The only time most women give their lady parts a second thought is when those lady parts start acting up. This can happen in 1 of 3 ways and always results in a trip to 1 of 3 places. If they itch, burn or bleed you'll be heading to either the medicine cabinet, the drugstore or the doctor. If they do all three you'll first head to Google. It's spelled "gonorrhoea" by the way. And if you need to know how to spell that, you'll probably also need to know how to spell the words "subpoena" and "you asshole".
Other than those few occasions when our lady parts speak up, it's really as if they don't exist. I mean they're pretty useful when the time is right and babies rocket out of them like nobody's business, but for the most part our vagina's are our silent partners in life. We don't talk to them, they don't talk to us and the world goes around just fine.
Men are different.
Nicknames for Penis
If you've ever been pregnant or read a baby book you probably know that for the first 2 months or so in the womb, the fetus is really neither a girl nor a boy. After a few weeks the fetus develops something called "indifferent gonads", which will eventually become either ovaries or testicles, but for the time being, they're nothing. They're indifferent. They're completely and totally loosey goosey about what sex they are. They're just a few cells holding their place in line until they decide to either scream HEY WE'RE BALLS, or HEY WE'RE BABY MAKERS.
During the 2nd month of gestation ...that's when shit gets real. At around week 7 or 8 stuff starts happening. The Y chromosome, in an attempt to establish dominance, starts peeing testosterone all over the place and the "boy" is born.
It is my belief that this is also the exact moment all men name their penis.
So pregnant mothers be careful about everything you do when you're 8 weeks pregnant. Innocently whipping up a batch of Rice Krispie squares could result in your son referring to his penis as Marshmallow for the rest of his life.
Men admire, talk to, name, point out, play with, whip back and forth, dress up and even have lengthy, emotional discussions with their penises. From, like, day 1 basically. Oddly they don't seem to need privacy for any of it.
A man is happy for you to watch him scrunch, move, stretch or ricochet Marshmallow from one side of his pants to the other, because even though he knows he is the proud owner of his very own penis, YOU might not be aware of his good fortune. Think of it like a dog who loves to show you his toy. He has a toy, he's proud of his toy, and even if he's going to run away with that toy right away, he wants you to know he is the lucky, lucky owner of that toy.
Like I said, men are different.
And so are the many names for their penis. A few years ago on this very blog I referred to a man's penis as a "dink". I didn't think anything of it. That's what people round these parts refer to it as. A dink. I mean not everyone, all the time; urologists still haven't caught on for instance and only the hippest of them tell men they're going to insert this garden hose sized tube into their dink. Most of them still use official terminology, like ding dong.
In fact, it was through one of my readers that I learned her southern grandmother's term for it, "that ole' purple thang". Which gives new meaning to the term colourful description.
I guess you know where this is heading don't you. I've done it once before, and I'm doing it once again. Asking you for the terms you and your family use for "penis". Dink? That ole' purple thang? Weiner? What is it?
Let the world's most entertaining comment section commence ...
p.s. don't forget to come *back* to this post later today to read the results!
Phylicia
We call it Ed
Suzanne
Well, after having 3 girls.....my Dad was so very proud to have finally 'made" a boy with a "DONKLE"....NOW where that came from I don't know. Now that we are in our 60's, I think I will ask him does he still call that thingy a Donkle? haha
Jasmine
Coming from a family with three girls and a Hungarian mom, our vaginas were referred to as " Poonsie". My brother-in-law has been known to call his wife that in the grocery store, from two aisles over.
My two grown sons will call each other "Choad". This being a derogatory term for a short, fat penis.
I had an ex-boyfriend refer to his as a heat-seeking moisture missile. Idiot.
Teresa
What about Johnson? As in "you don't have to call me Johnson, you can call me Johnny, or you can call me John, but ya doesn't have to call me Johnson"! Mr. Johnson to the uppity men!
I'm a little late getting on the train but my lawrd!!! I'm laughing up a storm! Thanks Karen.
Alicia
I'm sorry to report that it's not very exciting in my house. I have twins, a boy and a girl. So we just go with "penis" or "boy parts". When they were 2 or 3 there was a lot of concern at bath time that she hadn't yet grown one of those, and he wondered when his would fall off and look like his sister...so I explained that boys and girls simply have different parts, and those were both exactly as they should be...go "Boy parts" and "Girl parts" is what we say...and sometimes penis, which now at 8 years old my son misspells as "penus"
Mary
When my son was born and I had a need to address it , we called it his "winkie". I don't think he calls it that today but at the time we thought it was cute. As for my man, I was more accustomed to calling it a "cock" as that to me had more of a sexual meaning.
Maggie
I dubbed my boyfriend's Mr. Winkie because you can make it wink at you and, well, mister was obvious.
The most annoying name he's had for my girls is fun bags. They may be fun but I don't really want to think of them as bags.
Diane Wong
When I was a teenager my family of all girls decided they should all be referred to as "dangling participles"! I also have had an "Egore", which should have told me right there that he was a wierdo.
Robyn
Here in northern Minnesota, we call 'em by lots of different monikers....dink, ding-dong, shlong, Mr. Johnson, dick, prick, sweenie, wiener (my daughter once had my husband and I almost kicked out of a restaurant when she loudly declared to every one within earshot that her daddy had a "wiener" and the more my hubs and I tried to shut her up, the louder she would say it!)
As far as lady parts, no names but have used "Highway of Love", Tunnel of Love, Lady Garden!
Maureen
LOL, I'm another who has named her va-jay-jay: mine is called Iris, after some of the Georgia O'Keefe paintings I fell in love with in New Mexico, in my early 20s. My hubby's name for his is "Willie," but when we use a generic word for man parts, it would be schlong or cock (or for little boys, schpeckel or pee-pee).
Thanks so much for this thread, it's the funniest thing I've read all day!
Margaret
My daughter has taken all the fun out of having grandsons. Along with eyes, ears, nose they have a penis and testicles.
Tiff
I kid you not, he refers to his "thunder muscle" as Dr. Hector Beelinbector. It's all I can do sometimed not to ask if the doctor is "in"...
Gillian
My four year old's is called his "beard". I'm pretty sure this is a mix of "pee-er" (from me) and his Dad's "bird" (it's a Newfoundlander thing, I'm pretty sure). I think "beard" is hilarious!! Can't wait for the "growing a beard" conversation that we are likely going to have some day. hehehehe
Cussot
But do they come when you call?
Shelagh
My mother once told me what she thought was a dirty joke; what do you call a penis that has been circumcised by a pair of pinking shears? A " frilly dilly" !
I also live in Ontario and dink is quite familiar but then so is cock, dick, rod, and wanker. You make me laugh Karen....keep up the good work.
Lisa K
Tollyflocker, penis, wee wee, turtle, schlong, weener, hoo haw...ummm, I have two teenage sons and two male dogs plus a husband. Sigh, I'm sure I've missed a 100 or more names that have been used in this house. Oh yah! James and the twins.
Karen
Tollyflocker? That sounds very flamboyant. Like it wears a feather boa during daylight hours. ~ karen!
Lisa K
There was debate in our house about a feather boa for many years. It may still show up! In the meantime, he has re-named his Jeff. Still watching for feathers LOL!
Keelea
My guy and I call his "T. Boone Dickens" because it looks like a wealthy Texas oil tycoon.
Karen
men. They have issues, don't they, lol. ~ karen!
Kristina
Wanker, his wanker is showing
Carolyn
I think we all should watch "The Meaning of Life". Eric Idle has a whole song about the subject.
I'll use any excuse to watch Monty Python. ;)
Marti
I really didn't see this coming. You coul almost teach 9th grade Health with some parts of this post, couldn't you? I must say I'm a little surprised that only one person posted a photo. That's sortof amazing, isn't it? Did you censor?
Karen
NO! I didn't censor. I was waiting with a coffee and a danish for some good pictures. They never came. Some people. Humrph. ~ karen!