I've decided to quit blogging and go into the business of reading floors. It's kind of like reading tea leaves, only it actually works, you don't have to drink tea, plus your house gets cleaner. And it's free. And you don't feel stupid and duped after doing it.
Floor Sweep Reading is the brainchild of me. I invented it just last night while sweeping my floor and I'm pretty sure it's gonna take off. It's kind of sciency an' shit, so it may only make it into like, journals, and boring publications like that at first, but after that it's definitely going to be something everyone's talking about. Plus it'll to be a real cash cow for me. I mean, I like blogging and all, but when you come up with an idea like this everything else has to go on hold in your life.
If you're any sort of normal human being, you've been sufficiently whipped into such a frenzy by now, that you can't wait to hear what this Floor Sweep Reading actually is.
Well, you sweep your floor, take a photo of your pile of dirt and send it to an accredited Floor Sweep Reader for analysis.
I accredited myself as an Official Floor Sweep Reader just last night, and as luck would have it I'm the only one in existence right now so a) I'm your only option and b) I am your only option.
You have to send me money too. That's what makes this a cash cow.
Once an Official Floor Sweep Reader (me) receives your photo (and money) they'll analyze it using state of the art technology developed over the past half hour in my backyard with some drunk neighbours. All results are confidential, and emailed back to you using my laptop which, although not password protected is usually pretty secure since there's always a cat sitting on it.
O.K., I'm actually going to change the name of my invention right now. I know I said it was called "Floor Sweep Reading" but it just occurred to me if I call it "Floor Dirt Reading", then we can shorten that to FDR, which will be easier for people to remember on account of its association with the famous FDR fuel pump out of Izmir, Turkey.
As an experienced business person, schooled mainly by reading the Tweets of marketing bloggers, I know that you like to get something for free before you're willing to pay for it.
Here's a sample of what you can expect to receive after you send me your photo.
The first step of the analyzation:
"Identification"
"Analysis"
I see this person cuts food up but doesn't eat it. They throw food on the floor. Mainly tomatoes and kale. This person could be a violent vegetarian. Possibly a disgruntled vegan. Unless those things were dropped on the floor in which case they're just tired. An indication that this one's a real partier. Would benefit from the FDR detox kit, selling for only $79.99. In the past they've encountered a cat. It probably crossed their path. This is a bad omen. Which isn't a surprise because the chicken feather in the photo is evidence of this person's interest in voodoo. I predict this person will suffer a minor glue gun injury while attempting to reapply a rhinestone to a pentogram. And a shelf will fall down in the near future. Maybe their shelf. All of these things will happen on a day that ends with a "y".
"Conclusion"
This person needs further analysis.
BAM!! Now THAT'S how you do it.
Interested in becoming an official FDR analyzer? I don't expect you to understand all the scientific jibber jabber behind how I do all this so I won't even try to explain it right now, but suffice it to say you can be a little loosey goosey with your results and still look like you know what you're doing. Ask about my accreditation package so you too can take advantage of this booming and revolutionary method of predicting the future and reading the past.
I just realized I said earlier that you wouldn't feel stupid and duped after doing this. That's because this is real. Not like those magic tea leaves or palm reading. Also it's not free. I lied about that.
Floor Sweep Dirt Reading. Watch for it on the cover of People magazine soon.
Have a good weekend. I probably won't get to say that to you again, since I won't have time for you anymore. Because I'll be rolling in money soon. Or floor dirt.
Ev Wilcox
The floor dirt my sweeper sucks up is exceedingly boring. Dog hair, every time! Have always considered saving it and knitting a new dog, but haven't yet! The dog is very black. but the sweeper shows it to be gray.
Haven't figured that out yet....
Debbie Bashford
ooooo you need to build yourself some instrument thingy with blinking lights and switches to make it look sciency, you know, so people will respect your authority
Karen
True! ~ karen
Mandy
Sign me up!
I'll take on the European franchise!
P.S. I would also like to know what you and the for mentioned 'drunk neighbours' were imbibing. (I wants me some of that!!) ?
Sandi
Wait. WHY do "you people in the comments" pour out your Dyson collectings? Isn't that the exact opposite of every ounce of that amazing and renowned suction? Do you find things in the dirt that you didn't expect? Like another households Legos or cat hair when you only have a dog? Maybe I've been missing out on the full Dyson experience all these years.
Cynthia Jones
I don't know. Maybe it's because I lost a 1 carat diamond down the shower drain once. Maybe I need validation for the meaningless task of housekeeping. Maybe I think I'm a faerie and want to see if there is glitter in there. (there is). Maybe I secretly lust after the silver-haired Dyson man and want an excuse to contact him. Maybe I consider it a social experiment to gauge the activities in the house that week.
Maybe I want to show off that I don't actually vacuum, I just empty it.
There's my tip girls. Buy a Dyson, a red or purple one and talk about the machinery and engineering of it I swear your guy will take over the vacuuming and think he is the only one who can do it.
I know, I know.......but I don't care. It happened by accident and I am not going to change it.
Sandi
I love it! One-carat diamond...say no more.
Jan in Waterdown
You're sooo right! But mine always has to show me how much dust he got from our bedroom alone . . . kinda creepy . . .
We don't even use the central vac anymore, just the dc35 bluey purple stick model. And when the battery stops working, so do we. Win win!
Cynthia Jones
He wants you to say "you do an amazing job" or "you're so good at that". Weird, I know, but it'll keep him doing it for months. You only have to say it about 3 times a year.
Germaine Greer would be so pissed off at me, but do I care? Na!
Jan in Waterdown
Yer hilarious and right!!
Marion
Wow, what drug are you on? Hillarious!!! Great lough!!
Cynna
You're completely out of your mind, but the idea is brilliant--it's like a DNA profile (and more) on your kitchen floor!
You could even offer magic brooms as a gift with purchase.
Sherry in Alaska
Magic broom is a a brilliant idea! Free is NOT. Sell the broom with a free paper towel to be moistened to pick up the last speck of dust.......
Mary Edmondson
If the millions don't roll in fast enough, consider creating some magnificent and costly art works. Big ones sell for more so you might have to quit sweeping in order to collect enough material. All sorts of possibilities here to expand your creative talents.
Mary Edmondson
Have you been approached yet to do a TED talk. Keep imbibing. You're on a roll and this is one of your best posts. Made my day.
Stephbo
"technology developed over the past half hour in my backyard with some drunk neighbours. "
Somehow I'm thinking it's not just the neighbors who are drunk.
peg
mostly my hair (long)on the kitchen floor,I shed it so much surprised I have any on my head.I should tie up when cooking so family members aren't pulling out of food or mouth. :( Your so funny,thanks for the post.
Luanne
Those people with the FDR fuel pump webpage will most likely be scratching their noggins to figure out why the sudden blip in their page views. :)
Kat
Have you been drinking again Karen?
Martha
I'm thinking that Karen has finally learned that there's a way to open a bottle of wine that doesn't involve sticking your wine bottle in a shoe and pounding it into a tree for three hours. Only took her a few years to figure that out, but we're in for a rollercoaster of fun now.
Kieron
Lmao that's brilliant, best laugh Iv had all today :-) sign me up twice, it sounds that good.
Thanks :-)
Ann Brookens
I'm with Cynthia on checking out the dirt from my vacuum. Much more interesting than the dirt from my kitchen floor. So if you are expanding into that niche as well, I'm in!
Pati Gulat
I used to LIVE in Izmir, Turkey ! Sorry but as soon as I saw Izmir, I forgot what the rest of it was all about. Amazing place !!
Cynthia Jones
There's none of your hair. I guess that's cos it's always immaculately coiffed.
I remember when I bought my Dyson. Every time I vacuumed, I tipped out the barrel onto newspaper and examined the contents with glee.
I also vaccuumed my mattress and tried to do the dog, but he's a 5kg wimp.
You would like Dysons, trust me. Ask them if you can do a trial and blog about it. The Dyson guy is also rather silver-haired and foxy and roolly smart. He invented a whole new hand dryer for rest rooms based on the Dyson technology.
Nice dirt. Though, I think it needs to be wet to read it properly. Bet you change your career aspirations then when it looks like Mulligatawny soup.
Cynthia Jones
So, you do still have the cat ....or...you haven't swept for a year.
@radioredhead
I sometimes photograph dirt piles as I find them interesting.
So in. Dolla dolla bill yo!
Robb
Sign me for the accreditation, detox package and rolling in the dough.
Karen
That's great Robb! Consider it done. But I can tell from your comment that you have pain on your left side. You might want to consider the left side pain package as well. It's cheaper when you buy it as a package with the right side pain so I'd recommend that. ~ karen!
K
Hmmm... My floor only has dog hair on it. Copious amounts of dog hair.
Jamieson
Sign me up, I'm a believer! This is true genius at work.
Karen
That's great! You'll never believe this Jamieson but you *just* missed out on the introductory offer so prices have gone up since the introduction of the technique 28 minutes ago. I'll charge your credit card this second so you don't have that happen again. ~ karen!