There is absolutely no predicting people. People who read DIY blogs, this one in particular, are as unpredictable as a cat in a butterfly conservatory. If someone were to run into any single one of you they’d probably think you were a perfectly respectable person at first glance. A stand up citizen who refills their gas tank before it gets below 1/4 of a tank and who wears different underwear every single day.
But you’re not. You’re a bunch of teenage boys. A gaggle of pimply faced, adolescent teens, standing in front of the mirror looking at the 4 hairs on your upper lip which look exactly like the 4 hairs on the upper lip of your younger sister, only you’ve put a little mascara on yours to make them look more lush. Which will attract all kinds of praise while you hold your place in line for the next Star Wars movie.
A few weeks ago I ran out of things to talk about so I posed a vocabulary question to you in a well researched and articulated post where I talked about pee pees.
Here’s a picture of a kitten for those of you who are getting uncomfortable.
A lot of you get my posts by email. Every time I publish a new post, it immediately pops into your inbox. If you don’t have this luxury service that I offer, you can get it by clicking here. I can judge how much interest a post has generated based on how many of you open that email and then how many of you click on it to read it further.
You, the mothers, the wives, the daughters, the fathers, the uncles and brothers clicked on the pee pee post more than almost any other post in the past year. So even though you claim to be interested in the more highbrow topics I offer such as The Frozen Yogourt Tampon or Big Hairy Balls you actually just want to learn everything you can about wieners.
The post, in case you somehow missed it, was a linguistic experiment of sorts, requiring readers to state what terms they use to describe a certain male body part. Like all of my posts, it was done in a most grown up and tasteful way which was instantly recognizable by the fact that I only used the word gonorrhoea once.
I also had a record number of people opt out of receiving my informative emails after the pee pee post was published, which is GREAT because it means you and I can continue to be fun and laugh and build things and make fart jokes without worrying about any people with actual standards trying to stop us from educating ourselves on topics of global importance like why getting a full Brazilian wax means you’ll never be able to muffle your toots.
It’s a well known fact that Brazilian waxes (distinguishable from regular waxes by the Brazilian waxer’s calling card, a crown made out of pubic hair ) involve removing all the bodily hair that runs between your chin and your toes. Front and back. Yes, that includes the anus. You probably didn’t realize that those hairs serve, especially for ladies, a very important sanitary purpose. When a lady farts, those anus hairs gather together and form a loving, hairy, sound muffling hug around what has the potential to be an embarrassing bodily noise. The hazy, wind blowing out of her bum at 7 mph can only be blamed on her husband, cat, dog or boss who happens to be standing beside her in the elevator if, and ONLY IF she can muffle the sound.
Once unceremoniously ripped up from the gas belching volcanus they’ve been guarding since adolescence, there’s nothing left to do their job. Those hairs that have been stoically muting your lady wind chamber are forever released from their duties, or at least until new ones grow back. Without so much as a thank you or an excuse me.
While most people have a difficult time distinguishing where sounds come from; Is that my cell phone ringing or yours?, Is someone at the front door? Is that the television or are you talking to your mother again? humans have an uncanny ability to pinpoint exactly which bum bum a fart sound escaped out of. I suspect it’s some sort of primal instinct dating back to when cavemen first tried out the pull my finger joke on their wives.
I just thought it was important to let you know about the potentially embarrassing side effects of a Brazilian wax for anyone who was thinking of getting a Brazilian wax because you think *hair* is embarrassing. At least this way you’ll be prepared for what’s to come and might even be able to look into low cost solutions like little wearable anal wigs or something of the sort. Putting half a shredded wheat down there might even do the job.
It is unfortunate that we lost a few of our ever growing members but we can all take solace in the fact that they are currently mortified in an elevator surrounded by a cloud of green gas with nobody to blame but themselves.
Have a good weekend!
p.s. that oughtta get rid of the last of them.
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… all this scratchin’ is makin’ me itch
You will also dribble down your thigh when you pee because there is nothing to whisk it away….unless you spread and push 😉
Oh, come on, nothing stops the dribble except a panty liner!!
True!
To 2 too funny
You’re never getting rid of me.
“Little wearable anal wigs” . . . surely you hear me crashing into furniture as I roll on the floor laughing.
hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha
Yup, that part got me too!! I’m sticking around, cause Karen’s Funny as Hell 🙂
It was the shredded wheat that got me. What a hoot, or do I mean toot? Oh Karen, what will she think of next?
That actually makes a “bit” of sense. Agh, it would grow and get mushy. Noooo!
We need to come up with a name for them. Merkins have been around for centuries (look them up!)
You’ll have to do a whole lot better than this before I abandon your blog. You are a hoot! Don’t ever change.
Brazilian wax is still a thing??? Or did it just come back after the vajazzling, merking and fancy hair dyes of a few years ago?
A fascinating thing your blog Karen
Ag I still dig your posts, so sorry for you, I am here to stay!
YOU’VE GOT TO GO ON ELLEN AND DO STAND UP …… HER RATINGS ARE AWESOME BUT YOU’ WOULD BLOW THIER MINDS, GIRL !! BESIDES SHE COULD DO WITH YOUR WINDY HUMOUR TO BOLSTER HER SCREWBALL STYLE …. MY GOD, WHAT A PAIR !
Those of us who follow…. follow. I may pass on some of the chicken stuff, but not the fun stuff. Still here, and plan on staying for a l-o-n-g time!
I don’t know why farts are so entertaining! I can’t even say fart aloud without giggling. And, reading your posts just bring out the guffaws . . .
Farts shouldn’t be! It’s N. America that’s made a fart “funny or embarrassing”. We’re the ones who teach our kids that. I knew a woman from S. American who farted w/o care – it’s normal. And kids fart w/o care, until they’re taught. It’s a shame that it can take years to be able to fart within hearing of your spouse. What a relief when you finally can. lol
Never stop! your sense of humour is the best! I never know what I will be reading about next! Anal wigs!!!
And here I just ate a bowl of shredded wheat and didn’t have even a half of one left, not that I need it. I love us bawdy women.
Volcanus!! Help me!
I’m laughing and I can’t get up!
I don’t think I’ll ever look at shredded wheat the same way again.
Or little anal wigs…
Is that what he has on his head?
LOL! Hmmm. . . . who are you talking about? 😉
Lisa, Lisa, someone will be mad and say you’re unfair.
The possum of course! Haven’t you ever looked at them closely – shock of stuff on top of their head 😉
Now I know where it came from!
That got a huge laugh and spurt of coffee! Good job! Wish it wasn’t so true.
I haven’t passed on anything, especially not the chicken stuff 🙂 I added two Blacks Copper Marans pullets 2 weeks ago!
`I can be a teeny bit prudish-hey I raised three raucous rowdy teenage boys and Mom had to act as though vulgarity was indicative of a lack of vocabulary and good taste even while laughing my A*ss off at a lot of their conversations. Some of the sneaking out to field parties with huge bonfires and kegs left me convinced they would all spend their adult lives behind bars or at Bars….but they made it to adulthood and they still do not swear around Mom, so a small-ish victory. I love your irreverence and the fact you are a Lady Canadian-all of whom I am convinced are never rude crude or mean. Could we Americans camp out in Canada until the next Election? You may think I’m joking with that request but I guarantee you I would prefer a cardboard box in the Land of the Sane to this rerun of Orwell’s 1984. Faithful Follower………………………Scared fartless in America…
Yup, I feel your pain, Judy!
I’d like a neighboring cardboard box, please.
I do believe Karen’s next post should be “how to glam up a cardboard box using half a shredded wheat”! Make room for me!
I, too, would like one.
We could start a TV show on designing stylish, cardboard box homes.
I was thinking the SAME thing! I’d be OK with the cardboard box as long as there was wi-fi and a space heater. Canada looks better and better every day…and Karen proves it! 🙂
This American needs your humor more every day. (I try to shop at Amazon via your store so I hope that helps! Sorry you lost people but you still have very faithful followers!!) 🙂
Oh I’m not worried about losing anyone. 🙂 And thanks for using my Amazon links. Every bit helps to ensure I can continue to bring you stories about chickens, gardening and anal wigs. ~ karen!
If she says we can come, I’m all over finding my cardboard box!!!
We may run out of cardboard boxes here in Manitoba if the rate of refugees walking over the North Dakota border to seek safe haven here continues..69 in the last three weeks.
I needed that as we hit heat-wave number 3 here. Have images of using possum fur instead of shredded wheat. 🙂
No, no, please save possum fur for my favourite socks. Which we desperately need just now in the great white north.
You send us some of your cold and I’ll send you some of our heat (42celius here on Sunday!). Eeeeeeek.
Leave? Not bloody likely! Where else could I learn about volcanus? And anal wigs? You are a wealth of information m’dear, not to mention side splitting laughter.
Please carry on regardless.
All I can think of now is the shredded wheat man from the commercials, yelling, “Pull my finger!”
All I can think of is walking around with a shredded wheat clenched between my ass cheeks…and how much it would chaff to walk!
Karen…you have out done yourself once again! Ta ta bye bye to all the weenie haters. I read every single one and laughed so hard!! Yes I have been told that I have a sick sense of humor and because of it that is what makes me so lovable!! Plus there is never a dry eye when I get on a roll and my mouth has a severe case of diarrhea. Have some funny shit stories….maybe you can have a “go” on diarrhea next!!
Well, this article should certainly lure the prim and proper crowd back!
Use frosted shredded wheat and it not only muffles the farts but acts as an air freshener.
LOL
Yvonne, what a brilliant idea!
I am in pain with laughing so much…?
OMG… brilliant… simply brilliant she says as her largeous body jiggles with laughter and coffee spills out of her cup. 🙂 Might I suggest dampening the shredded wheat to cut down on the chaffing.
still laughing at that
‘p.s. that oughtta get rid of the last of them.’ I was laughing through the whole post but at this I snorted and may or may not have farted while laughing – which is a dangerous thing to do at my age! That leads to peeing a little, and…it is downhill from there. What I would like to see now is a pie chart of which were the favorite/most common words for the pee pee.
Oh yes! I’d like to see that…or even a line chart. Heck, I’d probably even giggle at a list!
I’m all in. I just happen to be reading Rusty Bed Springs by I. P. Freely. 🙂
HAHAHAAAHAAAA…..
A lovely start to the day for me Karen-so entertaining
On more than one occasion, I have left my husband alone at a party. To say, go to the bathroom. Upon my return, I have noticed that the room is now completely empty. What did you do? I’ll say. I like to weed them out fast he says.
Well whoever opted out because of that fantastic post…wasn’t the right kind of person for this blog anyway. We, the remaining fringe-of-society lingerers, are your true tribe. That, I suppose, makes us the Pee Pee tribe…?
Drinking my morning coffee and chuckling – nothing is off limits. From amazing lawn furniture to farts – life is so interesting. You will tackle anything! ! Stay the course !
KAREN NO MIDDLE NAME BERTELSON, I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!
I though this was going to be the worldwide list of penis names, and you duped me with a post about butt hair! Damnit, woman! Save your hairy posts for another day and give us what we want: more adolescent giggling about penii! (My choice for the plural of ‘penis’.)
I’m with you sister!!!
Humpf. Just, humpf. Who were those people and how have they lost their way?
Perplexed, confused and dismayed, but Good riddance to bad rubbish, I always say.
I’m here to stay dear, for garden news, chicken info, mouse musings, and public hair knowledge, and not necessarily in that order, or really whatever you choose to throw our way!
So keep on keeping on, dear girl!! I’ll be waiting and listening! And really….screw those who can’t take a good penis joke. Humpf!
Spelling correction:
Pubic hair, not public hair. Though, that might be an interesting topic as well, like “Are toupees passe?” OR, “Long live the mullet!” Even, “Bangs: Really Girl? Bangs??”
….just sayin….you can use these, really, I won’t mind.
Well I was talking about it publicly so …. either one works. 😉 ~ karen!
The most entertaining thing about Brazilian waxes for me, being a Brazilian, is the name. And the cute designs, of course. I can understand removing all the hair, but making cute designs down there is extra painful. Ouch!
I don’t subscribe by email, but i do read through RSS. The chicken stuff is fun because of the way you tell it. I live in a city many times bigger than NY and will never raise chickens but stories about chickens with names and personalities that do bizarre things amuse me.
Now that post about penis nicknames was tame. That was fun like a bunch of twelve year olds in a sleepover. Wait till they get to fifteen.
“Now that post about penis nicknames was tame.” That’s what I thought, lol. ~ karen!
I’m curious. How much did the number of new subscribers outnumber the unsubs? You just raised the bar. Now you’re committed to maintaining this new standard of content or all those perverts will leave again. People like that have short attention spans.
“Lady wind chamber” and “little wearable anal wings” dear god please don’t ever stop! Pure blogging gold!! Good riddance to the penis prudes, such pussies. I’m forwarding this to all of my friends!
Half a shreddded wheat….?As I’m eating shredded wheat.. way to go Karen.
hahahahahah! ~ karen!
From the bottom of my heart …. thank you for my morning laugh – what a great way to start the day!
Surprised you didn’t add the fact that if you get it waxed whistle clean, (haaaa ass whistle)
ahem, wait, where was I? Oh yeah, then you can move on to ANAL BLEACHING…. you know, for when you have those close ups you want to look whistle clean and… clean?
(ok now I’m gagging here….)
LOVE the “whistle” clean reference, for those that whistle instead of toot!
You are Gold Karen! You should do a post on cute names we use for our “lady wind”. My favourite has always been fluffernutter, as named by my Dad.
I think you’re on to something here, Laurie! My mother always called “that sound” – Mickey Mouse!
We all have to admit … Karen is fearless and like another fan suggested, she’d be perfect on Ellen!
I met someone who said “Mallards” every time it happened – and she never held back.
As somebody who has a name that means “Keeper of Ducks”, I’m keeping this! “Oh, there’s a duck – must have been a Mallard!”
Oh Karen… this post needs to go viral, I’m going to share it on my FB wall. I was in tears, laughing so hard. Gotta love a girl who says fart. Keep on keeping on and know that I will never leave.
I get your email but sometimes I just read your post from my FB feed. So when I go to check my email, I don’t click on the link to read your post because I’ve already read it from FB. You may not be getting a true accounting on who’s interested in your posts then.
Thanks for sharing Maureen! 🙂 ~ karen!
If we lose our sense of humor, then all is lost. You go Canadian!
Glad they’re gone. Now you can really let go.
Have a great weekend, Karen!
Thanks Jodi! ~ karen
Not only was today fun for the naughty bits but for your excellent writing skills! Well done.
Oh yeah, and the kitten – that made it perfect.
Thank you Mary. W ~ karen!
Glad to see ’em go, we don’t need their prissy tight-lipped mugs around here!
LOL. ~ karen!
Is no one else going to ask for a post for names used for our ‘lady bits’? Isn’t it only fair, now that we’ve identified a distinct interest in naming men’s junk, that we give equal time to our stuff? It could go a long way in reclaiming all those derisive words used as insults.
And for sure weed out the rest of the faint of heart.
Karen you are too funny! I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard! The …topics of global importance…sentence is what got me! So, so funny!
I’m sticking with you Karen, never had a better start to my days. You are the best. Love your posts and like I always say, you are my inspiration. Keep it up.
Hi Karen, I just wanted to tell you since you said it was a record number that opted out…there may have been more to that. I got that email and read that post….and a little while later….maybe a week or so, I realized that I hadn’t gotten any emails from you. I went back to check and see if you had been posting and sure enough you had. I never opted out…and had to sign back up for your emails…so…maybe something went amiss?
There is the odd glitch with Mailchimp for some reason. I’m not sure what it is but the odd time I do get people saying they stop getting my emails for some reason. I’ve asked Mailchimp about it and they don’t seem to know what the problem is. :/ It doesn’t happen a lot but it does happen … Sorry for the interruption in my posts! ~ karen!
Wow. I’m already super disappointed in many people I know-now I have to be disappointed in some people I don’t know! You had readers jump ship for that post? Well, they must have not been all that to begin with. One of the first posts I read of yours was the popsicle tampon cure. It was funny. You are funny. And oh so smart on many levels. I suspect you have been a little wounded by all this. Please try to just let it go. I have never found passing gas to be funny, so I guess I am a prude. But a lot of people seem to think it is funny, and that is fine with me. Your posts are one of my favorite things ever. Penis penis penis! They can just suck it-or not, probably!
NO! I’m not sounded Ev, lol. Not at all. I’m happy when someone unsubscribes. It means they don’t like it around here and if they don’t like it around here it’s best not to have them here, if that makes sense to you. So no, not at all wounded. Not by unsubscribers anyway, lol. It’s a lesson anyone new to blogging should take. See unsubscribes as a positive not a negative because it means your group is being condensed into people who really like what you’re doing and saying. ~ karen!
hear, hear!!! i totally agree. rather have them leave before they poison the atmosphere with snarky comments.
farting, the most natural thing there is. the boys would have competitions on who done it best and be all proud of themselves. but as soon as i “chime” in they get all piqued. damn double standards!
if it doesn’t pay rent, it’s gotta go, that’s what i always say when i’m a’tootin’
have a great weekend
karin
LOL
olordy…the boutique next to the hardware store closed and has been replaced by “The European Wax Salon” which I have just tried to ignore. But now I have to wonder…and wonder…and hold my breath as I pass (er, walk by, that is!)…just in case….
LMAO and spitting coffee out my nose onto my keyboard just when I had taken it off to wash it, not my nose the protective skin that I had to purchase when I first found your blog dear Karen. The hell with those sissies! If they can’t take a little pee pee humor who needs them. And I still from time to time view your Frozen Yogurt Tampon, my favorite. Nope, you are stuck with me forever!