Our family used to have a cottage outside of a little town called Calabogie in Ontario. When I say cottage I mean shack. Not an estate, not a home away from home, not a house that happened to be situated on a lake. I mean a very small cabin that was probably built by the 4th little pig. The one who built his house out of cobwebs and farts.
The drive to the cottage was around 5 hours but that didn't bother me one bit. It was a simpler time when kids bounced around in the back of station wagons like tennis balls and the most popular booster seat on the market was a case of beer.
The cottage was dusty, dirty, and dangerous. There was no electricity, no water and no bathroom but there was one out of date Playboy calendar. Or as I believe they were called then - nudie calendars.
Back then a cottage was a place where parents could smoke, drink and send their kids into the probably murderer infested forest to hunt for anything to keep them occupied. Rocks, shells, and twigs were some of the things parents demanded we look for; allowing them valuable time for more smoking and drinking.
If you've been paying attention you'll have noticed that there was no drinking water at the cottage, and lots of beer.
What was there for a 4 year old Karen to drink? There was beer, dirty river water or the yellowing paper nipple of a faded Playmate. Those were my options after a hot day of eating Bugles and looking for sticks in the 1970's.
I knew I wasn't allowed to drink beer or the dirty water and I was pretty sure that nipple had long dried up.
Damnit I was thirsty, thought my 4 year old self. But since the adults around the cottage this particular day had also been quite thirsty, no one seemed to care or notice that the salty, crunchy, delicious corn chippy tasting Bugles had left me parched. In fact they probably didn't even notice that I existed.
The grown ups had more important things on their mind. Like arguing over who drank the booster seat.
In a miraculous turn of events I found myself a bottle of delicious Coca Cola and I drank it down. I drank all of it down.
Turns out it wasn't filled with Coke but instead with dirty old motor oil.
It also turns out I couldn't tell the difference between the taste of a bottle of Coke and dirty motor oil at that age. My palate has progressed significantly since then and I can almost always tell the difference between motor oil and Coke (unless it's in a marinade which always trips me up).
When everyone finally realized what I'd done, my grandfather, who was a dentist, jumped into action and grabbed himself another beer. The he sat on the porch, told everyone to zip it and relax. I'd be fine. Nothing to worry about.
I still don't know if it was because he was way smarter than everyone else, or just way drunker. Either way I lived through the ordeal with the only side effect being I crave Bugles every time I get an oil change.
The point of this is that eating one wrong thing isn't going to kill you. Unless it's Russian poison, in which case it definitely will.
Actually I think the real point is that our generation is tough. We are beer case booster seat, motor oil drinking tough.
Kids today cry when they can't find a phone charger.
Us? We got electrocuted every time we chewed a piece of gum with a bit of foil wrapper on it.
This latest generation might be technologically advanced and infinitely more mature than we were at the same age.
But they never would have survived a 1970's summer.
Have a good summer weekend and stay safe. But not too safe, because that never makes a good story.
Carolyn
LOL Our dining set in one of our first apartments consisted of 1 metal TV tray/table and 2 of those booster seats/chairs.
Ann Roberts
Am I missing something? I am not seeing any nutrient density list. Or mention of kale, Brussel sprout or any other veg.
As a kid I ate, by choice about a cup of salt. I just loved how it tasted. My parents hauled me to the hospital ER and they just made me drink a lot of water for the next several days. I never did that again
Susan
If you don't like kale or brussel sprouts you are over cooking them. Eating raw kale is not good for your thyroid. I think I worry to much about accidentally eating dangerous things but now I know I need to worry less, if motor oil won't kill you. I won't put that to the test though.
Karen
No. Honestly. Cross my heart. I just do not like brussels sprouts. The same way you might not like eating hair? Is the same way I don't like brussels sprouts. ~ karen!
Tricia
Brussels sprouts are the Devil’s vegetable born in the bowels of Hell!
TucsonPatty
I have not figured out a way to cook Brussels sprouts so that I love them, but once in a while I tolerate them. There is a fancy restaurant here in town, in The Arizona Inn, (built in 1928) that has seen lots of celebrities in its day, and they do have an awesome Brussels sprouts menu item: quartered small sprouts, roasted with Balsamic vinegar, olive oil, and tarragon, thyme, chives, basil, and parsley, garlic, and shallots, then served with goat cheese panna cotta. It really is to die for. I've never had such a great appetizer! The group of women that go there now joke about not having anything else but the Brussels sprouts.
P.S. When I was 4, I ate a bottle of baby aspirin (yeah, stomach pumped for that one), and then set the dry cleaner bag on the parent's door on fire, with two younger siblings in the bedroom and mom in the bathtub getting ready for a meeting in the cleaned up house. She obviously got us out, and the coffee meeting was canceled. I don't know how that happened because we didn't even have a telephone at that point. (1956) I remember she sent us out to get inside the station wagon and STAY THERE. That kept us all in one place. I remember only getting a long talk while sitting on the couch with my Mama, and I didn't even get beaten with the belt when Daddy came home. Good memories, yeah? When I grew up and heard the story a bunch more times and realized a fact I had missed all that time, I finally replaced the Mexican blanket she used to cover the flames to get us kids out of the bedroom. I also fell off a combine and hurt my chest enough I had to have surgery on it to remove this watery cyst that looked like I was growing a breast. Still 4 years old. OMG. Why didn't mom just shoot me? We just played out in the weeds and stomped them down to make a house of rooms, and made mud pies with the jar lids in the junk pile, shared the one bicycle amongst the 11 of us. It was a pretty awesome childhood and I'm glad I lived through it. So did the rest of us!
I loved this story so much, Karen. I didn't have a cabin or a lake or even trees in western Kansas, but we had a good time with lots of playmates.
Celia
My family had a cottage in Ontario as well. A one-room log cabin, hand-made by my great-grandfather. Shore of Lake Huron. Oh the memories! I love your column.
Karen
Thanks Celia! At my community garden there's a shed that smells exactly like our old cottage (two rooms! ). It smells like musty grass with a touch of gasoline. :) ~ karen!
kardan
If you are ever 3 years old, a handful of swallowed marbles are also totally safe. I remember playing "Hospital" and showing my dolls and stuffed animals how to take their "pills". I probably ate a dozen marble pills because my patients were so stupid. Then I got freaked out and told my Dad who was (go figure) drinking beer with his friend. His friend asked if I could breath, I said yes and that was the end of it.
Karen
LOL! That's fantastic! ~ karen
Sara
You and Karen are hilarious! I am also certifiably crazy... I ate an entire can of worms meant for fishing. My kids wouldn't even eat their dinner.
Debbie
at 4 I ate my teenaged sister's bug collection. A school project on a 2' x2' styrofoam sheet filled with dozens of dried bugs on pins. I put the pins back! used them like toothpicks! it was the 60's.
Karen
LOLOLOLOL!!! ~ karen!
Anne
I remember taking a blanket and a rope to make a tent "in the bush" and sleeping out in it. We could make a fire and roast potatoes which were always half done and not really that good! Our kids say they were fortunate to grow up in the 70's and early 80's. Any spare time was spent on their bikes or ponies gone for the day and enough kids that someone could go for help if really necessary. For b sprouts, boil until just done, a little butter and a spoonful of Seville orange marmalade and maybe some chopped toasted walnuts if they're handy. Num num.
Tom Roberts
Hey,Karen;
Did you know that you can use a corn chip as a candle? You can also use just one to start a fire. I learned that from watching Les Stroud. Survivor Man.
Tom.
Max Higgs
Did you know that if you mix Dr. Pepper with gin, it tastes like English Leather aftershave?
Feral Turtle
Who doesn't like a good drink of used motor oil. It helps those corn chips slide down a bit easier.
Mike
Ah, but the real question is are you a 10W30, 5W40 or just a plain 30 weight girl? Choosy oil drinkers need to know. Good reading again, Karen!
Dan
Karen, if you're ever up the Bruce Peninsula way, you need to stop in Neustadt at the brewery:
http://www.neustadtsprings.com/neustadtsprings/Neustadt_Springs_Brewery.html
Gypsy
I never was a fan of brussel sprouts until my daughter cooked them, now I love them! And no they probably aren't that healthy the way we like them. Cook some nice thick sliced bacon, then add onions & brown them, then add the brussel sprouts (we quarter them if they are larger, half them if smaller), some garlic, & our ever present Lawry's seasoning salt & Mmm, some real good eating!
We didn't have a cabin but grew up flipping, falling apart buildings they sold as houses. And we sure did live in them during all that remodeling. And about the time they got livable we sold it & started over in another shack! But we learned a lot, appreciated the things we had & also had some great fun along the way! I still laugh because my Mother didn't know how to swim & my Father often worked away from the farm but they sure let us kids go swimming in the creeks & river with just an inner tube & we lived on 160 acres so no amount of yelling for help would have done us any good since the river was at the back of the farm! And usually no adult anywhere near! I must say for all of the complaining (very quietly so we wouldn't get in trouble) we did about all of the work I am sure glad I know how to do so many things now because of all that work back then! I have more tools than most men & I love woodworking, re-modeling, refinishing furniture & reupholstering...all to my taste.....what a priceless gift!
Connie S.
Oh the memories! glad you survived cottage life Karen !
Our humble little cabin came complete with resident mice and the occasional bat! (Yuk) You'd think that would be enough to put our kids off cottaging- but no....Good times!
A radish scores 502 ! who would have thunk? I too thought they were only good for the salt . And seeing as the brussel sprout comes in at a respectable 490 I have a recipe to share with you Karen - So good it might even make a believer out of you ;) In a saucepan melt 1/4 cup butter or coconut oil. Stir in 1TBsp. of each: curry powder, brown sugar, and jerk seasoning or marinade OR TO TASTE (depends on how spicy you like it) and 2 cloves of minced garlic. Add 2 Lbs. cleaned and halved brussel sprouts. Simmer for 10 min or roast @ 375' 10- 12 minutes stirring occasionally.
( My kids - now young adults- still luv 'em.)
Debbie
Awesome column! I had to read this to hubby so we could both have a hearty, nutrient dense laugh.
Carolyne
Are these for cooked or raw veggies, or does it not matter.
Now, putting on grammar hat, "on the amount of calories they hold" should be "on the number of calories they hold"
Colin
But nothing about spelling the 70s with an apostrophe...?
gloria
This is some really good writing, Karen. So many great lines. Thanks for the laugh.
Dan
Sweet. Yellow and orange peppers beat out their green, good-for-nothing-miserable-excuse-of-a-vegetable cousin by nearly 50%. Life's too short to eat shitty vegetables. And while asparagus may be down the list, it has other benefits. Mostly of the olfactory sort when you pee a half hour later.
Nancy Blue Moon
OMG Karen..you must have been one tough kid..lol..if that happened today people would panic and be calling in a helicopter to fly you to the nearest hospital..the most exciting food thing I did as a kid was stick a peanut up my nose and I guess it kinda liked it there cause it didn't want to come back out..I think the big question here is ..where is motor oil on the Doctor's list??
Laura Bee
I remember sitting on a case of beer in the back of a pick up going down the back roads where I grew up. We had to take turns sitting on the wheel humps. :)
Thanks for the info through the laughter!.
Jennie Lee
I was pleasantly surprised to see you mention Dr. Fuhrman. I highly recommend his "nutritarian " diet, as set forth in his book "Eat to Live". His diet is, I think, the most scientifically sensible one around, and very simple. Using it, at the age of 60, I reached my weight goal of 125 for the first time in my life. I'd been dieting for over 42 years.
marcia
It's nice to know that something I actually like to eat is high up on that ANDI list. I'm off to wash a container of 182's, off the fruit list, for my afternoon nosh! Feeling healthier already. Thanks, Karen!
Elen @ Elen G
Hahaha. I like your conclusions. If you don't mind, I'll skip the motor oil cocktail. :-D