even type…..?

  61. Linda says:

    Karen, can I live in your back yard if I bring my own cardboard box? I’m embarrassed for my country and not sure I want to be seen here anymore.
    After raising 3 boys (and 2 girls) and hearing more than my share of farts (and fart jokes), it’s still a damned funny topic. One of the girls would, if the dinner conversation got too loud, would silence everyone to announce, “I farted”. Brought the house down every time.

  62. Benjamin says:

    go big or go home. I swallow rainbows and fart glitter. no wiglettes, no shredded wheat, give em a blast of rumble-tush they’ll be talking about till easter. let me know if you need anyone to give ya tutorials of helping men keep their butter beans clean…

  63. SusanR says:

    Just in case there are any holdouts, or for those who would have fled had they read the post, but didn’t read it, do a contest for the most embarrassing sexual experience. No names allowed, no identifiers as to whom the participants of the experience were. That will clean out the corners.

    As others have pointed out, anyone who left because of that post wasn’t in the right place, anyway. There was nothing wrong with it. Some people go through life looking for things to be offended about. Thank you for bending their noses out of shape. Keep up the good work!

  64. Liz Douglas says:

    LOL!!!!!!!!! I don’t quite know what to say…… I’m reading this during lunch at work. I can’t stop laughing. We are supposed to be respectable here. It’s really hard when you fall off your chair.

  65. Marlene E says:

    Ahhhhh Karen …. just love ya!!! another fabulous post!!! Hubby and I just enjoyed the best chuckle after reading this!!

    I had to forward this to my daughter out on Vancity. Fart humour is well loved on our family, so I knew she would enjoy it ….. and she did and forwarded it to all the ladies in her office. You just might be getting more followers!!! The young ‘un also enjoyed the pee pee post, as well as all the comments ….. like mother, like daughter!!!

    Keep the humour coming!!! and the DYI’s and pics of your house and chickens!!!

  66. anon says:

    You’re so very funny!! And you’re commenters are the best. The idea about going on Ellen is awesome.
    But I have one serious question, I’m an older person, grew up in the let it all hairy hang out early 70s, and an ER nurse and people that are de-haired look like weird 4 year olds. Who wants to do it with them?? How did this custom develop? Somebody explain, I have no one else to ask.

    • Karen says:

      Well, like everything I’m sure it started with porn. The trend now is to just keep things tidy and not go full frontal nude. No more landing strips, no more baby bald, just your basic neatly cropped triangle. In some circles, the 70’s look is going strong but it’s awfully hard to pull off in a string bikini. ~ karen!

  67. anon says:

    Oh, it should “your” commenters not “you’re” commenters. And here I was bitching in my head about chaffing. It’s CHAFING dammit. One F. Thanks.

  68. Stephanie says:

    Sitting at my office doing the quiet shoulder shake as the tears run down my face. I didn’t get to all the comments, but asking: did not one person get around to asking Karen if her recent exploits in this regard have anything to do with a ball playing coach? Keep it up Karen!

  69. Jody says:

    Are you kidding me? Penis, wiener, and dink were offensive? Anus will put them right over the hairy edge.

  70. Gayle M says:

    Well, that certainly was one way to clean out the cupboards! LOL Some people really needto push beyond those comfort zones and laugh a little.

    Waaaaay to Funny! NO way will you be losing this reader.

  71. Jude Eadie says:

    Too funny Karen!

  72. Stephanie Smith says:

    I FOUND you from the yogurt tampon post. I’ll never leave you! Who else understands my chicken porn needs?

  73. Maggie Van Sickle says:

    Lady wind chamber. I love it.

  74. Kelli says:

    LOL!!! I think Brazilians (which, as you know, is much MORE than a simple mazillion) are for pu—well, you get my drift.

    So if one gets one of those procedures, what’s left to catch the drips from one’s yogurt tampon???

    I mean really.

  75. Sheryl says:

    Karen, You keep it real, and fun. Yours is actually the only blog I read. Period. After all, I’m too busy to read blog’s, but yours is too much fun not to read! The reader’s you lost just don’t get us. See how I’m kind of taking credit for your hard work? We’re kindred spirits, so I can do that. PECKER! ✌

  76. Gilly Bean says:

    Bha hahahaha!!!

    Too many comments to comment on too. You’re readers are a hilarious bunch too.

  77. Kari says:

    ???

    Yes I love the D ?

  78. Patti P says:

    Karen, you are a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. I love reading your blog. Thanks for your humorous way of looking at life.

  79. Mariella says:

    Oh, their loss! Can’t survive snow days without your blog!

  80. leslie says:

    I’m just going to say.. I think my anus hairs have been sleeping on the job. That, or I’m going bald from the ass up.

  81. Janelle says:

    I’m confused – do you mean a full sized shredded wheat, or spoon-sized – because the former seems rather too large and the latter too small and as such, capable of becoming dislodged and rocketing out of the bottom of one’s pant leg.

  82. Ann Brookens says:

    Oh, Karen. Even as intelligent and dainty as I am, you are just too funny and too “real” to ever give up!

  83. Amy Watson says:

    I ain’t going anywhere, after all you talk about the big purple dong 🙂

  84. Kristi S. says:

    You’re not getting rid of me with that 🙂

  85. Carole says:

    I’m so glad I didn’t miss this and that I’m *a part* of the *in* crowd who got to pee, fart, snort and have a grand laugh!
    Thanks Karen…
    A fan forever

  86. Irene says:

    As a friend is known to say, I laughed so hard the tears ran down my leg. ?

  87. JC says:

    Utterly brilliant, witty and laugh out loud funny. This was a pleasure to read and certainly made my evening much more enjoyable for the hearty belly laugh it gave me. Thank you!

  88. Peter says:

    Pffffft!

  89. Carole says:

    I’m reading this for a second, third time and I’m still laughing so hard. Shredded wheat just shreds me:)

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