The only time most women give their lady parts a second thought is when those lady parts start acting up. This can happen in 1 of 3 ways and always results in a trip to 1 of 3 places. If they itch, burn or bleed you'll be heading to either the medicine cabinet, the drugstore or the doctor. If they do all three you'll first head to Google. It's spelled "gonorrhoea" by the way. And if you need to know how to spell that, you'll probably also need to know how to spell the words "subpoena" and "you asshole".
Other than those few occasions when our lady parts speak up, it's really as if they don't exist. I mean they're pretty useful when the time is right and babies rocket out of them like nobody's business, but for the most part our vagina's are our silent partners in life. We don't talk to them, they don't talk to us and the world goes around just fine.
Men are different.
Nicknames for Penis
If you've ever been pregnant or read a baby book you probably know that for the first 2 months or so in the womb, the fetus is really neither a girl nor a boy. After a few weeks the fetus develops something called "indifferent gonads", which will eventually become either ovaries or testicles, but for the time being, they're nothing. They're indifferent. They're completely and totally loosey goosey about what sex they are. They're just a few cells holding their place in line until they decide to either scream HEY WE'RE BALLS, or HEY WE'RE BABY MAKERS.
During the 2nd month of gestation ...that's when shit gets real. At around week 7 or 8 stuff starts happening. The Y chromosome, in an attempt to establish dominance, starts peeing testosterone all over the place and the "boy" is born.
It is my belief that this is also the exact moment all men name their penis.
So pregnant mothers be careful about everything you do when you're 8 weeks pregnant. Innocently whipping up a batch of Rice Krispie squares could result in your son referring to his penis as Marshmallow for the rest of his life.
Men admire, talk to, name, point out, play with, whip back and forth, dress up and even have lengthy, emotional discussions with their penises. From, like, day 1 basically. Oddly they don't seem to need privacy for any of it.
A man is happy for you to watch him scrunch, move, stretch or ricochet Marshmallow from one side of his pants to the other, because even though he knows he is the proud owner of his very own penis, YOU might not be aware of his good fortune. Think of it like a dog who loves to show you his toy. He has a toy, he's proud of his toy, and even if he's going to run away with that toy right away, he wants you to know he is the lucky, lucky owner of that toy.
Like I said, men are different.
And so are the many names for their penis. A few years ago on this very blog I referred to a man's penis as a "dink". I didn't think anything of it. That's what people round these parts refer to it as. A dink. I mean not everyone, all the time; urologists still haven't caught on for instance and only the hippest of them tell men they're going to insert this garden hose sized tube into their dink. Most of them still use official terminology, like ding dong.
In fact, it was through one of my readers that I learned her southern grandmother's term for it, "that ole' purple thang". Which gives new meaning to the term colourful description.
I guess you know where this is heading don't you. I've done it once before, and I'm doing it once again. Asking you for the terms you and your family use for "penis". Dink? That ole' purple thang? Weiner? What is it?
Let the world's most entertaining comment section commence ...
p.s. don't forget to come *back* to this post later today to read the results!
TucsonPatty
For oh so many years - pee-pee, as in "Baliff, whack his pee-pee!" Anyone remember that Cheech and Chong reference? I don't recall any good ones (names, that is) but weiner, wienie, dong dong, and yes, penis. Not very imaginative, I'm afraid. Looking forward to new vocabulary words to learn to spell!
TucsonPatty
Ding dong
Linda
I remember that Cheech & Chong...one of my favorites, right along with "Dave's not here".
With little boys, it's mostly a winkydink although that's kinda weird because it's also the name for boxed macaroni & cheese. hahaha! For big boys I guess it's just a dick but I may have to adopt some of the more interesting names here.
Melissa
Holy Moly Guacamole...I almost put off reading this as I was heading off to bed...only to be captivated by the word "penis" in the headline.
That thing, that silly ol' thing...I just call it a penis, which makes my momma cringe. But I have a medical background, and daughters, and I just call it as I see it...P.E.N.I.S. And Vagina. Another word that makes my momma cringe (which is probably why she never had the birds and bees talk with me, she was scared of the words PENIS and VAGINA...which I love saying, just to see her cringe).
Every once in a while, if changing a grandson's diapy, I'll say "Stop playing with your PeePee", which immediately gets giggles and more playing with his PeePee. Geesh...boys.
My sister called my nephews his "Whanker"...oh the horrors...I mean, Whanker?? Really?? He still calls it that.
My husband will say his "Wein"...short I guess for Weiner....but, all I can think of is hot dogs at that point...not so romantic, I tell him.
I do call people Dick Head a lot...does that count?
Laura
You like romantic? Well... here the household penis has been baptized "Romeo". ; )
Tracie
Well, on my mom's side of the family they always called them "LaLa's." Even as a greeting. "Hey Milt, how's your LaLa?" When my younger sister had her son, she called it a "doo" for some reason, as in "don't forget to wash your doo!" But really, most names sound pretty ridiculous in my books...;)
Wendy
Most names do sound kind of dismissive of our men's deep regard for their member.
I think cock is the best.
Cock. Cock. Yes, it confers respect and sounds sexy at the same time. To me, anyway!
Love love love your blog, Karen!
By the way Karen, it's cock, not caulk!
Jennifer Lee
I just realized how funny "indifferent gonads" is. As if they shrug. They couldn't care less. Later, when they belong to a teen, they are no longer indifferent.
Sherry
HAHAHAHA!!! Love it!
Karen
I know! I *love* the term Indifferent Gonads. ~ karen!
Tris
Great name for a punk band....
Wendy
Good one!
Gayle M
A woman who I worked with frequently spoke about her husband James referring to his as "Big Jim and the boys." In this household (hubby, 2 son's, and 2 male dogs--man! Was i outnumbered!), it was just regular biological terminology--"penis" I know, boooooooring! But my men didn't put up with any of my silly nonsense.
FUN reading, I'll say.
Rintin
In our home, it's "Big Jim and the Twins". I can't help but smile at that. Every. Time. ... still!!
We also use "schmeckel", you know, when we're talking about serious, grown up penis-related issues.
marli
Go out to the henhouse and find that Rooster. You know, the Cock. There ya go.
PS: Hubby told me after I read your last post re: "the big old purple thing", the difference between pink and purple is grip. So there ya go again.
PPS: I love your blog.
Karen
Thanks Marli! ~ karen
Ron
A friend of mine used to refer to it as a one-eyed trouser snake.
Jennifer Lee
When I was 5, my Mom and I were visiting a lady and her son, also 5. The son was taking a shower. When the rest of us heard agonized screaming, we all ran to the bathroom. The poor boy had accidentally turned very hot water on. I later asked Mom what that "thing" was. Like a good, 1958 mother, she told me it was a penis, but either I misheard her or just refused to believe that "penis" could be a real word, because I thought of it as a "peanut" for maybe 5 years. Well, it DID look a lot like a peanut.
Nathalie
My daughter also misunderstood us and called it a peanut! We thought it was cute and didn't correct her until we saw the horrified look on her face when she heard someone talking about peanut butter.
Jenifer
OMG! There is now coffee sprayed EVERYWHERE! Peanut butter! I will be laughing the rest of the day! :D
Jennifer Lee
Thanks for that. After all these years, now I don't feel so silly! If she's old enough now, tell her SHE'S not the only one, either. If she's anything like me, it will make her feel better.
Diane
This reminds me of a joke:
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!' Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.' Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?' Sally replied, 'No... salty!'
Jennifer Lee
HA!
JD
Sally and Johnny were playing "Show me yours and I'll show you mine".
Johnny started boasting, "Ha, I have one of -these- and you don't!"
Sally replied, "So? I have one of -THESE-, and my Mommy says that with one of -THESE-, I can get all of -those- that I want!"
Gina Rose
Cannot atop laughing. And once done forwarding to every cool woman I know, will expand your followers greatly.
PS: had a guy who insisted on calling his "The Whopper.
Karen
Uch, lol. Men! Lol. ~ karen!
MrsChris SA
And you are very concerned about the varying names for a 'schlong" (SA version - mainly for a rather large one) because why? Also another name - one eyed Cobra - that would petrify any woman!!!!
Nudge nudge wink wink??????
Laura
Growing up, it was called a wee wee. My husband calls it a wang. I call them UGLY
Melissa
L. O. L.
Sera
Haha!
Debbie from Illinois
Hilarious!!!
Karen
LOL! ~ k!
Ella
We called them dinks when we were growing up too!! (Yes, I am in Ontario too). Hmm, I call it his Bad Boy but the boyfriend calls it either Buddy or Mr Big.
LMAO!!!
Heidi Ruckriegel
Well, back in Germany the local term was Schnackel. Has a nice sound to it, don't you think? Now it seems to be 'willy' which is pretty wishy-washy, if you ask me.
Ellen in Illinois
...that was unexpected......now tomorrow "dick" will come to mind often and unfortunately.... You are entertaining!!!
Marianne
Hi Ellen ! Yep !
Michelle
I grew up with dinger and tallywacker but married the pink thing. Ummm red heads are not purple. I am the odd person who loves orange men. Lol
J
Me too! Love me some
Gingers! Married one.
Michelle
Gingers are our secret! Shhh! Once you go red... Lol
jessica devlin
Bahahahahaha this is freaking hilarious! seriously was not expecting that and busted out laughing. My husband already knows i'm crazy so it's all good.
thanks for the laugh!
Karen
I try to break out the klass every once in a while. ~ karen!
Laura
So, so appropriate for this day down here in the US.
Sandi
Yesssss!!!
Marianne
Hi Laura ! I agree ! ;)
Barbie knoop
Red rocket
TONI
WHOOJABADIDDLEPOPPER .................... !
Karen
That's a lie, lol!! You made that up on the spot, lolol! ~ karen!
Melissa
Hahahahahahahahahaha
Sera
Aaaahahahahaha!
Lisa
Never mind what I used to call it "that ole' purple thang" is too perfect. Oh and dillywhacker. :-)
Chelsea Randall
Tallywhacker!