Exactly 3 years ago today I was huddled in a closet wondering why this wasn't a thing. Why more people didn't huddle in closets. That's where my sisters found me several hours after the fella ran away from home. He literally ran away from home, like a child, or a caged bird, or a 6' 3" doucheyishbag. (at the time I would have referred to him as a douchebag, but now ... meh ... whatever, doucheyish is fine) He tells people he's 6' 4" for some reason which is a lie, by the way. He's 6' 3". So, basically a munchkin pygmy.
He left, I broke down, and immediately made my closet floor my new best friend. I walked straight in there, shut the door and laid down for what I assumed would be the next 4 years or so. I should mention it isn't really a walk in closet, let alone a lay down closet. More the kind of closet you'd find in a house where you'd say "Oh my GOD, this is all the closet space there is??" and then you'd storm out of the open house and complain to your realtor.
My sisters got wind that after 11 years, the fella had gone on permanent walkabout so they rushed over to see if I was O.K. Me? O.K? Yup. I'm good. I'm in a closet. Why people reserved this sort of indulgence for natural disasters and World Wars was beyond me. Huddling in a closet was GREAT.
Thinking back on it I feel kind of bad for my sisters, opening the closet door to see me on the tile floor with the imprint of a knock-off Chanel bootie on my forehead.
For some reason this really alarmed them.
I'm not sure why because I know for a fact they both own closets and have both been in their own closets. I was just being in mine a little bit longer than normal. Plus I was on the ground. Plus the door was closed. Plus my hair was all crazy messy from rubbing against the sleeves of a velvet jacket I had in there. Also, I may have wrapped a tunic from the late 1990's around part of my head like a turban for some reason. I liked it in there. It was great. There was no sound and no light. My own private sensory deprivation chamber. Perfect. In 4 years time I'd reemerge, with luxuriously long hair, beautifully pale skin and no memory of whats-his-name.
I was really excited about this plan because for the life of me I couldn't see a single flaw with it.
So why they insisted I get out of the closet I still don't know. At first they tried to drag me out which I can tell you right now I was not impressed with. They weren't successful of course, because the piles of shoes surrounding me were acting like speed bumps plus my hair was a little bit velcroed to the velvet jacket. But they didn't give up. They really wanted me out. Suddenly laying in the closet with my tunic/turban amongst a pile of wire hangers with shoe prints on my face seemed almost humiliating. I mean, just moments before I was thinking I could maybe market my closet chamber, for long term financial gain if I could just get one of the Shark Tank people involved. And now my sisters were acting like it was crazy. Like I was crazy. They were getting seriously close to being on my doucheyishbag list.
Then the one sister yelled at the other sister for trying to drag me out of the closet and they started sort of windmill slapping at each other, at which point I burrowed deeper into the shoes.
I eventually came out just to shut them up. Plus my one sister had brought yogurt and honey because she figured I might need sustenance. Having your spouse up and leave without warning immediately makes people around you think you'll no longer be able to feed yourself beyond eating your own hair. So they bring food, the same way they would if there was a death in the family. It was a sudden and surprising "death" at that by the way. Where you have no warning and aren't expecting to be hurt at all. Like a heart attack, or being trampled to death by a herd of kittens.
I was out of the closet, I ate yogurt and honey, and I reluctantly took my super-cool, protective turban off. They still weren't happy. They wouldn't leave. I asked them to please leave. I begged them to leave. I just wanted to be alone with my shoes, my snotty face and my super-plausible Shark Tank fantasy. I guess they thought GO AWAY was "just-been-dumped code" for please don't leave, because instead of packing up their stuff and heading out the door they started cleaning my house. Everything. All of it. Like Molly Maids with a never-ending supply of tee shirt rags, wood polish and cocaine.
My sensory deprivation chamber was now replaced with the sound of ripping paper towels and my one sister screaming at the fella on the phone from downstairs. Which I liked of course. She was giving him shit. His life would be shit, he treated me like shit, he was just a big pile of 6'3" shit. That part was awesome.
But once she was done yelling at him, it was back to the sounds of the Windex bottle and squeaking on glass. I was up in my bedroom, wondering how to spin the phrase "My sisters are cleaning my house against my will." into "I think I'm the victim of a very dangerous home invasion, OMG ARE THOSE GUNSHOTS?!!!" for the fine folks at 911, when I heard nothing. Silence.
They were gone.
WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Nope. No they weren't. They were just looking for the vacuum. I hated my sisters and wished them ill.
Of course now, 3 years later I know they were just worried about me and wanted to make sure I was O.K. I mean they went about it in completely the wrong way. What they should have done was taken one look at my awesome closet sensory/deprivation chamber, called a patent lawyer and secured a really cool domain name. I'd make millions, get a genuinely 6'4" French boyfriend who, in some type of heroic act had tragically lost all appendages that would allow him to ever run away and I would live happilyish ever after. But they didn't. They dragged and cooked and cleaned with all those squeezy bottles under my sink which I now realize I should have re-labelled when I refilled them all with plant fungus killer 2 years earlier.
Like it wasn't enough I'd been dumped, now if I died of a broken heart in my sleep no one would be saying "Oh how tragic, what a love story, look how beautiful she looks even with a flip flop on her head". They'd say, "Geez, no wonder he left. Have you see how smudgy her windows are?" The best I could hope for was that someone would notice there was no fungus on them.
So to everyone who has gone through, is going through, might go through a major breakup. Don't worry. In a few years, probably even less, you too will come out of the closet completely and totally gay (as in happy).
Honestly. You'll be happy. Probably even happier than before.
I for one can tell you with all honestly that I'm 100% happier than a pygmy in shit.
jainegayer
Ahhhhhh, Karen. I have a need to share my story with you.
I started reading your blog after my husband died. You were soooooo funny. You made the coffee come out of my nose most mornings before I went off to my classroom. I had to buy a protective skin for my keyboard so I didn't ruin my computer. I really needed to laugh. You wrote about the frozen yogurt vaginal popsicle, the only "correct" pies, sex versus "relations." And then the news that you wouldn't be posting for awhile because the fella had left and you needed to take some time. You made me cry too. I cried over Cuddles and I cried when you told us the fella's name. Life goes on and I thank you for sharing all the good and not so good parts of your life with your readers. You simply ROCK!!
Karen
I'm so sorry about your husband Jaine. That's awful! I'm glad my frozen vagina was able to put a smile on your face, lol. ~ karen!
jainegayer
you made me laugh for days
awesomesauciness
Every time my oldest daughter has something horrible happen, she locks herself into her closet and usually calls me.
I've never tried the closet thing, and honestly pray I never have to, but my mother's recent unexpected death and the huge family/financial mess she left has me eyeing that door.
Bonnie
Karen, Thank you for sharing.....When I finally had the courage to split with my ex it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I moved across the country, never having been there before, found a job, and a went about building a wonderful new life. Now, a dozen years later, I have the world's sweetest, kindest boyfriend who cherishes me. If I knew men like him existed, I wouldn't have tried so hard to satisfy an egotistical, mean spirited, sexless couch potato for almost 30 years. Life is too short to have regrets, just be glad you are free of that dead weight. And, all the better if it happens that you find that special someone who makes you feel cherished, too. My motto "Live the life you have imagined" guides me through each day and living well really is the best reward, not revenge.
NinaMargoJune
Unfortunately the beauty in "good-bye" doesn't reveal itself until the wound heals over. I found that shouting "Get the F--- Out" was truly satisfying. Continued to lick my wounds until they didn't need licking anymore. Cliche but true: "You can't get over it until you get through it."
Karen, thanks for baring your soul and pain. Beautifully written and illustrated. Your picture captured your pain. Can't help feeling how therapeutic writing this column and sharing it with us, your loyal, loving, readers has been for you.
Nancy Blue Moon
I will never forget old what's his name..lol..
Emma
Karen, thank you for sharing. You rock as usual and we all heart you HUGE! !
I am thinking three years is about right for me too...not from a boy but from another loss..
for me another type of loss, but I felt I was coming out of it/not in total horribleness after 2 years and around 3 years I could think about my sister without sobbing. 9.5 years now and the loss and pain does not leave, just changes.
I know you will continue in your awesomeness and find a REAL MAN to love you and cherish you as you so deserve...if you have not already. :)) XOXO
Carol
Brave of you to share your story Karen - I think it's important to do so. Women need to know that these unexpected chapters can be written from one voice. And it can be the most powerful and empowering chapter at that. I went through the same roller coaster, err, closet shut-in ride as you did. At the same time. Cried the same tears. Shut the same closet door. But did not eat yogourt (only cuz I'm lactose intolerant).
In hindsight, the life I led back then was a shadow of what I'm living now. My ex was a controlling, oppressive man - which he managed with beautiful subtlety. It took me years to realize the damage he was doing to my soul. Once out of my haze (it took the threat of his raised fist for me to snap out of it), we agreed to split up. My closeted tears came before the break-up but afterwards... Birds sang, rainbows followed me everywhere, unicorns pranced before me. I know you know the feeling.
I'm single as single can be and I realize it's actually a great thing. I've taken my life back and have accomplished more in these last 3 years than the decades before combined. I'm grateful to be on my own, raising my children to be kind and empathetic beings, and setting goals that feed my soul but are also making this crazy world a little bit better.
Here's to the chapters that we write ourselves. Don't stop sharing your words Karen!
Melissa Leach
I am so proud of you Karen. Thanks for sharing your story, we aren't alone and that makes us all stronger. You are amazing!
Michelle
The inch lie seems to scream insecurity. I am probably wrong but if he could not be happy at 6'3" then what else was bothering him? He is probably a good person but maybe your strength, intelligence and beauty made him insecure? So he could never match up to you. Glad you don't waste time wishing him trouble, because your own success is the best revenge. Thanks for the message it works for other troubles in life too.
Jane
Thank you Karen. -laughs a bit ruefully- I was expecting a proposal tomorrow, on my birthday. Instead my BF of two years dumped me last night-- in the middle of finals week.
Why? I'm a writer: brand name matters. And so I had the audacity to want to hyphenate my name, rather than simply replacing it with his, post marriage. Unacceptable! He was leaving.
-shakes head- Writer, but I've no words for that. Well, no gracious ones anyway.
Noreen McKechnie
Thank goodness he left. What a huge pile of shittyness. Only use his name! what part of his inadequate anatomy is he thinking with.
Jane
Noreen, thank you-- I'm sitting outside the classroom, and you made me laugh aloud-- admittedly all the stressed out students kinda glared at me, but totally worth it!
Darlene
Odd you write this - I was thinking about you yesterday, wondering how you were doing?
I guess I just remember how sad you were at that time.
I am very happy you are BETTER!!!
Jenifer
The Closet Chamber is pure genius! Instead, I wrapped myself in homemade Mac and Cheese and red wine for a year. Yogurt as comfort food?? If only. :)
Rose
I remember when that happened and how hard it was reading about it, can't imagine living through it. The Fella and you seemed to match up so perfectly. Part of the shocking brutality was that he left so suddenly, for no apparent reason. Samuel Beckett wrote, "I can't go on. I'll go on." You went on in high style and so glad you made it to the other side!
Karen
We were perfectly matched Rose. :) I'm sure he'd tell you the same. In fact I know he would. But yes. I went on. And I will never go backwards. ;) ~ karen!
Chavella Thomas
After I lost 210 pounds (him) years ago, I vowed to live to be 115 years old. I will be murdered by a jealous lover and my boyfriend will be so upset, he will have to drop out of college. We knew you would make it. You had better keep an eye on that french boyfriend, I'll be around a long time. :-)
Karen
Ha! LOL. ~ karen!
Andrea
Wait. That was supposed to be my life! ?
Ellen
It's a short story and was a short marriage (what was I thinking?). I very happily moved out. Friend said "someday it will just be a blip on your radar screen". Years pass and I'm having dinner in some restaurant....a guy grabs me and says "give me a hug". I back away, look at him and say in my head "omg that's what's his name". I COULD NOT remember his name!!!
As the years pass, I am happier and happier, and for the life of me do not know why men and women hook up. My pendulum swung from thinking I need someone to WHY? WHAT FOR?.
Linda in Illinois
I agree with you Ellen, Why do I need a man who I have to clean up after like he is three years old.. and What for?? I could find no good reason to believe I wouldn't be better off without that stupid lazy idiot who only wanted a mother figure. I hurt when he left but was joyfully happy when it was done. When he showed up again months later to get his "stuff" i said there was none of his "stuff" here any longer, I burnt it all on a lovely summer night sitting under the stars with nature and God by my side... lol Priceless
Kim from Milwaukee
'Burnt it all on a lovely summer night'....that's beautiful, Linda! Would have loved to see his face when you said that!
marilyn
wow...i almost feel bad for being married to the most wonderful man for 34 years and being ridiculously happy! he makes me feel cherished and loved every day..things happen for a reason..it was part of your journey Karen and look where you are now.better than ever! even with a flip flop on your head.lol xo
Angel
As someone that has been teetering on separating for the last year, this brought tears to my eyes. And hope. That whatever happens, I will be ok. Thank you for sharing.
Karen
Just think. If you'd bit the bullet and separated a year ago you'd be through much of the pain already. If it needs to be done, it needs to be done. No matter when it happens it'll be awful, but at least it will be over and done with. :/ ~ karen!
Sandra
So, so true. I kept "hanging on", and all I did was have a couple more kids to "hang on" for. What a waste of time.
danni
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I won't even indulge myself by listing all the bad luck stories, all that matters is that I am strong and happy and not depending on anyone else to make me so. When you have to work so hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel, you earn the right to just sit in your hammock and get a tan!
kari
love this: When you have to work so hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel, you earn the right to just sit in your hammock and get a tan!
Laura Ingalls Gunn
I loved this post. For some strange reason it made me think of the Velveteen Rabbit.
“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.”
― Margery Williams
You are real....and beautiful.
And for the millionth time I wished I wasn't an only child.
Happy Monday.
Jenifer
I love this...what a fantastic quote in this light!!
Karen
Great, great quote Laura. :) thx. ~ karen!
Barbie
DITTO
Eileen
Cocooning in a closet sounds like a very reasonable thing to do under those circumstances. You have certainly come out the other side of that nightmare with Mr. 6'3". Good for you.