There was a knock at the front door. The door that welcomes you to my home with a brick path flanked by day lillies, fluttering moths and lazy streams of sunshine streaking across the grass. It's the kind of house that seems to sigh, Come on in, with the falling of every rose petal.
My house and I are very different. I just want people to screw off.
If I know you, that's one thing. But if you walk up my pretty path looking to sell me, convince me, switch me or beg me you can either turn around and go away or prepare to get your ass kicked by a spinning and kicking tiny blonde blur. This is my house, my home. It isn't a drop in centre for people who think I have money that I just don't want anymore. And no ... I don't make exceptions for charities. I have my preferred charities and nothing makes me feel less charitable than you standing on my porch making me feel like an asshole because you aren't one of them.
Also if I wanted to switch cable providers do you know what I'd do? I'd switch cable providers, on my own, from the comfort of my binge watching couch at 2:00 in the morning after having problems bringing up the latest season of House of Cards. That is what I would do.
So finally, the other night after a particularly curious encounter at my door I said this is stupid. I'm old. I'm allowed to do things old crotchety people would do. I already save tin foil ... I'm halfway there to old person crazy.
I sat down and whipped up a No Soliciting sign. It had lots of swear words and I guess if taken out of context could possibly have been viewed as a hate crime, but only towards people with fake laminated badges. Something about strangling, and burying, and Kimchi, strangely enough. I don't know, I can't really remember, I was in a bit of a state. Luckily, just when I was about to laminate it up, I also sobered up and decided to take another, less aggressive crack at it. I mean I'm old and crotchety, but I'm not that old and crotchety.
And this is what I came up with.
Download one of the PDFs below to print your own
And not to worry. I still laminated the other one and put it in a shoe box. As soon as I start getting annoyed with kids stepping on my grass or making a lot of "racket", I'll know the day has come to crack it open.
Have a good weekend!
Jillian
I totally resonate with your post Karen! After moving into my new home in 2011, it seemed I was being solicited constantly. (and it seemed they were knocking on my door when I had company) There was one particular group "Clean Water Action" that would knock on my door every couple of weeks even after telling them to not come back. I called up their boss and she told me that they were not soliciting and that it was their first amendment right to go door to door.
So I did some investigating. #1 the definition of "solicit" according to Merriam-Webster "to ask for or try to obtain (something) from someone. It does not say solicit means to ask for money! Secondly, here in the US, we do have 1st amendment rights for freedom of speech....however, not on private property. The US Supreme court ruled in favor of Jehovah Witness saying they were allowed to go door to door, but, they also said if there is a "No Solicit" sign they are to honor it. I sent all of this to "Clean Water Action" all the way up to Washington DC. I have not been bothered by them this summer at all. Yay!
Now, since many "Sales People" do not know the definition of "Solicit", a "No Solicit" sign is futile in many cases. BUT, a "NO TRESPASSING", means stay the F off my property!!! In every state, city and township this is the law and if someone comes onto your property without permission (except Utility workers because of utility easements), you have every right to call the police and have them arrested. I am sure No Trespassing laws are on the books in Canada.
With all of this being said, I took down my "No Solicit" and put up "No Trespassing". This summer a woman and 2 men came walking up my driveway while I was in my side yard, working. She tried to tell me her cousin was looking for a job. This set off the rock in my gut that says "something is wrong here" since people looking to rob you will keep you engaged, check out your stuff then have someone slip in and steal, or wait to come back later...living in the Detroit area has its perks! lol I fiercely said "Did you not see the no trespassing sign? Get the F off my property or I'll call the police". She looked at me and rolled her eyes. Really?? You rudely walk pass my no trespassing sign and then you roll your eyes at me???? WTF? Needless to say, they did not come back nor have I had any other unwanted visitors this summer.
Christy
How many cats do you have?
Connie
Karen,
Whew! Such a relief not reading about rotted shrimp, maggots or seeing zoomed-in photos of drowned flies floating in the Mason jar of death. Not that they don't deserve it, but.....does anyone else eat breakfast while checking emails and reading Karen's (mostly) awesome blog? Just curious.
Instead of making a sign for uninvited and unwelcome visitors, you should TIGHTLY screw the lid on your jar and leave it in front of your door!
Bols
The people coming in person don't bug me that much (there are not that many, in fact) - if I don't expect anyone, I simply ignore them. Fortunately, I can see from the LR window (it requires a lot of squinting but it can be done) who is at the front door . Or, if I can't see I wait till they leave and then if it's someone I am interested in I can open a window and holler.
If only I could create a digital No Soliciting sign. Just last night, Care Canada called. Now, this is not an annoying company like your fly-by-the-night driveway sealers etc. but still. They called me because I donated through their site when the earthquake struck Nepal. Now the monsoon rains are coming and the work is not done and would I like to donate monthly by having regular withdrawals? Sorry, but no. I already have my charities that are getting monthly donations and here and there I also make one-time donation when I hear of some particularly bad case, like when the Foundation of Benjamin Mehnert (in Spain) is overflowing tortured, half-dead or "just" abused galgos.
I wish companies targeted the people who have NOT donated.
But the main reason why I said no is because the company I work for just fired 5% of employees, among them people who have worked here for over 20 years and in one case, a colleague of mine who was less than 2 years from retirement.
Jacqui
Hahahahahahaha. Snort! Brilliant, I will give it a try!
Twyla
Amen Sistah! As I was reading your post, I thought, "I can't post a sign with check spelled like that ..." but of course, you have thought of everything and made us Americans our own version. I just had this conversation with a friend two days ago. I do not hire my service people or cable company based on who walks to my door! If anything, it makes me hate their company more. Couldn't agree MORE with you on this one!!
Lesley Williamson
Love this, although it's perhaps too polite for me. I once had a sign that read Shift Worker Sleeping. Wake Me Up - Lose a Limb.
I also once chased an ADT alarm salesman down my driveway after he enraged me by suggesting that I was particularly vulnerable to break-ins being a "woman living alone" and that although the police would come they may not come in time. Being both a woman living alone (and how did he know??) AND the police I didn't take that well.
Jani
When I would get phone calls solicitating cable, dish or cell phone carriers I would tell them that my Dad is president and CEO and I get my service free. Silence they didn't know how to respond!!
Marie Vlasic
Ha! I love it! Your sign is much more creative than mine. I made one about 5 years ago, which is placed right next to the doorbell, that says: "No Soliciting, No Proselytizing, No Politics" It actually works! We haven't had a salesman or Jehovah's witness in years.
-M Vlasic, the Year of Living Fabulously
Linda
Marie, I'm betting most solicitors are fearful that Proselytizing means something way darker than they want to mess with :)
SusanO
Laughter is the best medicine. I have just had my daily dose. There is so much freedom of expression on this blog. I love it. We have also moved north and the solicitors have vanished. Who wants to wander in bear country selling things. The phone calls are another thing. Is it rude to just say no thank you and hang up.
Allison
I generally ask if my listening will affect whether they get paid. Apparently some have to give their spiel to get paid. If they have to give it and I'm feeling nice, I'll just say, I'm not buying, but give me the spiel. If the spiel has no effect on them getting paid, I say no thanks, and hang up.
ElizabethNC
my understanding is that you have to say it three times "No, Thank you." And you can do it all at once, or you can say that after every syllable or sentence they manage to voice. It's some kind of rule in the world of telephone solicitation. They are required to back off at that point.
Also, if a phone solicitation comes in and you say "hello", just say it once. Those automatic calling machines will send you to a salesperson if you say "hello" more than once. I think this may be COMMON knowledge, but just in case this is an enlightenment portal of sorts....
Susan
I did not know this! Good to know, Thanks, no really Thanks.
LazySusan
It's no ruder to hang up on them, than it was for them to call in the first place. So it's a Rudeness Draw.
LazySusan
I've scared the religious ladies so badly, they took our address off their visitation list. The people who want to clean my carpet in one room for free, however, don't get nice from me. I know they want to a) convince me to have more done, or get a "donation" from me for their hard work on my behalf, and b) case the joint for goods worth stealing. I think I've scared them away, too, now. The only other solicitors we get are the extremely rare child raising money for a school trip. I always buy their seeds or candy or raffle tickets or whatever the kids are selling. I sold Girl Scout cookies door to door, and know it takes bravery to sell door to door as a kid. And they're always so happy. It makes my day to see the relief and happiness on their worried little faces after I say, "Of course!" So we don't need a sign, at the moment, but if it ever comes to needing one, I've downloaded yours. Thanks!
Old but not crochety yet!
As for irritating calls the best I've heard is when the call comes in you bang the receiver on a table and yell "hello, hello!" in the ear of the caller then pretend you are yelling to someone else in the house "Didn't you fix that phone yet?" and proceed to bang it again and again.... You will soon get off the list! Or, if you do not want to irritate the irritater, just ask them to hold the line and wait until they hang up.
Have a great weekend everyone and share more laughs.
Jenifer
OMG! I LOVE this one!! FANTASTIC!! I am actually looking forward to my next sales call. (This is fair warning Sirius Radio!)
THANKS!!
Sara S
(First, I love your blog. It brings joy to my day to read something that isn't sugar coated or filtered like many of the blogs that feature topics I want to read about.. Many times when I get home from work I corner my boyfriend and read it to him. He says it's only torturous when I get an idea that will turn into a month of extra work for him.)
Regarding the soliciting sign, when I bought my house two years ago it already came with those handy stickers on my glass doors. I never took them off. I'm in my late twenties so I think being "crotchety" has nothing to do with age, it has more to do with how "ballsy" people have gotten and our lack of tolerance for it. However, it hasn't always worked. So my next step is to get a "Guard Goose." Those vacuum peddling teenagers will be in for a big surprise....
Sarah in Illinois
I don't have a problem with people coming to my door (we have a Lab and a German Shepherd) but can you do something about the ones that call me on my phone!????
We need a Karen-suggested response to those calls! :)
Jan in Waterdown
We've been getting a lot of phone calls (from outside North America so they don't give a rat's a$$ about the do not call list) to have our "ducts cleaned". But it always sounds like "ducks" so I just start quacking until they hang up. Lots of fun! They probably think Canadians are weird.
Gordy
Time is money for the telemarketers. I just pretend to be interested, turn my hearing aids off and inject the occasional really?, Wow! Please tell me more into the conversation until the caller gets tired, figures me out or gets mad and hangs up. Seems to cure the re-callers too.
Have a great day
ally
Too funny! We had a guy come to the door the other night, wanting to sell us driveway sealing. We were not interested and hubby tried to get rid of him by saying we're not interested now but you can leave a business card. He said "I don't have business cards, I just have the name of my company on my shirt". I looked at his shirt and burst out laughing - it was so beat up that more than half of the words and numbers were gone. Ya, that seems really legit, buddy. Oh and he came back last night because I guess the "one day only deal" was extended and/or he forgot that he had already hit up our house. One sign needed post haste! Oh, and being a GG leader, I'm pleased that you are open to GG cookie sales. :)
Old but not crochety yet!
Did you know that post walks are calculated by the number of linear feet a postman has to walk? My lawn is "attached" to my neighbor's lawn, and it seems the postman and whoever else goes door to door think it is okay to cross the lawns, step through flower beds, to get to my door. So, when they get to the door they are already in the line of fire! This entitlement attitude of theirs goes well with the cashiers who never say please nor thank you but just "there you go!" When I say thank you to a cashier (to show that I have manners) I get the reply "No Problem!"
Julie
Seriously - did not one ever tell them to thank the customer!!
Linda
No sign needed--125 lb Shiloh Shepherd makes 'em fall off front porch.
Allison
Linda, I agree! People ring our door bell and then see eye to eye with our 150 pound Great Dane as she announces their arrival. One of the delivery men that drops things at our house practically throws the package on our porch and then runs the opposite direction.
Little do they know, Waffles would probably just lick them and then go back to napping.
Linda
Allison, I don't even have to answer the door--her bark is ferocious and she doesn't back down until we tell her to. Licking is optional and only after you've been invited in and received her approval :)
Allison
We don't answer either. We have a vertical piece of stained glass that she and they can see through. Sometimes she stands on her hind legs and they are literally looking her in the eye. It's fantastic!
I'm with you on the bark as well. She sounds even bigger than she is when she barks. I love my big pup.
pat
Ha! I heard that if you want an easygoing lap dog, you should get a great dane. You are confirming this? A gentle giant, I love that.
Allison
Absolutely, if you get an older one. We adopted ours at three years old, so she was out of the puppy stage. Danes aren't fully mature until somewhere between 2 and 3 years old. Ours also appeared to have been used as a backyard breeder and then dumped so she is especially mellow with our kids. She could care less if they crawl all over her.
I like to call her my 150 pound house cat because all she does all day is lay around and take naps. She would be an excellent apartment dog, believe it or not.
My recommendation is always work through a rescue because they can match up the temperament of the dog with your family and lifestyle. :) Often rescues won't adopt Danes to homes with younger kids like ours because the kids get knocked down by happy tail wags, but our rescue knew that Waffles loved kids and was extremely mellow so she'd be a good fit for our family.
SuzyMcQ
So, if all the brilliant people in the world are reading your blog, Karen, and, I know they are, and these interlopers are the scourge of the world to each of us, why do they persist? Who is buying their stuff and/or their special brand of religion? Hmmmm...........
Suzanne
I had a sign made in savannah, Georgia. It says no solicitors and then has a skull and crossbones next to it. I wish I could post a picture of it. I think you'd laugh!
Karen
OH, that sounds like a good one! I may have to make an alternate sign for myself. ~ karen!
Allison
You need a sign with your cleaver on it. I bet that would have a similar effect!
Suzanne
Yes! A sign like that with a cleaver! That would be perfect. I would just like you to know that even though I had the wooden sign with skull and crossbones right next to my front door... People still tried to sell me stuff or their religion or whatever... The Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts, however, stayed away. Which bummed me out since they are they only ones I'd buy from.
Melissa in NC
Made me laugh. You, old and crotchety!