Edgar the Spider. A Halloween story.

This is the story of Edgar the Spider. A Halloween tale . Get under a blanket, turn the lights off and prepare to be afraid.

title

 

Sunday morning I woke up and declared it pajama day.  I did this out loud, to my cats, while sitting cross legged on the couch with my morning coffee.  Both cats gave their sign of approval by completely ignoring me.  Perfect.  Pajama day it was then.  For the next hour or so I flipped through the small stack of decorating magazines that had been growing on my coffee table since August.  By the time I got to the pumpkin heavy October issue of Country Living I realized I hadn’t done my Halloween decorating yet.  How fortuitous. Pajama day would be the perfect day to do it.

Mainly this is because although I love pajama day, I don’t love sit around and do nothing day.  It makes me feel sad and useless.  Like a hotdog with no mustard.

So after my second cup of coffee I walked out to the kitchen declaring it Three Cups of Coffee morning with my cup  held high above my head like a Viking.  Again the cats didn’t object, although one of them questioned me on whether or not Vikings held coffee cups over their heads.

Reaching up onto the shelf where I keep my coffee cups I noticed something barely moving on the countertop.  I put my cup down and took a closer look AT WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE THE BIGGEST SPIDER I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

Just kidding.  It was a tiny thing.

Normally I’d kill that spider no matter how tiny it was, but that day I didn’t.  I’d found a centipede in the bathroom a few nights earlier and figured I’d spare the spider, starve it out for a few days and hope that it would get hungry enough to eat a centipede 12 time its size should one wander past it.

I should mention that I killed the bathroom centipede.  I killed it a lot.  It was only little as well but that’s no reason to not kill it a lot.

I should also mention the spider we are now speaking of is Edgar.  Edgar my spider friend.

After the hullabaloo with Edgar, I stirred my coffee, tapped the spoon on the edge of the sink and made my way down to the basement.   It isn’t the prettiest basement but it has two advantages over pretty, finished basements; a) it’s an entire floor  where I can store things  and b) it’s so scary most kids would rather do anything than go down there.  This makes for some very productive days when kids visit.  As in “Would you like to clean the toilet,  the weird gunk under the taps and the weird gunk in the eavestroughs  … or get me a single potato out of the basement?”   9 kids out of 10 choose the weird gunk.  The other kid is still in the basement.

Even though it’s a fairly big basement it’s not quite big enough to accommodate all of my addictions.  Between holiday decorations, power tools, scrap wood, seed starting lights, maple syrup equipment, silk screening junk and the stuff for various other hobbies and habits, there isn’t much room for maneuvering.  I found a spot on the workbench to set my coffee down while I started to move some things around so I could get to the shelves filled with my Halloween decorations. Other than a few wreaths and feather boas, everything is stored on shelves in Rubbermaid bins.  That’s on account of the great mouse incident of ’98.

I put my hand up towards the top Rubbermaid bin, my fingers barely long enough to just grasp the edge of it.  Standing high up on my toes, I was finally able to grip the top of the bin to pull it towards me.  With a crunching sound my ring finger came down on something crispy.  Figuring it was a leaf or piece of straw I didn’t think anything of it.

I don’t know why I was so stupid.  I mean, you’re not.  You knew right away it wasn’t a leaf or a piece of straw, didn’t you?  I on the other hand, had no idea.

Placing the bin down on the floor I could see a little scribble of something on the lid of the bin.  I looked closer and then jumped way, way back when I realized what it was. What my finger had come down and squished on that Rubbermaid lid.

A 2 inch long, dried up centipede.  And 3 of his friends.

I can’t really describe the sound that came out of my mouth that day but if you really find it necessary to imagine it, I’d say imagine something between dry heaving and a snowblower.

I looked around desperately for Edgar but he was still upstairs and after a good 10 minutes of ageing, still just a baby.  He couldn’t help me. These centipedes looked like they were bred in a nuclear reactor, a proton pack wouldn’t have helped me.

Thankfully for whatever reason they were dead, (being they were found in my scary basement all fingers point to dying of fright) but the centipede from the other day was proof they were some that were still alive, still breeding, and possibly mutants.

Also I had 3 centipede legs stuck to the tip of my ring finger, so there was that.

All of this added up to running out of the basement and cleaning the toilet instead that day.  And the gutters and the gunk.  Also I’ve been feeding Edgar regularly.   Protein shakes mainly.

So that, is why this blogger didn’t decorate for Halloween this year.  And why she might not decorate for Christmas, Valentine’s Day or Easter.  And why she’s likely to run out of maple syrup and screen printed tea towels in the next year or so.

Turns out the kids were right.  That basement’s a scary place.  I’m sure in the next week or so I’ll muster up the courage to go down there and clean things up.  It’s been a while since I’ve played around with my hazmat suit and valium anyway.  It might be fun.

In the meantime, Edgar and I talked it over.  How we can get the centipedes under control until he gets bigger.  This was Edgar’s suggestion.

 

bad-spider-costume-2

 

Edgar’s got a surprisingly agile sense of humour for a spider.

Happy Halloween everyone.

Edgar the Spider.  A Halloween story.

108 Comments

  1. Marcia says:

    Our daughter is afraid of spiders and we always had to do spider patrol in her bedroom at our cabin in Northern Arizona. Her preference would have been to kill any spider we found, but I am a catch and release type of spider wrangler because, after all, this is their home too. I would have trapped Edgar in a cup, slid a piece of paper to cover the top, and taken him outside.

  2. Susan Burger says:

    Many years I drowned a huge spider with Raid spray. I was so creeped out I just left its corpse on the basement floor for my husband to dispose of when he got home from work. I was busy with my 5 kids so by the time he came home I had forgotten all about said spider. The next day when I went down to run a load of wash there he was and there was also a huge dead centipede. The furry leggy opportunist thing thought he’d found a free meal but found a poison apple instead. Now I was drawn in my the drama so I left the creepy dead bodies and by the end of the week there were three deceased centipedes and of course the huge creepy spider. That’s when I learned that centipedes dine on spiders….not the other way round. Warn Edgar.

  3. Marilyn Meagher says:

    🤣

  4. Petra says:

    In my mind, spider stories are totally appropriate for Halloween because…although like Shana I used to love and respect spiders for the good work they do in the eco scheme, I had an unfortunate encounter that changed me forever.
    After a day of garden cleanup (early fall) I had an itchy welt above my ankle. I had worn sandals and shorts (stupid girl) because it was warmish. In a couple of hours the welt was red and hot.
    Hubby examined it and declared he saw two micro fang marks. Yeesh.
    Long story short, I wound up with an infection that was like a 3rd degree burn and that required twice daily intravenous antibiotics for 10 days. (Fasciitis) Thought we were gonna lose the leg.
    Ugh. I just can’t think of a way to make the story funny except for the part about almost losing my mind when ‘experts’ kept telling me there are no venomous spiders in BC. Except maybe Black Widows…or maybe….but not likely… because they don’t cross the border….Brown Recluse…but they don’t make it north of California…
    But still…you should be kind to spiders and try not to kneel on them or whatever it was I did to offend.

  5. MJ Morrison says:

    I am here to say that a tropical centipede bite, even to the face will not kill you. It will ooze and itch and scab over like a potato chip and make people stare at you like you’re an an extra on “Night of the Living Dead”. Centipedes do not respect mosquito netting the way mosquitoes and fruit spiders do and will cause you to sleep with one eye open for the duration of your tropical vacation.

  6. Katie Hughes Murphy says:

    After stuffing the back of my car with brush and limbs for the recycling centre, I decided it was time to go, having had the detritus in there for 2 days. When I slid in the behind the steering wheel I noticed a funny looking vertical web from rear view mirror to wheel. Wiped that away, all the while looking at the rear view, waiting until “Charlotte” poked her head out, followed by a bulbous body. Freaked to the gills, I squeaked, clamped my jaws shut and grabbed the door handle ready to jump out, but not this time! I’m almost 67 and TIME TO GROW THE HELL UP! Using a mask I gently picked her up and set her in the peony by the drive. Just because something scares you, doesn’t mean that you have to kill it. SO Proud of myself! One less fear and I feel lighter! 🕷

  7. TucsonPatty says:

    Karen, I don’t have time to go back to work after 19 months (and counting) at home. I can’t! I’m much, MUCH too busy with all the posts to re-read plus all the comments that go with the post! You are a very funny lady, and I love Edgar!! All other creepy crawlers give me the Bernie jeebies, but I’m by myself here now, so it’s my shoe or tissue or jar plus postcard for the bee the other day. I haven’t found many creepies here in my house lately, because I have had Truly Nolen since the first minute I moved in here, 26 years ago! They truly are the best at getting rid of all the buggers! I am all in favor of chemical warfare! Happy Halloween!! 👻🎃

  8. Kat says:

    We had those wolfy spiders last place I worked.
    They use to chase me down the aisles while I was trying to work.
    I can only imagine what that looked like when they reviewed the security footage in the morning. LOL!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *