How to eat corn on the cob so you don't give the impression you're a tiny bit psychotic. 'Cause yes, you could actually be eating your corn in a way that gives people the wrong (or maybe right) impression of you. Like you didn't have enough to worry about in life.
You're at a family BBQ or street festival and you innocently pick up a piece of corn on the cob to eat. Raising it towards your mouth, butter dripping from your wrist to your elbow, you take your first satisfying bite.
So far so good. You're on track. But be careful because curious eyes are on you the moment you start your second bite. Everyone is watching to see what you do next.
You of course don't notice because you're busy concentrating on the sweet bursts of flavour, the satisfying crunch, the pillowcase sized piece of corn wedged firmly between two molars.
Will your next bite take you ...
Straight across the cob in a line?
Or around it in circles?
For this you will be judged. It's a well-known fact that how you eat your corn is the best way to tell if you're demented.
Table of Contents
Eating corn across the long way
If you eat your cob straight across like a typewriter chances are you're pretty stable. You fold your clothes when you put them away, own a Golden Retriever and can generally be counted on to pick your spouse up from the airport on time without challenging anyone in the parking lot to a cage match.
You're eating corn the right way. The way almost everyone eats corn.
Anyone around who's watching you can relax and enjoy their day.
Eating corn in a circular pattern
If, on your next bite, you choose to start going in circles, you've got trouble.
If you eat your corn around the cob in circles it's a clear indication you could go rogue at any minute. You're a hippie, a wild child, maybe even an artist. You're basically immoral and everyone watching you knows it. YOU have parking tickets. Unpaid parking tickets. And you probably drank kombucha when everyone still thought it was a poisonous alien life form.
But you're not a complete lunatic.
Eating corn like a lunatic
Those are even easier to spot. Those are the peckers. The people who randomly lift the cob of corn to the general direction of their face and wherever their mouth meets the cob, they bite.
If you eat your corn in a non-sensical pattern, you're giving a warning sign to everyone around you. One bite here, one bite there, another bite over on the other side until your corn on the cob looks like it has meth mouth.
Once anyone at the BBQ sees you eating your corn like this, you might as well get your fill of everything within arm's reach. Pack smoked ribs into your purse, dump a potato salad into your pants ... whatever you need to do, because you're not going to be invited to another grilling get together ever.
I eat my corn straight across like a typewriter. I know you were wondering. And I'm wondering about you.
HOW do you eat your corn? This is an informal poll and the information will not be held against you in a court of law. Just the court of public opinion.
Probably. But honestly, who knows these days.
Arlene Hogan
my husband eats across, but doesn't stop to chew or swallow until he gets to the end..is that normal? It makes me sick.
Karen
LOLOL! That "It makes me sick." made me genuinely laugh out loud. I'll have to pay attention to that little quirk when watching other people eat corn now. ~ karen!
Laurie Sandall
Two things: What about folks who prefer to cut it off the cob so they don't have to touch their food without a fork?
And my hubs doesn't come up for air when he eats off the cob....it is very scary!
Joi Lin Olsen
Round and round, first around one end, then the other. Conveniently makes handles, if none are provided, for enjoying the rest of the cob, and plus, I like the symmetry. Perhaps I AM an artist....
Teddee Grace
Loved the post...and the responses! Count me in as a typewriter eater! I'd be curious about the butter prep and application, however. My family members always put a glob of butter on the plate, sprinkled it with salt and pepper, mixed it well and then spread some all the way across the topmost row of kernels, ate that corn, then spread more seasoned butter on the next set of rows, etc.
Tracy
I eat mine in a circle and always starting from the left side working to the right. I have seen both styles, the most interesting one thou was someone who picked the corn off the cob with a fork and then proceeded to eat it off the plate. Needless, to say, “I was mesmerized by this with a gapping mouth”. I am a designer and somewhat unpredictable. Don’t leave me in a line up for too long, I will get bored and cause problems, or entertainment for the others in the line up!
Marilyn Meagher
Wow ! Who would have thought that so many people are so into how we eat our corn. Hilarious. I am Willy nilly..usually around and around bit them maybe some bites straight ..whatever mood I’m in.
Sarah
Truth.
My 4 year old is a pecker. Nobody wants to mess with her! Heck, she's not invited back to my house for dinner until she's at least 5. Girl's got attitude, opinions and sass.
Okay, and it's back to reality now. Where she's next to me almost every second of every day.......
Barbara
Typewriter but right to left!
Jan in Waterdown
A hundred corn comments? Good golly miss molly! So either that pic of you is from last year or you gots your hair cut?
You headin’ to Christie tomorrow?
Oh yeah, typewriter left to right and I used to count the rows to make sure it was all done evenly. Back in my OCD days.
Tricia Rose
I eat my corn like a starveling, typewritering first, then going back over it to get all the tiny nibs which harbour the best nutrients, so I'm told. My cobs are picked clean as a whistle, and without butter. I think I was impressed by stories of the starving children in Switzerland (yes, long, long ago, before the starving children in China).
Mary W
I didn't know round and round was a thing. I do go round for two bites them across. Then two bites around that end then back across. Overly weird, now that I think about it. I just didn't want to miss the butter but I have learned something new - around and around will alleviate that butter drippage considerably. Will try next time.
Jeanne Draachreider
I grew corn for the first time in my life this year. I had about 60 or 70 stalks, way too much for just me and my hubby, but my adult kids love corn. They came and picked, and had a huge corn feed. I wasn't there but how I wish I'd seen this article first, I would have showed up and taken videos of how everyone ate their corn. It was a big feed too, including all the extended family and in-laws. Could have tagged the unstable ones. Hahahahaha. BTW, I'm typewriter style.
Shelly
TYPE-ER-WRITER! I think I will start making the little *ching* noise when I hit the end of the cob. Made delicious Bobby Flay grilled corn the other night with butter and cayenne salt. Like a chipmunk, I ate it so fast it was flying off the cob.
Shelly
TYPE-ER-WRITER! I think I will start making the little *ching* noise when I hit the end of the cob. Made delicious Bobby Flay grilled corn the other night with butter and cayenne salt. Like a chipmunk, I ate it so fast it was flying off the cob.
Michael
I'm with Bob. A round off both ends to provide a secure grip and then side to side.
What does it say about you if you use those little corn handles?
Linda in Illinois
I eat my corn both typewriter and round. Never meth mouth, that's just wrong and unreliable. Assume those that do it that way have no control over their life and possibly unorganized. Oh the horror! They could not be at my table. 🙃🌽
Bob HG
Go around both ends, creating "handles", then rapid fire IBM Selectric typewriter. Butter. Repeat.
Andrea
I am a typewriter girl but my madness shows up in the way I go across. After the first row I use my front teeth to pull the corn out row by row. Whole. So I don’t have any of those corn pieces still left in the cob when you bite them off. It’s cleanly shucked when I’m done (except for the opening row)
Noreen McKechnie
That’s exactly how I feel corn should be enjoyed!
Wanda
Haha, me too, but after the first row Im using my Bottom teeth to pry the next row out, Kernel Intact.
Takes longer, butt very Clean cob leftover lol
Librarian Nancy
Around the ends so that the cob cools enough to hold it, then across. And I have a Golden Retriever, I'm extremely stable to the point of being boring (been a librarian and lived in the same house for over 25 years), and always fold and put away the laundry.
Julia
I'm all over the place 😂
Jane
I can't believe the comments I'm reading! Particularly like Gail's comment about being "of a certain age". At least we all know how to use some electronic device to leave comments. 😀
It used to be that whenever we had corn on the cob, we had to share it with one of the cats. She would appear from nowhere, loved biting down on the tip and chewed, sometimes dropping kernels all over. She had no interest in the dropped kernels. It's not the same eating corn on the cob now that she's gone.