This is the story of Edgar the Spider. A Halloween tale . Get under a blanket, turn the lights off and prepare to be afraid. It's a Halloween tradition around here.
Sunday morning I woke up and declared it pajama day. I did this out loud, to my cats, while sitting cross legged on the couch with my morning coffee. Both cats gave their sign of approval by completely ignoring me. Perfect. Pajama day it was then. For the next hour or so I flipped through the small stack of decorating magazines that had been growing on my coffee table since August. By the time I got to the pumpkin heavy October issue of Country Living I realized I hadn't done my Halloween decorating yet. How fortuitous. Pajama day would be the perfect day to do it.
Mainly this is because although I love pajama day, I don't love sit around and do nothing day. It makes me feel sad and useless. Like a hotdog with no mustard.
So after my second cup of coffee I walked out to the kitchen declaring it Three Cups of Coffee morning with my cup held high above my head like a Viking. Again the cats didn't object, although one of them questioned me on whether or not Vikings held coffee cups over their heads.
Reaching up onto the shelf where I keep my coffee cups I noticed something barely moving on the countertop. I put my cup down and took a closer look AT WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE THE BIGGEST SPIDER I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
Just kidding. It was a tiny thing.
Normally I'd kill that spider no matter how tiny it was, but that day I didn't. I'd found a centipede in the bathroom a few nights earlier and figured I'd spare the spider, starve it out for a few days and hope that it would get hungry enough to eat a centipede 12 time its size should one wander past it.
I should mention that I killed the bathroom centipede. I killed it a lot. It was only little as well but that's no reason to not kill it a lot.
I should also mention the spider we are now speaking of is Edgar. Edgar my spider friend.
After the hullabaloo with Edgar, I stirred my coffee, tapped the spoon on the edge of the sink and made my way down to the basement. It isn't the prettiest basement but it has two advantages over pretty, finished basements; a) it's an entire floor where I can store things and b) it's so scary most kids would rather do anything than go down there. This makes for some very productive days when kids visit. As in "Would you like to clean the toilet, the weird gunk under the taps and the weird gunk in the eavestroughs ... or get me a single potato out of the basement?" 9 kids out of 10 choose the weird gunk. The other kid is still in the basement.
Even though it's a fairly big basement it's not quite big enough to accommodate all of my addictions. Between holiday decorations, power tools, scrap wood, seed starting lights, maple syrup equipment, silk screening junk and the stuff for various other hobbies and habits, there isn't much room for maneuvering. I found a spot on the workbench to set my coffee down while I started to move some things around so I could get to the shelves filled with my Halloween decorations. Other than a few wreaths and feather boas, everything is stored on shelves in Rubbermaid bins. That's on account of the great mouse incident of '98.
I put my hand up towards the top Rubbermaid bin, my fingers barely long enough to just grasp the edge of it. Standing high up on my toes, I was finally able to grip the top of the bin to pull it towards me. With a crunching sound my ring finger came down on something crispy. Figuring it was a leaf or piece of straw I didn't think anything of it.
I don't know why I was so stupid. I mean, you're not. You knew right away it wasn't a leaf or a piece of straw, didn't you? I on the other hand, had no idea.
Placing the bin down on the floor I could see a little scribble of something on the lid of the bin. I looked closer and then jumped way, way back when I realized what it was. What my finger had come down and squished on that Rubbermaid lid.
Would you like to save this stuff?
We'll email you this post, so you can refer to it later.
A 2 inch long, dried up centipede. And 3 of his friends.
I can't really describe the sound that came out of my mouth that day but if you really find it necessary to imagine it, I'd say imagine something between dry heaving and a snowblower.
I looked around desperately for Edgar but he was still upstairs and after a good 10 minutes of ageing, still just a baby. He couldn't help me. These centipedes looked like they were bred in a nuclear reactor, a proton pack wouldn't have helped me.
Thankfully for whatever reason they were dead, (being they were found in my scary basement all fingers point to dying of fright) but the centipede from the other day was proof they were some that were still alive, still breeding, and possibly mutants.
Also I had 3 centipede legs stuck to the tip of my ring finger, so there was that.
All of this added up to running out of the basement and cleaning the toilet instead that day. And the gutters and the gunk. Also I've been feeding Edgar regularly. Protein shakes mainly.
So that, is why this blogger didn't decorate for Halloween this year. And why she might not decorate for Christmas, Valentine's Day or Easter. And why she's likely to run out of maple syrup and screen printed tea towels in the next year or so.
Turns out the kids were right. That basement's a scary place. I'm sure in the next week or so I'll muster up the courage to go down there and clean things up. It's been a while since I've played around with my hazmat suit and valium anyway. It might be fun.
In the meantime, Edgar and I talked it over. How we can get the centipedes under control until he gets bigger. This was Edgar's suggestion.
Edgar's got a surprisingly agile sense of humour for a spider.
Happy Halloween everyone.
Mary Schnitzler
We were recently involved with Hurricane Irma, down here in sunny Florida. Fortunately we suffered no damage, either to ourselves or our home. We were without power for two days, and after two days of absolutely pitch black, candlelight looses its romance.
I also lost Karen on my iPad, and I miss my bawdy blogger! I’ve tried twice to get back on
“The list”, to no avail. Can something be done from your end? Never trust an Irma. They screw up your life!
Karen
Hi Mary. I'll check to see if you accidentally unsubscribed yourself. ~ karen!
Marna
Gross, hate spiders! In California where I grew up, it was hilly and full of tarantulas. In Arizona it was more the other types of critters that caused
problems. In Texas it has been various types of spiders getting in the house, especially wolf spiders, so gross, all of the spiders! I hate that any of them can get into anything they want to get in! Ick!
Marna
Forgot to tell you I love your costume! :)
Nancy W
On average, humans swallow seven spiders per year.
Susan Preston
Hey crazy lady! Don't centipedes eat spiders? ...yup! Keep those centipedes coming and watch out Edgar! You're on the endangered list!
Brenda
Yes what eats what ... going to google http://www.orkin.com/other/centipedes/what-eats-centipedes-and-millipedes/
Chickens eat centipedes Edgar would never save you Karen but your chickens will but you will need to teach them to fly so they can get the ones up high (or buy a flying chicken) or get a really sky high hopping frog
Karen
I know. That's the funny part. Spiders don't eat centipedes. ~ karen!
brenda
haha - and plus you killed Edgar's centipede already ... (I guess I got carried away ... and made about 5 comments because this is my first time reading this post) ... I imagine Edgar is pretty big by now and you two sit around in your costume on some days that aren't pj days, etc ... so cool - I just have fruit flies I'm trying to keep alive - thankfully they're spontaneous combusters and come back from nowhere when you miss awhile
dana
Cute post. Our storage containers are in the shed and mouse peepoo on the lids. I'm as scared of Edgar as I an all spiders. That means not one iota. I have a total indifference to them. Even if they're above my bed. I give them the once over, decide if it's a deadly or dangerous one, and decide if they get to live.
Kelly
I have been inspired to buy a viking helmet. I too raise my coffee cup, and declare a 'fill in the number' cup day. I will from now on consider myself a viking while I do it.
Karen
I knew my cats were wrong. ~ karen!
Andrea Claire
When we lived in Austin we had big hairy wild tarantulas - apparently they aren't the venomous kind there. Still... They ugly. (Meant that lack of grammar)
I was doing laundry and apparently a tarantula decided it was spa day, as I was pulling stuff out of the machine, a waterlogged tarantula was amongst the clothes - it was a load of darks so it was appropriate. I screamed and ran because I'm a girl. (Pre-Instagram, because otherwise I would have snapped, posted, then screamed and ran)
Sage's Austinite boyfriend was there and he refused to help. A teenage boy afraid of a spider... Well of course they had to break up (we also moved back to Singapore so there was that)
I did like any mature woman would do. Threw out the clothes and washing machine.
Karen
Did you try and save the spider's life? You know. Mouth to fang resuscitation or something? ~ karen!
Christie Thomas
Lol! Happy Halloween, Karen! Great story....great costume! Hope Edgar is well! ?
Meg
hahaha oh my god: "It’s been a while since I’ve played around with my hazmat suit and valium anyway."
Annnd that's why you have a literary agent now. Which I could not be more excited for! I think you are hilarious - and I'm just catching up on posts as I was away in early October :) congrats!
Rondina
Looks like someone snuck off to the dollar store. Or the dollar store has moved to your basement.
Jan in Waterdown
Got yer resend, thanks! I will be dressing up tonight as the "crazy lady who lives up the end of the street" in my purple afro wig, sexy leopard print top with long black tiered skirt, fluffy slippers, too much makeup and a cigarette . . . pretty much the way I always look . . .
Christy
"hullabaloo"
Everyone should use this word all day today in honor of Edgar the spider.
yvonne rosanne
Best Halloween story ever!
Cindy
The answer to basement critters is OZONE - and a timer plug. Zero bugs, zero mice, zero all stuff yucky. I have an old ozone machine but it's huge and noisy. I'm going to get me a little "bare bones" ozone generator so I can use my own, "quiet" fan. Ozone is my new best friend. I used to have an ionic air cleaner that broke and just pumped ozone all the time. I had it in the basement - where I rarely ventured - and lo and behold! Dead bugs EVERYwhere! I've been an ozone fan ever since!! Plus, it makes the basement smell thunderstorm fresh, no matter what, so BONUS!!
amanda
Pretty sure even my full grown, fat tarantula (can tarantulas be overweight? she's pretty well-fed) couldn't even eat a centipede. Good luck with those awful things!
Piddlewick
Love it! I am so having a Pajama Day. Soon. Real soon. (but without the basement) Thoroughly enoyed your post on many fronts. Thank you.
Rachel
Let him hit the sauce before, and he'll be hiccuping little brown jug all the way through a hurricane (bubbles and all!). Enjoy the day ahead!
Rachel
Happy Halloween Karen and housemate Edgar! Got a spider web waiting if Edgar needs a vacation! No protein shakes, just Rum.
Karen
I'll let him know. He's a bit of a nervous flyer though. ~ karen!
Nancy Blue Moon
OMG...I THINK I JUST PEED MY PANTIES...I HAVE THIS SUDDEN DESIRE TO STOMP ON YOU..SEVERAL TIMES...HAPPY HALLOWEEN GIRL!!!!
Kathi
Used my puffer a few nights ago. Screamed as I felt something wriggling in my mouth. I VERY quickly grabbed it out and threw it down. An earwig had crawled inside and made itself at home!!!! A thousand Ewwwww's!!!!! My family thought this was very amusing !!
Pam
EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! I just gagged a little.
Jan in Waterdown
Your family is/are slime . . .
You are lucky it didn't bite your tongue!! I had one bite me once on the back of my knee when it was briefly trapped there. Not a lasting pain but a nip none the less. You have my sincerest condolences and sympathy. I hate earwigs as much as centipedes. Tell your family from me that they are slime.