There was a knock at the front door. The door that welcomes you to my home with a brick path flanked by day lillies, fluttering moths and lazy streams of sunshine streaking across the grass. It's the kind of house that seems to sigh, Come on in, with the falling of every rose petal.
My house and I are very different. I just want people to screw off.
If I know you, that's one thing. But if you walk up my pretty path looking to sell me, convince me, switch me or beg me you can either turn around and go away or prepare to get your ass kicked by a spinning and kicking tiny blonde blur. This is my house, my home. It isn't a drop in centre for people who think I have money that I just don't want anymore. And no ... I don't make exceptions for charities. I have my preferred charities and nothing makes me feel less charitable than you standing on my porch making me feel like an asshole because you aren't one of them.
Also if I wanted to switch cable providers do you know what I'd do? I'd switch cable providers, on my own, from the comfort of my binge watching couch at 2:00 in the morning after having problems bringing up the latest season of House of Cards. That is what I would do.
So finally, the other night after a particularly curious encounter at my door I said this is stupid. I'm old. I'm allowed to do things old crotchety people would do. I already save tin foil ... I'm halfway there to old person crazy.
I sat down and whipped up a No Soliciting sign. It had lots of swear words and I guess if taken out of context could possibly have been viewed as a hate crime, but only towards people with fake laminated badges. Something about strangling, and burying, and Kimchi, strangely enough. I don't know, I can't really remember, I was in a bit of a state. Luckily, just when I was about to laminate it up, I also sobered up and decided to take another, less aggressive crack at it. I mean I'm old and crotchety, but I'm not that old and crotchety.
And this is what I came up with.
Download one of the PDFs below to print your own
And not to worry. I still laminated the other one and put it in a shoe box. As soon as I start getting annoyed with kids stepping on my grass or making a lot of "racket", I'll know the day has come to crack it open.
Have a good weekend!
Barbie
I'm printing that sign out! LOVE it! HATE Solicitors!
Judy
I don't have a habit of reading blogs, but I happened upon yours while surfing for recipes a couple of weeks ago. I told my husband you had moxie and were a hoot after reading about your commando garden building (even shared it to friends on FB) and this recent post of yours regarding the universally annoying solicitor solution was so funny I read the whole thing to my equally amused husband. Kindred spirit, you are, of this Alaska girl and your sharing these moments provides hilarity to my day. Thanks for sharing. . .
Karen
Hi Judy! Welcome to my site. I do indeed have moxie. Out of curiosity what type of recipe were you looking for? I'm a very curious person by nature. Which is why if one of the solicitors ignores my warning I will cut them open to see what a real intestine looks like. ~ karen!
Judy
I believe I was on the hunt for something new to do with rhubarb (not that I ever tire of a lovely strawberry-rhubarb or plain rhubarb pie).
TucsonPatty
I so do want to see what you find in a real intestine! LOL!!!
ralph
Such signs have never done me much good.
There are many who,I swear, do not see the sign right in front of them. Then there are the others who don't understand the meaning of the sign.I do have such a sign and when it is ignored by some smiling git I sometimes get down on my knees and and with the broadest of Cheshire cat smiles say "Would you care to join me in a few moments of quiet thanks"? Mixed results,I must admit, but It amuses me at a time when I am ready to blow a gasket.
Grammy
Ralph, I tried to read to my husband what you say to some smiling gits, but I kept giggling before I could finish. So finally he had to read it himself. We've decided that is the definitive answer to the scurrilous pests who think we want to be bothered in our own home. With Karen's sign and your response to those who ignore it, we will probably look forward to the next hapless solicitor. Thanks a million.
cheryl seals
Grammy i agree, i cant wait for the next one to hit the doorbell....hahaha
SusanR
Something about living in a small village I guess, but I only get groups of ladies dressed in church clothes and hats who want to introduce me to Jesus. I refuse to confirm what they've heard about atheists having horns and tails, so I try to be nice, take their pamphlets and thank them. When I tell them I'm too sick to chat, they always say they will pray for me. I figure that can't hurt. It hasn't worked yet, though. Or, maybe it has. I'm commenting on your blog and not six feet under. It's a mysterious Universe. I wish the Girl Scouts would come by. But, they never actually HAVE cookies. I'm not good at delayed gratification. And the damn things cost $4 a box now. Really? They were 50 cents a box when I rode around on my dinosaur selling them.
I gotta print out the sign. Can you add, "And get the hell off my goddamn grass!"?
SusanO
My mother was recoving from spinal menegitis when I was a teen. The religious people from her church came to the door and wanted her to join the 'League'. She told them she was very sick and did not feel like talking. They told her that she probably got sick because she didn't belong to the 'League'. I know she's in heaven now and not because she was in the league.
Karen
LOL! I'll see about updating my site. :) Around here it's mostly cable tv/phone providers. And pretend gas company people. ~ karen!
Kitten Caboodle
Wow, I wish we had more than one cable company to come door-to-door to compete for my business. I really and truly do. In Massachusetts, there's usually a single company that owns the lines in an area, so they have a total monopoly (despite laws to prevent such things) and they charge a FORTUNE! The only option is to switch to a dish company but they're not much better price-wise and I don't like losing my TV signal just because it's raining.
Ok, now you've got me all riled up. Get off my lawn!
IRS
Ha! I have finally beaten you to the punch - by at least 2 years. Between the real estate agents who want to sell my home out from under me, the early Saturday morning Jehovah's Witnesses, and every unwelcome jerk in between, I made my sign as follows: The text of it is "No soliciting. ESPECIALLY RELIGION!!! Violators will be shot, cooked, and EATEN! Yes, this means YOU!" I bought a white ceramic subway tile at Home Depot, wrote my message on it in red and black Sharpie, and baked it for a half hour at 350 degrees to make it permanent. I then used Goop glue to attach strong magnets to the back, and then I put it on my steel front door, right beside my door bell. I have only had 2 violators. Both times I opened the door, pointed wordlessly to my sign - and closed the door. The sign goes well with my "GO AWAY" rattan doormat. I am going to to make another one (just for variety and shits and giggles) that will say, "No Soliciting. ESPECIALLY RELIGION! Violators will be introduced to my cranky, retired police dog." Anyone on this comments page is welcome to steal/borrow/use my sign and instructions. Karen is definitely on the right track.
IRS
I should also add that the sign is a more efficient replacement for what I used to do. For any non-religious pitches, I used to speak to the offender standing at my door only in an obscure, East European language that I speak fluently, while pretending not to speak or understand English. When the person reached his/her maximum dose of frustration, they simply left. For the religion solicitors (the ones I hated the worst), I would calmly tell them that I was a practicing Satanist, and depending on my mood, I would either invite them in to see my basement sacrificial altar, or to touch their Bible and have it burst into flames. I never had any takers, but they did move along quickly. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm going straight to hell and all that. It's OK. I like a dry heat.
TucsonPatty
Ha! I love both scenarios! My neighborhood put up signs at each entrance, still it doesn't deter the ones that the rules never mean *them*, do they?
We all have taken to just telling them we will be calling the Sheriff as there is No Soliciting in the neighborhood. Then we call and the Sheriff comes and helps them to leave...
cheryl seals
IRS, Oh my I shall have to try that one next time ....Speak a little swedish, or alot depending on how long they stand there !!! My biggest pet peeve is campaign time....Don't see hide nor hair of them till they want you to vote for them.....OH an speaking a differant language when a phone solisater calls may work also.....
dana
I hate the chocolate mint ones too, Karen. Bleck. I don't like chocolate & mint paired together in anything.
Laura Bee
Awesome! You are ever so thoughful. Cookies are good.
My bf has one somewhere. we had it at our old house. Something about "I am a biker, I don't want what you're selling...unless you are blind or cannot read, be sure if you knock on this door I will kick your ass." Was fun to see the door knockers stop, read it & turn away.
Edith
I put my "No Soliciting" sign on my front door and it reduced the solicitors by 90%. Those that still have the nerve to ring my doorbell get an earful from me.
Susan Hollier
As a Girl Guide leader, I thank you for making an exception for us.
Karen
For you and only you. :) And I don't even like the chocolate mint ones. bleh. The other ones are a okay by me though. ~ karen!
Teri
Oh, Karen - the chocolate mint ones are particularly awesome when frozen. you could eat them while sitting in front of your redneck AC unit. YUM!
mind you, I don't think they go well with beer.
Suzanne
You go girl. My favorite story concerning door to door solicitors: knock on the door, husband said" do you see the no solicitiors sign on the door"? Response; my mama told me I would never be a solicitor. I'm not a solicitor! I DONT SELL MYSELF.
Ah. Language is a mysterious thing.
Between the " bible thumpers" and the others, I just let the dachshunds bark, till they go away.
Please hold Tinker Kitty in your heart. He is very ill.
Karen
Oh no. :( I'm very sorry about Tinker Kitty. I'm sure everyone here will be thinking of him. Some of my readers even pray! ~ karen!
Suzanne
We all in our pod thank you for your benevolant thoughts. (too tired and sad to to hit spell check) #_#
Nancy Blue Moon
Many healing hugs to you sweet Tinker Kitty...from a crazy cat lady who loves every kitty in the whole big world...
mickey
I'll be saying a prayer for your Tinker Kitty.
Take care, Suzanne.
ruth
Like.
Amber
Can you share your original sign with us too? Please please please!!
Also, I must share a sign I passed just the other day that made me laugh out loud & take a picture of it. It read, accompanied by a picture of a rifle, "Do To The Increased Cost of Ammo, I Shoot First. Do Not Trespass"
Louise
I have one of those signs! Lol I live in the country so they don't care about the regular no trespassing and private property signs. THIS one they read twice!
Amber
That's awesome! lol I was thinking of getting one for my parents who live on 30 acres and are always dealing with "curious trespassers"
cheryl seals
Amber, Snort Snort I love it ! Think i shall be making one of those , i'm cheap this way it saves money for more ammo !!!
Auntiepatch
What? The boys "scout" the trail and then the girls "guide" old crotchety people to the cookies? Or do the girls guide the boys (think Lewis & Clark)? It's too late; I'm going to bed. This is making my head hurt.
Tell Cuddles Auntiepatch says "Hi!"
Karen
Ha! I've updated the sign for you. ~ karen!
Suzanne
Snort
Mary Casper
I'm old and crotchety too, however I am also mom to a 11 yo girl, with friends, who sell things, and probably don't know what soliciting means. And I buy my Girl Scout cookies via Messenger from my Goddaughter. But I'm saving your post for when she gets older.
Barbara Balkin
Waahhhh! I want to see the FIRST sign you made. Pretty please? (You are too funny!)
Auntiepatch
In the US we call them Girl Scouts......just saying.........
Karen
Oh! We have Boy Scouts and Girl Guides. ~ karen!
Debbie
The American version does say Girl Scouts. Not sure if that was added before or after your comment.
carol
I really am old and crotchety! The plain old 'No Soliciting' sign doesn't work in too many cases. Thanks for one that will prolly work.
LaineyDid
Sadly they don't work. I tried several versions when I was going through chemo, not one eff is given by those people!!!!!
Karen
There are a few people on my street who have them and when they saw mine they said they worked. I guess I'll find out. And let me tell you this, if anyone came to my door when I had a sign out AND was in the middle of chemo I don't know what I'd do. Yes I do. I'd punch them in the throat if I had the energy or if (fingers crossed) I felt sick, I'd throw up on them. All over them. ~ karen!
Julie G
I think I love you Karen ❤️ I too am old and crotchety - late 50s which I like to think isn't very old, but I AM very crotchety. I just ordered a bright yellow sign from an online retailer because I am so fed up with people wasting both my precious time and their seemingly limitless energy. I will NEVER buy, sign, agree, or even consider anything from anyone who calks uninvited to my home. They destroy the concept of our homes as a sanctuary. Love to you and yours x
Janet
This is my favourite post on your entire blog.
Mary W
Your home surely does welcome people - but I don't count salesmen as people. Your Daylilies are beautiful.