It's almost Valentine's Day!! A holiday fraught with two of everyone's most favourite things - waxy chocolates and unfulfilled expectation.
To be a truly successful blogger you must, MUST celebrate each and every holiday with steroidal vigour. As if failing to create a St. Patrick's Day themed dinner party complete with live leprechauns glued to your wall in the form of a wreath will result in a man named Rocco showing up at your front door with a baseball bat and an unhealthy obsession with your knees.
Actually, scratch the baseball bat thing, if he's a blog enforcer obviously he'll beat you with a piece of a broken down pallet accessorized with some washi tape.
There are two other things crucial to being a successful blogger. I mean it isn't just about holiday frenzy.
The first being an ability to write. The second being an ability to photograph, manage, market, promote, beg, schedule, code, cry, recover, create, make, convey, invent and be perfectly content living for days on end without any real human contact beyond talking to your cat who you sometimes dress in pants because then it kind of feels like you have a co-worker, albeit a co-worker who never contributes anything significant to the business. So very much like upper management.
You get all those skillz down and you, my friend, WILL BE A SUCCESSFUL BLOGGER.
One of my attempts to make it into the world of successful bloggers was coming up with the cherry tarts I featured last week.
Why do these if I hate Valentine's day? As I do. Because WOOOOOOOOOOOO it's a holiday and we must all celebrate the holidays even if we don't like them and think they're stupid and would rather eat a bag of toenails.
#bloggerlife
The tarts are really good and really easy by the way. Nothing like a bag of toenails.
I do not like Valentine's Day. I think it's stupid and silly. And kind of embarrassing really; mostly for men. It's a holiday that at its heart seeks to point out that men, if unreminded, would go years on end, possibly even an entire LIFETIME without buying their wives cheap, skanky underwear. That's just dumb. Any men I've come across have to be reminded to NOT buy their wives cheap, skanky underwear.
Enter Valentine's Day, which conveniently and concisely reminds men throughout the world that nothing better assures a woman that she is loved and cared for, than a man coming home from work, pulling a newly purchased Valentine's Day card out of a plastic bag, signing it in front of her and handing it over with a self assured "I got you covered." smile. Once a year.
If the inventors of Valentine's Day were really serious about their job, the international symbol for it wouldn't be a heart, it would be the silhouette of a man with a drill and a romance novel tucked into his toolbelt while taking out the garbage in front of the whole neighbourhood wearing a thong. Handy, romantic, well read, funny, confident and helpful.
But because I'm a blogger and wish to maintain my status of successful blogger I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a good Valentine's Day DIY for this year. Maybe some food or a decoration or perhaps a recipe for how to make your own edible underwear. You know. Something classy.
I couldn't do it. Really the only Valentine's Day decorations I like are the super cheesy paper cutout hearts that you stick to your windows. You know, kindergarten type stuff. Which makes sense since I also like those old fashioned classmate Valentine's Day cards which are just a cutout of a slightly misshapen cartoon puppy holding a heart.
You'd have to have the cold, cold heart of a man named Rocco to not love that.
It's not that women don't like romance or grand gestures or even chocolate.
There's just something insincere about telling men, forcing them to prove their love through red roses and cheap chocolate on one of the 365 days in the year.
For most women the most memorable gestures of love rarely involve lace. Usually it involves a beverage. Like making you a coffee or pouring you a glass of wine, miraculously just knowing when you need it.
Maybe even on June 23rd. Or October 5th. Or noticing something that needs to be fixed and ... just fixing it. At the very least calling someone and arranging to have it fixed. Now THAT'S romance.
And don't even get me started on what a libido revver it is for a man to cup your chin in his hand as he draws your face close to his mouth and whispers "I want you to be in charge of the remote tonight."
So for right now, I've got nothin' for ya. No red wreath made out of cutout cupids, no chocolate beverage with a homemade heart shaped stir stick. No Valentine's dinner, dessert, printout or cutout.
Nothing.
But if you've learned anything from this post you've learned that doesn't mean I don't love you.
Beth
Hahaha!! The description of the man with his toolbelt....hysterical and priceless.
Marilyn
Laughing at the remote and chin....thanks for returning Karen. If you ever wanted to post just once or twice per week, I wouldn’t mind (think it’s 3 times now). If that made for a longer blog life, it would be fair trade in my mind. Just sayin’.
Joanne E Mercieca
The card coming out of the plastic bag is so right on - happened on every holiday that was supposed to require cards (that was the ex - and you can maybe see why the ex).
Not to mention the stress on those that are currently single.
Keep up the good work Karen! and I'm not really a dog person, (had my legs scratched and good clothes ruined too many times by people who think its soo cute when their muddy/wet dog jumps up on you and tries to take off your nose) but your boy has show potential!
Caroline Duchscher
My husband and I agree with your outlook too. So now, instead of flowers or a card, he donates money to our local pet shelter in my name. It’s truly a gift of the heart that makes me very happy and benefits more than just me.
Sandra
Romance is taking my dog to the vet. And my grandest girl skiing-and bringing home a good chocolate bar to have for dessert.
Deb from Maryland
Absolutely, halleluiah and amen! (When I was married) I let my husband know that if he got me anything on this particular Hallmark created holiday, he'd be in trouble. LOL. He was gracious about picking another arbitrary day to buy me flowers and tell me he loved me an extra time. ;)
Tracy
Oh my gosh. The remote control scenario is priceless! Like that's ever going to happen. 😆
Shelley
Nailed it!!!
My husband is a contractor, so the paragraph giving a mental visual of a guy taking the trash out really makes me laugh.
I enjoy your posts FAR more than the other bloggers who give such unrealistic picture perfect life content-you my dear-are the real McCoy!
Ann Roberts
I think more people agree with your take on V day than you might think, LOL. BTW-I love your first pic with the huge card. I know that took time to execute and it is just genius
Kelly
Thanks for starting my day with a laugh! Couldn't have said it better myself! You know Hallmark cards invented Valentine's Day as a marketing ploy to sell cards, right? 'Tis true. As I sit reading and enjoying the fabulous coffee I made and lovingly served to myself, I'm wondering how many arguments, fights, breakups and makeups or god forbid, stabbings, will result in today's expectations?
If Valentine's Day was a pathology, it would be a sociopath.
Linda Schombert
Love, love, love your whole post, top to bottom! I have moved away from those bloggers with no pet hair in their pictures, 20 pillows on their beds, dining tables so filled with “artistic” flower arrangements, 10 candles, dishes with strung beads that their is no room for FOOD! Come on…thank you for being you! As for those holidays, we feel they are all a scam perpetrated by the card, candy and floral industries! Please show your love more often in ways that are appreciated by your partner…
Kelly
Couldn't have said it better myself! You know Hallmark cards invented Valentine's Day as a marketing ploy to sell cards, right? 'Tis true. As I sit reading and enjoying the fabulous coffee I made and lovingly served to myself, I'm wondering how many arguments, fights, breakups and makeups or god forbid, stabbings, will result in today's expectations?
If Valentine's Day was a pathology, it would be a sociopath.
Audrey
Hahahaha! Perfect!! Thanks for the laughs!
Vicki
I'm with you. I have no use for Valentine's Day. It's the day I rather severely broke my leg slipping on ice while leaving a show. That we went to for Valentine's Day. Which has been a non-celebratory day since 2014. 2/14/14 to be exact.
Liz
Not to mention the crappy flowers that die after two days. I'd much rather someone give me a cool house or garden plant. But that's just me.
Susan MacIsaac
I roared laughing at the skanky underwear comment. Hubby and I were at the mall, first time in months, and sure enough black and red skank wear in the window. I told my husband with all the supply chain issues they still managed to get skanky lingerie.
Ps he hates the word skanky.lol
Deb
Good gawd, I adore you. Brains and common sense, a wicked sense of humor and an industrious nature. Thanks for brightening my day again!
Helen Whaley
My husband MADE me a valentine card this year. Certainly it’s not as slick and professional as a store bought card but it means so much more. 💕
Frances PB
I couldn’t agree with you more. I banned my husband from purchasing overpriced flowers for me decades ago. My father bought my mother flowers every week when he did the grocery shopping so she could have a rest…. that’s true love.
Terry
This post is way too Philip-free. We need more Philip. And chickens. Stay warm!
Ricky
Perfect said!
What’s worse being a florist. Making beautiful arrangements, hurrying to deliver on time, proud of your work. Then to get all the complaints that the flowers did not meet expectations. Ugh!!!