The only time most women give their lady parts a second thought is when those lady parts start acting up. This can happen in 1 of 3 ways and always results in a trip to 1 of 3 places. If they itch, burn or bleed you'll be heading to either the medicine cabinet, the drugstore or the doctor. If they do all three you'll first head to Google. It's spelled "gonorrhoea" by the way. And if you need to know how to spell that, you'll probably also need to know how to spell the words "subpoena" and "you asshole".
Other than those few occasions when our lady parts speak up, it's really as if they don't exist. I mean they're pretty useful when the time is right and babies rocket out of them like nobody's business, but for the most part our vagina's are our silent partners in life. We don't talk to them, they don't talk to us and the world goes around just fine.
Men are different.
Nicknames for Penis
If you've ever been pregnant or read a baby book you probably know that for the first 2 months or so in the womb, the fetus is really neither a girl nor a boy. After a few weeks the fetus develops something called "indifferent gonads", which will eventually become either ovaries or testicles, but for the time being, they're nothing. They're indifferent. They're completely and totally loosey goosey about what sex they are. They're just a few cells holding their place in line until they decide to either scream HEY WE'RE BALLS, or HEY WE'RE BABY MAKERS.
During the 2nd month of gestation ...that's when shit gets real. At around week 7 or 8 stuff starts happening. The Y chromosome, in an attempt to establish dominance, starts peeing testosterone all over the place and the "boy" is born.
It is my belief that this is also the exact moment all men name their penis.
So pregnant mothers be careful about everything you do when you're 8 weeks pregnant. Innocently whipping up a batch of Rice Krispie squares could result in your son referring to his penis as Marshmallow for the rest of his life.
Men admire, talk to, name, point out, play with, whip back and forth, dress up and even have lengthy, emotional discussions with their penises. From, like, day 1 basically. Oddly they don't seem to need privacy for any of it.
A man is happy for you to watch him scrunch, move, stretch or ricochet Marshmallow from one side of his pants to the other, because even though he knows he is the proud owner of his very own penis, YOU might not be aware of his good fortune. Think of it like a dog who loves to show you his toy. He has a toy, he's proud of his toy, and even if he's going to run away with that toy right away, he wants you to know he is the lucky, lucky owner of that toy.
Like I said, men are different.
And so are the many names for their penis. A few years ago on this very blog I referred to a man's penis as a "dink". I didn't think anything of it. That's what people round these parts refer to it as. A dink. I mean not everyone, all the time; urologists still haven't caught on for instance and only the hippest of them tell men they're going to insert this garden hose sized tube into their dink. Most of them still use official terminology, like ding dong.
In fact, it was through one of my readers that I learned her southern grandmother's term for it, "that ole' purple thang". Which gives new meaning to the term colourful description.
I guess you know where this is heading don't you. I've done it once before, and I'm doing it once again. Asking you for the terms you and your family use for "penis". Dink? That ole' purple thang? Weiner? What is it?
Let the world's most entertaining comment section commence ...
p.s. don't forget to come *back* to this post later today to read the results!
Jani
Well several names come to mind. My parents referred to my brothers and grandsons as Dinkie".
Then there was the sarcastic "williewhacker". As in... Anybody see Jim.... Yeah he's probably whacking his Willie.
I called my grandsons "nutter butters". This is actually bringing tears to my eyes as I am laughing my ass off right now.
"
Victoria
When I was first married, my Scottish mother-in-law ranted about having to wash out pecker tracks from her husband and sons' underwear. It's been a pecker to me ever since, and I hate washing pecker tracks too. I live in Ontario as well.
Carol Hogan
My grandsons call their penises and testicles their dangly parts.
Cindy McCammon
The only thing better than these blog posts would be these blog posts accompanied by the laughter of everyone who's reading them.
Jody
Dink! For some reason I get the giggles when I hear ball peen hammer.
Is this your only blog post without photos?
Allison
"business"
TucsonPatty
Karen, I have read and then re-read all (now up to) 216 comments and laughed and have enjoyed seeing all the commenters coming out of the woodwork. You know how to get us engaged! I've been talking about this at work and my gay male co-worker said, no he had not named his as a kid, but he quickly named it on the spot! "Blanche. Blanche Dubois." Of course I asked and he said yes, he had "...always depended on the kindness of strangers." I cracked up! Thanks for the laughs!
Lesley
Guy I used to work with (traffic cop) used to call it "the big rig". He'd announce pee breaks by saying "Just going to bleed off the big rig", like you'd bleed off the pressure in semi-trailer air brakes. My working life was 30 years of kindergarten, I swear.
Trine
In Denmark it is a 'Diller' - not so bad term 'commonly' used. The more personale naming I have only heard of. Never known a man who named it.
Cindy McCammon
When my younger brother arrived on the scene, with all his parts, my mother referred to his dooflicker or his dingleberry. Because I was a modern mother, I called my son's dooflicker a penis. My daughter named her vulva after her favourite Sesame Street character...Snuffleupagus. Snuffie, for short.
Dan
Courtesy of Monty Python....(probably NSFW, if you work anywhere with a real HR department)....
TucsonPatty
I thought I knew the Monty Python sketches, but I didn't remember this one. Too funny!! Love it!
Diane amick
My b-i-l taught ny nephew to call it his Bobbie-do. No idea why...
Angela
Living in a house with 3 boys, 5 if you count the dogs, I've heard quite the variety. One that I haven't seen mentioned yet is penoid or just noid.
And on this day in the US, such a timely topic! Karen, you are the best!
Andrew H Karr
My Mom Told me this joke and proceeded to laugh herself silly.
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thing,' which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well," said the old lady,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach!"
Karen
That's great, lol! ~ karen
judy
I raised 3 sons and when they were little their penis's were their DeeDees-why I don't know- must have been some name I heard when babysitting and it came back when I had sons of my own
Husband had little to no input with his sons...his Father ran away with the Circus when he was 7..and I Mean that literally. He had Kiddy rides and worked in the Cook House as a Chef. My Spouse loved spending summers with him especially peeking in the tent where the Ladies took off their clothes.
AnyHoo when they got old enough to find trouble I began referring to private part as their UNIT,
Unit was not to contract any disgusting drips,inflamations or generally behave in an unethical mode as in-do not exchange romantic lies for a couple of euphoric pulsations.
Also do not make any small people you don't intend to support for a couple of Decades. Said support will not involve any part of your Father's paycheck-I can guarantee.
Units excitement will cool,the consequences of Units actions are long long term. THINK!
Got lots of very dirty looks,but they never had any of the difficulties I lectured against and some of their buddies did......oops
Chrissi Vergoglini
Growing up, my mom would refer to our vaginas as "drappersnappers" & men's penis as "tallywhacker". I taught my son's to use the real medical terms. I married into an Italian family & a penis was called a "peesh"! Later in their teenage years my boys & their friends always talked about their "bird". It's a mystery to me! Now that I'm older I call my vagina my"fah fah"& I have no idea where that came from, unless it means an area that hasn't been used for years!
Thank you for the funniest blog ever!
Chrissi
judy
I raised 3 sons and when they were little their penis's were their DeeDees-why I don't know- must have been some name I heard when babysitting and it came back when I had sons of my own
Husband had little to no input with his sons...his Father ran away with the Circus when he was 7..and I Mean that literally. He had Kiddy rides and worked in the Cook House as a Chef. My Spouse loved spending summers with him especially peeking in the tent where the Ladies took off their clothes.
AnyHoo when they got old enough to find trouble I began referring to private part as their UNIT,
Unit was not to contract any disgusting drips,inflamations or generally behave in an unethical mode as in-do not exchange romantic lies for a couple of euphoric pulsations.
Also do not make any small people you don't intend to support for a couple of Decades. Said support will not involve any part of your Father's paycheck-I can guarantee.
Units excitement will cool,the consequences of Units actions are long long term. THINK!
Got lots of very dirty looks,but they never had any of the difficulties I lectured against and some of their buddies did.
Ev Wilcox
Needed a laugh so much today, and I thank you all! Just asked my spouse of 50 years what name he "thinks" and he had to think about it for a few minutes. He ended up with "schwansel", which I have heard him say through the years. I have heard some women refer to their breasts (my word!) as "The Girls" or "The Ladies". I guess the other area would Be "Hoo Hah, but I've never named mine!
Thanks Karen, for yet another engaging post!
Holly
My mother-in-law referred to it as a pony tail. Very confusing for my husband when he was growing up, because his sisters wore their hair in pony tails.
Shelly
Thanks for the laugh this morning! Still laughing. I unfortunately kicked my little brother you know where when I was 11 or 12 and he was 6. He doubled up in pain and hit the floor, just like Hollywood. My mom came running and told me you don't ever kick a boy where his 'thing' is. My first introduction to the 'thing'! As a grownup, I say You Know What. Lol. I'm 52, divorced, empty nester. Yeah, I've had some experience with You Know What! Sorry, I guess I had a sheltered life!