My mother doesn't swear. She'll tell you that if you ask her. Ask my nephew and he'll give you a different answer. When he was 6 years old he declared that "My gramma, smokes, drinks and swears a lot" to his Kindergarten teacher.
In his defence, the teacher did ask what his grandmother was like. The photo above is my mother's "I'm in public so I can't swear face." Notice the pinched smile and hands gripping her knees.
Of course my mother was mortified when she heard about what my nephew said to his teacher. He hadn't even mentioned her sassy fashion sense.
So I get my love of clothing, my migraines and my colourful language from my mother.
Unless you ask her. In which case she'll say she doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about.
Of my two sisters, one swears and one does not. As in, I have never heard her swear a word in my entire life. Ever. Not once. Not even in secret I bet. She also doesn't drink, smoke or lie and has natural blindingly blonde hair. She's no fun at all.
My OTHER sister? She's lots of fun.
I first published this post asking if you swear, TEN years ago and haven't looked at it since. I cannot wait to start scrolling through the comments. I have noticed in that time I've adopted a very weird habit.
Instead of swearing, sometimes out of the blue I say "Darn it all to heck". Mainly in place of one of the lower grade swear words like shit. For instance if my toast burns it might get a Darn it all to heck, whereas a few years ago it definitely would have elicited a SHIT.
I maybe just don't care as much about toast as I used to.
So tell me my little assheads. Do you swear? And before you answer no, think of the second thing that would pop out of your mouth if you were to smash your shin on a glass table. (I'm assuming the first thing would some sort of grunt or cry)
I'll go first. Yes. I swear. And it isn't because I have a poverty of vocabulary. I'm simply a fan.
Chris
OMG. I swear like a truck-driving sailor in prison. It drives my father-in-law crazy when I say f*ck. He says it's not lady-like. I ask him whoever said I was a f*ckin' lady? Hubs and I kid him that our daughter's first words are going to be "F*ck you, Grandpa" accompanied by fingers, of course.
Deb
Oh yeah. I have tried other words when I've stubbed my toe on the leg of the couch or hit the top of my head on the corner of the cupboard and "fuck" is the ONLY word that relieves the pain. I have friends who have made swearing an art form, but I've not mastered that higher level. Once, on a particularly rotten day my adult daughter was having, we drove by an old truck with a bumper sticker that read, "Fuck you, you fucking fuck." Couldn't have said it better.
Teresa J
When my daughter was 4 years old, it was raining really hard outside and she looked out the window and said "it's the shits out there!" I was so shocked but gee, I wonder where she got that from!!!
You knew my Dad was really mad when he said: Mexican Lord Louie! I have no idea where that came from but if he said it you knew!!! It was time to run in the house and tell Mom!!
Thanks for the memories!!
Auntiepatch
I usually only swear when some Jackass cuts me off in traffic! And then I yell "Jackass!" at him or her; I'm a PC swearer. Sometimes I do say SHIT! when I go into a room for the 3rd or 4th time for something I forget once I get there...I really hate that..... Never dropped the F-bomb though.
Jake
Having spent over 30 years in the car business I can swear with the best of them. I can even swear in different languages, don't speak the language just know the odd word or two or twenty. Only time I watch what I say is in front of kids, they are such sponges, on the other hand, some of them could probably teach me a word or two, nah!
Shawn
I not only swear, I swear, spit, and stomp my feet repeatedly when something goes wrong...and I am not one bit ashamed of my temper or my tantrums.. I don't throw the tantrums in public, usually...:) You can be sure I swear in public though, and I learned it from the most unlikely source too, my Mrs. Santa doppleganger grandma.. yep, she looks like Mrs. Klaus and cusses like the most sea worthy sailor. She didn't lose it often, but when she did even the cops ran for cover. All 4'11" inches of her could make a grown man quake, I know, I saw it. She gave birth to 5 kids, 3 boys and 2 girls, all at home and all in her own bed. Grandpa delivered them and the first born weighed 14 lbs... she earned her right to her temper if you ask me.
Amber
I was at my ex-boyfriends mothers apartment when she taught me how to swear. She was drunk, pissed of at her errant son and said "Fuckin' fuck that fucking fuck-fuck!"
I knew just what she meant.
I don't swear now as a rule, because people seem to hear you better when you don't, but my favorite is cocksucker :)
TucsonPatty
I love to swear....cocksucker, motherfucker, pussy,fuck, shit, fuck you, shit pig.....That should cover most of it...
TucsonPatty
OMG! I'm so sorry. I was reading these replies to my friend who said she wanted to read and reply and when she gave my computer back to me - she was cracking up laughing and I then saw what she wrote. I don't say all that, but she does. She is laughing so hard! I'm so embarrassed!
Karen
That reminds me of the time I went for lunch with my sister and we both got mild food poisoning. As I lay on the couch just feeling generally unwell, my boyfriend sneaked my iphone into the kitchen and sent a text to my sister that said "I just shit my pants". I couldn't figure out what he was laughing at. ~ karen!
TucsonPatty
I was laughing at this, and my friend said to tell you she aims to please. She says she forgot son of a bitch and she doesn't like the c*** word. She does have principles, after all.
I love your blog, Karen, I love it and read it religiously. But I'm not. Religious. I swear too much. ; )
kathryn
I rarely swear - have a few substitutes I try (don't always succeed) to push to the front of my mind/mouth in toe-stubbing situations. But I do feel strongly that we should be trying to reclaim female genitalia from being the "worst" words. When I hear it used (as it almost inevitably is) as an insulting and negative word, I always like to ask the speaker, "What's so terrible about cunts? I've got a cunt, it's great!". You can imagine, this gets mixed responses - including being told that I am disgusting for using it! But so far no-one has even attempted to explain to me why a cunt is the worst thing you could possibly compare something/someone with - most often I get some mumbling about how it's just a horrible-sounding (more like aggressive-sounding) word. Hmmm.
Wondering if this will pass censorship...?
x
Penny
Over here (UK) it's a term of endearment reserved for 'best mates'!
kathryn
I'm a Brit living in the UK. "Cunt" does get used as you describe, Penny, but in my experience still intended as an insult, even if an affection one ("you old bastards", "you daft bugger", etc) - which I believe continues to perpetuate sexist and misogynistic aspects of our society.
Bollocks; I didn't intend this to get so fucking serious, though ;o) !
Laura Bee
Yes, but a lot less since I stopped working in restaurants! And even less since our daughter was born. Daddy needs to ease up a little I think. The other day he said "...oh God--" and without missing a beat our three year old pulled out a "dammit!" She also was singing "Shitshitshitshit" in the car the other day.
When I am out without her I let loose a little - everyone needs to vent!
TucsonPatty
I read every single comment in order to learn anything new! I swear, I tried to stop when my 22 year old was little. We had just missed the shuttle train in the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport, and after telling her we had to hurry really fast to get to our next gate, she stomped her foot and said Damn, Damn, Damn. I was horrified and told her Grandma would be really sad if she heard that. Then I asked her if I had just done that and she nodded her head and said "Yes"
I this I have said and do say everything everyone else has said, and one of my favorites is from a co-worker - Son of a crack whore! I laugh every time. It works when Son of a Whatever...works and much more.
I have laughed and laughed at these stories --- Oh. My. Shit. is awesome, and Fuckityfuckfuckfuck is something I have said. Hangs head in shame. Looks up and grins. Oh well, fuck you! I also say Jesus H. Christ and God Bless America. I think that one came from when DD was little.
I grew up on a farm and my dad and one of his friends never knew that we got as close to them as we could so we could count cuss-words. Either in a minute or 5 minutes or in one sentence. My dad's Midwestern accent became "Got-Damn Sunza-Bitchin Sunza Bitches". I heard that a lot! Love to cuss.
Karen, thanks for the opportunity for everyone to share!
Sally
One of my favourites that I tend to default to is 'son of a biscuit' - completely innocuous, but juuuuust close enough!
Linda R
Like a merchant marine.
Sandy
Me swear?? Of course I don't swear "you little pecker with ears"!!
Vanessa
All the time. I fucking love swearing. It's really fucking hard to not fucking swear in public.
mrsblocko
oh yes.
Sera
Ehem, F*** yes I swear. Unfortunately, more often when I'm in a situation where swearing might be a little more offensive. Then I can't seem to get my mouth out of the gutter despite my red faced embarrassment. Oh well. I guess I'm just a potty mouth.
Tash @ The Dreamhouse Project
I don't swear....I CUSS. Much more than I should. I try very hard to reign it in in front of my 4 year old...especially since my not-so-fine parenting moment came when my son was not even 2. We were exploring the Animal Flower Caves in Barbados – and upon entering the cave among all the “Wows,” “Oohs” and “Ahhs,” my little guy's awed faced reaction was...
"Oh. My. SHIT!"
I can tell you that as the words reverberated and echoed through the cave walls and every other tourist within earshot turned to gape at our potty mouthed toddler I was mortified.
That said - sometimes a good f bomb is just appropriate. I even get creative when I hurt myself. Shin on a glass table would probably elicit a "Son-of-a F**K!" out of me. "Ow" would come much. MUCH later... LOL!
Karen
Oh my shit??!!! LOL!!!! I like it. ~ karen!
Tash @ The Dreamhouse Project
YES! Can you imagine?? Kid could barely speak clearly but THAT little number rang clear as a bell! You had to hear the delivery though...paused in all the right places and everything. I can laugh now but at the time I wanted to crawl into a hole & disappear!
We just tried to quietly yet strongly suggest that we don’t use that word, to which he gave us the Bambi eyed nod…clearly having NO idea what he’d just said. Lol...
Stephanie Hobson
Oh yeah. I'm famous for my colorful language. 47 years ago in the labor room fixing to pop my son out, while the other ladies were screaming their heads off I was cursing. Not so well accepted at that time. lol That experience apparently affected my son greatly, as he is a famous swearer in his own right.
True story... when his daughter was not yet 2 years old (now 17) and barely talking, she was wandering around the house with her beloved sippy cup while he was sitting on the sofa talking to a friend on the phone. She climbed up and sat beside him, happily drinking her juice. Something his friend said fired him up and he said "bull shit!" without thinking about her being there. She popped the sippy cup out of her mouth, said "shit bull!", then popped the cup back in. Practically her first words. So proud. :)
J
I'm currently watching the Nebraska football game and would have to say yes, yes, I do swear a lot.
MissyJ
I am a Grandmother.....I bake chocolate chip cookies.....I go to soccer games.... I read Family Circle.......but I do have to confess....swearing makes me HAPPY! Sorry kids, the Grandkids will just have to deal with a happy grandma!
nancy
Personally, I don't. I am Catholic and don't want to take God's name in vain. And once I start, it becomes an instant habit and my language deteriorates so badly so quickly, it's scary. My mother always said "cursing is a sign of a poor vocabulary." Now that we have all grown up, *shit* is her favorite word.