Sometimes I go through my posts and come across one that even makes me laugh. This is one such post. I also thought it would be a good way to introduce some of my newer followers to what I went through 8 years ago. Spoiler alert: it was a breakup. Double spoiler alert: I've never been happier and if you're going through a breakup, believe it or not, you have incredible happiness to look forward to.
originally published in 2013, 3 months after the very sudden end of a 10 year relationship
Idris Elba
Age: 40
Occupation: Actor
Dear Idris,
I don't know if you've heard or not, you probably have, but the fella and I have broken up.
So I figure now is the perfect time for you and I to pursue our relationship further (beyond me watching you on The Wire and thinking ... yeah ... I could probably have a really good relationship with a mid level drug dealer).
I appreciate the fact that you look manlier than I do. That's kind of a prerequisite. Even a feminist gal likes to feel like the gal. And since I'm often covered in dirt and wielding a power tool someone like Justin Bieber, for instance, just wouldn't do. Also he's too young. Also I just couldn't be with someone who, according to past photos, kept losing his shirt until about the age of 24. How upset little Justin must have been that he kept losing his shirts. If I were him I'd have questioned my laundry service.
Johnny Depp was on the list for a while because he's a bit of a weirdo and that appeals to me, but he's prettier than I am so that's no good.
Gordon Ramsay was also on the list because he's manly but he can also cook. Plus he makes a decent living. Then I realized I'd never be able to cook anything for him, for fear of being called a f*cking donkey and having all my pots thrown at my head. Also I have no idea how to make Beef Wellington.
So Idris, it looks like you're it. You're handsome and manly and you have a good sense of humour. I actually have no idea about your sense of humour but I'm going with the fact that you have a wildly terrific sense of humour. You crack me up. Heh. We'll be so happy together. I've heard rumours you might be the next James Bond so then I can call you James, which will be a blessing, because I'm not entirely sure of how to pronounce your name. First or last.
I know this would be a long distance relationship, what with you living somewhere else. Where is it you live? I think it might be England. I've always wanted to visit England! The Union Jack is my favourite flag. We can go for curries and visit the English countryside. We will walk dogs. You will smoke a pipe and I will acquire an English accent by day 3 of my visit just like Madonna did. We will have such fun walking along stone walls and picking daisies. If you have time. You're probably busy. I bet you don't visit the countryside at all. It's always work, work, work with you.
Oh yes, I'm sure my moving to England would make things a lot easier for you. Well you can forget that Mr. Controlling. Do you have any idea how small the bags of chips are there compared to here? And by chips I mean CHIPS not french fries. See? There's that too. Oh God. There's going to be such a language barrier between us.
There is the redeeming fact that chickens outnumber humans in England, but it just isn't enough to put up with your nonsense.
And just so you know, having a British accent doesn't automatically make you charming. You wanna know what's charming? YOU deciding what to have for dinner one night for a change. You don't even have to MAKE IT. Just come up with the idea. THAT'S CHARMING.
And you can think again if you assume I'm picking out your mother's Christmas present. It's your family and YOU can deal with picking out and buying their presents. She's not MY mother!!! I have enough family members of my own to buy for let alone having to remember to buy your niece a grade 8 graduation present.
It's always me, me, ME doing everything. It's exhausting. You really should be a bit more considerate of my time and feelings. No, I'm not a big time movie star like you, but you know what? I HAVE CHICKENS. YOU THINK CHICKENS RAISE THEMSELVES? Plus I have a certain schedule I like to adhere to when it comes to eating and television watching and I can just tell you're not going to be the least bit accommodating. Because you're selfish.
And I'm not entirely positive, but I think you probably snore. You look like a snorer. A loud one. Do you have any idea how nice it is to have an entire bed to yourself with nothing sweating, farting or snoring beside you? Well I do, and let me tell you it's NICE. You're such a jackass. You really are starting to bug me.
You think I don't have my own life to live? Well I'm putting a stop to this right now. You've become way too demanding over the past few daydreams. I installed my own central vac. I'm independent. And handy. Plus I know how to spell most of my name in sign language. I'm a catch. You need me more than I need you. In fact without me you'll probably move back in with your mother. So needy.
And I'm sick of it. You're suffocating me here. Honestly. Just back OFF.
We gave it a good try but this just isn't going to work out.
Sincerely,
p.s. Do you have Daniel Craig's email address? Thanks in advance.
→Follow me on Instagram where I often make a fool of myself←
Nicole2
You go girl!!!!!
Nan Tee
Yay! Karen's back to brighten my inbox! I have missed you so much and laughed til cereal almost came through my nose. Let us all know how it works out with Daniel. Waiting on tenterhooks... :)
shawna
welcome back! Oh how I have missed your sense of humour!
Elaine
Welcome back. He would make a nice change for Bond.
Nancy
Welcome back! So glad to see you have retained your sense of humour :)
Wendy
HELL Yeah! Missed you too... now go build something!
Lu
Haaaaaaa! You did well, he was going to be a NIGHTMARE!! Hope i am smelling correctly cant see throught the tears and stuff, so glad you're back x
Lynn
A great laugh this Monday morning. Welcome back, Karen! :)
RosieW
Just say what was new in my inbox. First, let out a n audible gasp, then yelled YAY.
My mantra: "It would take a hell of a man to replace no man."
Continue with the healing, gal,
Rosie
Karen Duke
I have thought about you EVERY day! I was playing with my chickens (which I got because you got me so excited that I HAD to have them) and thought "It's August, where IS Karen?" So I'm sending you a big hug to say thank you for coming back! Please do not get an ostrich and tell us all how wonderfully funny and charming they are.
Barbara H.
Another delurker signing in. Welcome back!!!!
Neil
Sorry to hear about your second break up, so soon after the last. Bad luck.
Just a few things....
The English flag is not the union jack, it is the cross of St George. The union flag is the British flag.
There is no such thing as an English accent, that would be like saying an I'd like an American accent, after all you cannot tell a Texans and a Californian apart can you?
Chips? Americans love to rename stuff... The English invention 'crisps', so called because they are crispy. Americans, for reasons known only to themselves decided to change crisps to chips and then unnecessarily add the word potato to the beginning, only to remove it again colloquially at a later date.
Chips are also made of potato but are not French or freedom fries. Chips, usually served with battered fish are slices of fresh potato deep fried in oil or animal fat. French fries are tiny imitation chips made with plastic and animal turd I think.
Sorry if you are Canadian, I can't tell you apart. :-)
*Disclaimer for the uptight reader - although true, this is intended to be a light hearted response.
Extra smiley for emphasis - :-)
Kat
Hahaha Neil that was hilarious I am glad Karen is back just so I was able to read your comment.
Sara
Insight from a Texan, with a Texas accent when it proves useful, the best chips are not made from potatoes. They are made from tortillas and are accompanied by salsa and a margarita. :)
Marty
glad you clarified at the end I was starting to think you were being a jerk.
Bill
The UK flag is also known as the Union Jack and has been since before any of us were born. The Royal Family even refers to it as such on their website.
First sentence on royal.uk’s page on the flag:
“The Union Flag, or Union Jack, is the national flag of the United Kingdom.”
Neil
Yes.
Adrienne
Well done, as always. Onward and upward!
Debbie J
And, I'd bet that Idris would be the type to always blame you for any thing that would go wrong. Welcome back Karen!
jenny
Welcome back, so good to have you back
nycRed714
Hysterical!
Mary
Welcome back Karen.
Just want to say how sorry I am that your heart got broken.
Karen
Thank you Mary. Me too. It's horrid. But it's definitely getting better. Time off quickened the healing. ~ karen!
Amie Mason
Welcome back! You should watch Luther... Mr Elba, I'm having you for dinner! Yummo. xx
Karen
LOVE Luther. Great show. ~ karen!
Jennifer
This. Was. Perfection. Been thinking about you so much...which seems almost weird considering it's someone I don't really "know" ...know what I mean? ;) I worry about your little garden...and your chicken coop...and your reno...I hope you are able to stay there...if that's what you want. I know you will be fine...but I do worry a bit. xo
Karen
Hi Jennifer - Don't you worry about me. I bought this house myself 16 years ago and I'll finish off paying the mortgage myself. Not too much longer now. :) This is one of those times where it pays off to be really good with money. ~ karen!
Jennifer
OK...this made me so happy....I teared up a bit. I should have known better than to worry....so happy to hear this. Hear, hear to smart, independent women! xo
Dagmar
Dear Karen,
Missed you so much. So glad that you're back. Your blogs are so amazing. You are one tough lady-cookie. ...and now, good for you: you've gone over the dreaded first re-bound. No really, so happy to have you back. :0) Dagmar