I went to a mall for the first time in 10 years. If you aren't familiar with malls, they're brightly lit retirement homes for chain stores.
Visiting hours can run anywhere from 12 to 14 hours a day, which they've timed out perfectly to allow you enough time to walk from the You are Here map to the other end of the mall in just 4 or 5 visits.
Don't be surprised if people at the other end of the mall are speaking a different language because it's entirely possible the mall is placed within several bordering countries because of its size.
If you're visiting the mall with your mother who wants a new chair, there will be lots to choose from, though most chairs will be occupied by people on their phones desperately searching how to find the exit in a mall.
How This Happened
I didn't consciously decide to not visit a mall for the past 10 years, I just haven't had a craving for torture even though the mall conveniently provides shoppers with competitive torture uniforms.
I'll admit that the invention of online shopping has made the mall experience a nostalgic one for me. I shop online and at local stores. Malls are places where people who haven't discovered the Internet go.
To keep up with technological trends some malls have incorporated TOUCH SCREEN MALL MAPS, which still only tell you that You Are Here but provide no understandable information about how to get to anywhere else.
The easiest way to find where you want to go in a mall is to ask someone carrying a bag from that particular store to point you in the right direction, unfortunately this only works if the person hasn't reentered the mall's black hole, time dilation area, where compasses and sense of direction melt. This is always no more than 5 steps from any store's exit.
This state of discombobulation might just be the case with Sherway Gardens, the mall I went to, which is laid out in a convenient figure 8 pattern with random, nonsensical blobs shooting off of it that definitely up and move at least once an hour.
For days we walked, probably in circles, and managed to find not a single chair that Betty thought was appropriate for her living room and budget.
I however, found a sofa that I loved because it's very easy to fall in love with things that aren't for sale. Ask any store owner what the most popular item in their store is and they'll always reply by holding up their personal travel mug or a stapler.
This is the sofa. Blue with mushy pea green piping and fringe. It looks like the kind of sofa the now deceased Queen would lay back and watch an episode of Ice Road Truckers on.
Table of Contents
Other interesting mall facts
A Pottery Barn candle is $175.
Clothing stores have their own coffee shops.
Betty will tell anyone, anytime whether or not she thinks they should buy what they're trying on.
What I bought
Yes of course I bought something. My choices were limited to my current funds so I could either walk out with a small candle from Pottery Barn or the sleeve of any jacket in Saks.
Ultimately I bought 3 articles of clothing. A pair of white jeans and a knit sleeveless shell from a store called Honey which is 2,000 square feet of froth, frill and boob tape.
I also bought this sweater which was my very first purchase from Saks Fifth Avenue.
This is what I bought because they do not sell coveralls or anything in heather grey at Saks.
Home
After several days, the 2 shopping bags are still sitting in my hall, their contents neatly folded and covered in tissue paper to protect them from dust and my closet.
Which currently looks like this.
I feel like mall clothes expect and deserve better. I had to show them I would protect and take care of them. This closet doesn't express that sentiment.
Proper housing isn't a concern when I buy my clothing from Costco or the grocery store.
If it makes it's way from me to the cashier via a conveyor belt, I know that article of clothing can take care of itself.
So I can't put my new purchases away until I clean out/reorganize my closet. Which I probably won't do until gardening season is over. Which means by the time I get around to providing a stable enough environment for my new dependants they'll have the permanent folds of a 1977 glove compartment map.
Which I could probably sell for a lot of money to a disoriented shopper in a Pottery Barn.
This article was worth the wait! 404 error was pissing me off! I laughed while wiping up coffee - conveyor belt clothes vs. tissue paper wrapped clothing... hilariously true!!
Yeah, it got accidentally published when it wasn't even written yet, lol. That was an administrative error on my part. ~ karen!
Sadly most clothes sold down here at "conveyer belt stores" would not survive the belt! We always carefully hand them to the cashier! So sad! Bring back quality clothes!
I avoid Sherway and (especially) Square One Shopping Malls with a passion! I do enjoy supporting the small local shops but of course a chair is tough to find. There are some awesome Mennonite furniture stores in Cambridge area that have very unique stuff. Good luck! Malls are good... for winter walking in the early morning!
and St. Jacobs, amazing for the Mennonite furniture, home goods, and don't forget the preserves and apple cider!
Oh, I miss the days of going to our big malls! I live in southern California and we had 3 within 7 miles of my home. So much stuff to look at, places to eat, splashing fountains, some kind of event; it was a great place to meet friends and hang out. I hope they do make a comeback; they were so much fun!
I go to the mall a lot. But I live in a small town in BC with simple rectangular malls with anchor shops like Canadian Tire or John's Independent Grocer (division of Superstore, or as I call it Stupidstore or Super Sore). I don't go in so much as I walk through it to get to the place I need to go. Even that's enough. The last big mall I went to was in Nanaimo's Woodgrove Centre. That was a thrill. I too looked at candles at one of those smelly stuff stores. All I needed to get to was Garage for one of my kids. We don't have any of those chain clothing stores where we live. Thank goodness!
I live within 5 minutes of Woodgrove which was a bonus to me when we moved here 23 years ago. Now I'm 23 years older and dread the thought when my visiting granddaughter wants to go to ....Garage!
Ah yes, lol. Garage clothing. Where they've removed the "b" from the word to trick us. ;) Kids LOVE it. ~ karen!
I think we are somehow related (since I relate to almost everything you say) and I am half Danish. Thanks for my laugh of the day.
I think the extended family of Danish, mall hating people is quite large. ~ karen!
Got to visit a mall in Cincinnati once. There were these cool human habitrails over the street connecting the hotel, mall, probably some other places. It was so neat! We felt like weird little hamsters, lol! (Followed dad on a business trip. So fun!)
Be wary of that furry thing hanging in the closet. It looks like it's just waiting to jump out and eat you. 😮
Nah. It was a raccoon in another life. So most likely more intertested in eating my chickens. ~ karen!
If,,,,if I was ever on The Red Carpet and was asked who I was wearing the reply would simply be Joe Fresh.
Yeah. That was my reply at the Elton John concert last year which was about as close to a red carpet as I've been lately. ~ karen!
I needed a dress last week for a Gala. I went to The Bay in a mall because it was Bay Days. I found a dress that I liked, it fit me (after a twenty-minute wait to get into a fitting room), it was very inexpensive and when I got to the cash and it was rung up, it was even less money, but the cashier couldn't get the security tag off of it. A guy from security came and took it to a back room where I heard banging noises. He came back and said I couldn't have the dress because it was now damaged. There was not another copy of that dress at any Bay store or online. I looked around for another hour but didn't find anything else I wanted. So I pulled a box out of my storage locker from pre-pandemic and found a dress I'd forgotten about.
What sort of mirrors are those?
OH! They're a triptych of mirrors. Very modern, they all hang on the wall side by side and create a jagged sculpture. ~ karen!
In one of the Chicago suburbs, there is a huge mall called Woodfield. It has an open plan and several levels and half-levels, which means that if you’re on Level 1A, you’ll be able to see the store that you want on Level 2B, but have no idea how to get there. I had to go to Target this morning (thankfully not in a mall), so I rewarded myself with a stop at Binny’s Beverage Depot. (Yes, that’s a real liquor store here in Illinois.)
We moved to Schaumburg in 1971 - the year that Woodfield mall opened. Then it was the neatest thing going - now, not so much. You're right - you can hardly figure out how to get where you want to be. We've since moved about 45 minutes from there, and LOVE it. No traffic hardly and close enough to all we need. Much less stress...
Back in 1973 we were often dropped off at Woodfield Mall for a few hours on a Friday night. We were 12 years old!!! I still give my parents grief for that. Lol!
Sherway!? If you are going to go to a mall, go to an awful one! The drive alone...
Glad you made it back!
Costco! It's my clothing store!!! Haven't been shopping at Sherway for years!! If I have to go to a mall, it's usually Mapleview!
I re-entered an enclosed mall myself this past week as I took a break in Twin Falls, Idaho, from a round trip drive from Boulder, Colorado, to Tacoma, Washington. That mall seemed to be thriving, contained all of the retail outlets I recall and the one I entered had lots of merchandise. I wish them luck. I think malls will be like vinyl. They'll make a comeback. P.S. You may be forced to go back and get that couch. What a beauty.
Omg! Me too! I just don’t “do” malls, not that I shop much online either. I think the Burlington Mall’s too big lol. Really just hate aimlessly schlepping around and having to go back to where I started just so I can find my car. Besides, I dress mostly in Costco stuff so there’s that.
hahah I love Sherway Gardens - it is my go-to mall - I live half-way between it and Sq. 1 - now that is a massive mall - 5 days of walking massive - and I hate it - won't go unless my girls force me to kicking and screaming .... but yes, while Sherway provides great indoor walking exercise and I have been going there my entire life - I still get bloody lost !!! Doesn't help they keep adding on to it!
I have seen malls used by older folks on inclement days for walking ……then following the 5,000 or so steps by a coffee at Auntie somebody’s coffee and pastry shop, negating the benefits of 5,000 steps by about 15,000 more!
But seriously, I have always enjoyed malls, unabashedly, for their convenience of being able to purchase a specialty screwdriver (sears, one anchor) with new Vanity Fair undies (Macy’s). Now, they are indeed retirement homes for chains, or maybe even assisted living. Macy’s looks like a permanent bargain basement (not that much bargain tho) with clothing I’d not purchase for my neighbor’s dog! (The one I don’t like)
So, here in the states, we’re repurposing these behemoths with housing. Maybe it will revitalize them - put in a public library and gym, children’s play event space, and some nice bakeries and coffee houses and it could be a great way to get the family to visit granny in her independent living apartment at the former Sears!!!
I’m with Betty. I always offer my two cents worth about what people are trying on. God knows you can’t trust the salespeople.
City malls must be different than outta city malls I guess. Ours is nowhere near that massive. It's shaped like an "X" (or cross) with the major stores (before they closed anyhow) at each "end." That'd be Sears, JCPenney's, Macy's, & Rich's. I think the Macy's might still be there. Not certain, haven't been in years. All the "smaller" stores are located along the "arms" of the cross/ X. No pottery barn and no coffee shops in the stores. I don't think there's even a coffee shop in the food court come to think of it! There IS a carousel. Only occasionally hear about shootings down there... Before the stupid gluten issue, I used to get the best fried rice and some kind of noodles there. I miss that. And those. Two meats and a large side of rice or noodles, two meals out of one box. Mmmm!
Are you from Atlanta? I miss the lightning of Rich's tree downtown and riding the Pink Pig even after i was clearly 5'8" and should've been considered "too big". The world just hasn't been the same.
Just south of! They've been lighting that tree so soon now, before Thanksgiving even!, that I've missed that the last few years, at least. Heard of the pink pig but never seen it! Anything like the flying pigs in Cincinnati? Saw those once. Then realized I had no film in my camera! 😔 So sad! (Never got past 5'2, maybe I still qualify? Lol 😁)
Hey, malls aren't all bad. Here in Chicago they offer the local feral children a place wherein they can run amok and shoplift under one convenient roof.
Ahh yes--the old head-lice paradise. I remember it well