The only time most women give their lady parts a second thought is when those lady parts start acting up. This can happen in 1 of 3 ways and always results in a trip to 1 of 3 places. If they itch, burn or bleed you'll be heading to either the medicine cabinet, the drugstore or the doctor. If they do all three you'll first head to Google. It's spelled "gonorrhoea" by the way. And if you need to know how to spell that, you'll probably also need to know how to spell the words "subpoena" and "you asshole".
Other than those few occasions when our lady parts speak up, it's really as if they don't exist. I mean they're pretty useful when the time is right and babies rocket out of them like nobody's business, but for the most part our vagina's are our silent partners in life. We don't talk to them, they don't talk to us and the world goes around just fine.
Men are different.
Nicknames for Penis
If you've ever been pregnant or read a baby book you probably know that for the first 2 months or so in the womb, the fetus is really neither a girl nor a boy. After a few weeks the fetus develops something called "indifferent gonads", which will eventually become either ovaries or testicles, but for the time being, they're nothing. They're indifferent. They're completely and totally loosey goosey about what sex they are. They're just a few cells holding their place in line until they decide to either scream HEY WE'RE BALLS, or HEY WE'RE BABY MAKERS.
During the 2nd month of gestation ...that's when shit gets real. At around week 7 or 8 stuff starts happening. The Y chromosome, in an attempt to establish dominance, starts peeing testosterone all over the place and the "boy" is born.
It is my belief that this is also the exact moment all men name their penis.
So pregnant mothers be careful about everything you do when you're 8 weeks pregnant. Innocently whipping up a batch of Rice Krispie squares could result in your son referring to his penis as Marshmallow for the rest of his life.
Men admire, talk to, name, point out, play with, whip back and forth, dress up and even have lengthy, emotional discussions with their penises. From, like, day 1 basically. Oddly they don't seem to need privacy for any of it.
A man is happy for you to watch him scrunch, move, stretch or ricochet Marshmallow from one side of his pants to the other, because even though he knows he is the proud owner of his very own penis, YOU might not be aware of his good fortune. Think of it like a dog who loves to show you his toy. He has a toy, he's proud of his toy, and even if he's going to run away with that toy right away, he wants you to know he is the lucky, lucky owner of that toy.
Like I said, men are different.
And so are the many names for their penis. A few years ago on this very blog I referred to a man's penis as a "dink". I didn't think anything of it. That's what people round these parts refer to it as. A dink. I mean not everyone, all the time; urologists still haven't caught on for instance and only the hippest of them tell men they're going to insert this garden hose sized tube into their dink. Most of them still use official terminology, like ding dong.
In fact, it was through one of my readers that I learned her southern grandmother's term for it, "that ole' purple thang". Which gives new meaning to the term colourful description.
I guess you know where this is heading don't you. I've done it once before, and I'm doing it once again. Asking you for the terms you and your family use for "penis". Dink? That ole' purple thang? Weiner? What is it?
Let the world's most entertaining comment section commence ...
p.s. don't forget to come *back* to this post later today to read the results!
Linda Diane Myers
Hooter! My bro named it.
Jacquie Gariano
I was reading about Canada making pot legal and saw this subject and couldn't resist reading it (must have missed it in January.) I couldn't help laughing out loud. My daughter walked into the room to see what I was doing and couldn't stop reading over my shoulder. We both ended up laughing so loud that her husband came into the room, but didn't want to hear any more about it. My ex-husband called it Mr. Johnson.
I love your posts, they are so informative and funny. I can't wait to read them.
Karen
Thanks Jacquie. If I remember correctly I was especially fond of "that ole purple thang" from this post, lol. ~ karen!
Josephine
My hubby calls his "Dr. Johnson" or the "Doc", i.e. the doctor is in. ;) I affectionately call my hubby Big Fella. :)
We discovered a couple years ago that the work "dork" is actually a penis term. So next time you call someone a dork, you can be sure it's in the proper context.
Karen
Interesting! Not exactly the hottest word for it is it? Dork. LOL. ~ karen!
L
In the south, "Johnson" is a favored name.... or the more generic "wanker". LOL
Doria
My husband called his 'Herbie the love bug.' While out for a Sunday drive and hitting a dip in the road my young son said "that tickled my peonies." How adorable is that?
Darcy
Sorry I'm so late, but have to tell you my middle daughter when very young called "It" a chicken burger!!!
leslie
Penis: One-eyed Wonder Worm, Twig n' Berries, Mr. Happy, Trouser Schnauser, Zizí (French).
One of my favorite terms for vagina is "Foufoune" (also French), although we (my daughters and I) use to call it "Pootie".
Susie
My DH used to call it Big Java. Didn't see that in here, so thought I'd contribute. We call my grandson's a wee wee. Loved reading the comments. That could make me very weird. But that's ok! I fit right in! LOL!
Lynn
We're pretty insistent that our kids use correct terms, but when they're not present the "mature adults" often refer to the "Twig and Giggle Berries". Also "Ball bearings and a stick shift". We are very mature.
Karen
Well yes, I could tell you were mature the moment you used the word "giggle" in place of testicles. :) ~ karen!