Menopause, shopping for cannabis with my 84 year old mother, and the wheels falling off. Also I tried another YouTube hair curling tutorial. So yeah, shit went down this week.
Actual text from Thursday
I spend one hour each night watching television. Mostly dark series like Killing Eve, Ozark, or Shameless but none as detrimental to my hair as a Hallmark Christmas movie. I blame the Hallmark franchise of Christmas movies on this ...
It starts in November, and by December I can't help myself. I wake up one morning and decide I'm going to have to curl my hair. It's not a thought so much as a compulsion after watching hours and hours of Hallmark starlets, with a head full of not too uptight, not too loose curls. I've never liked curls. They're too curly for me. I've never liked Christmas sweaters, dainty necklaces or saying Oh Gosh but after a month of watching I enter what I assume is some sort of Hallmark hypnosis.
This is how I end up curling my hair. Once or twice a year I give it a shot, it fails in a rather epic way and I walk around for the rest of the day as if this is a totally normal and good look for me. The next morning I retire the ambition of curls until the next round of Hallmark seasonal movies comes on television.
I want to make it clear that I don't blame Hallmark entirely, I blame YouTube beauty Vloggers. Specifically the ones who do hair tutorials, upload them, and expect me to be able to replicate what they do. Last time I watched a video on doing a type of rag rolling technique in order to look exactly like Charlize Theron. You can see the startling results of that here.
This time, I wanted to dry my hair with a diffuser to easily bring out "the luscious natural curls that were just waiting to blossom from my head". That was the description. So that's what I did. I diffused and diffused and diffused with my billion dollar hairdryer until I flipped my head back up and saw Nick Nolte staring back at me.
I would never have even tried to achieve head blossom curls even a year ago but something's changed in that time. I think my meno is pausing.
I had some blood tests last month that I think confirmed it. I'm not entirely sure because my doctor didn't walk me through the results. I read and interpreted the test results myself online. My doctor is retiring at the end of the month so if you aren't scabbing up from some sort of radiation poisoning, she's maybe not going to get back to you.
If it's true, this would ALL MAKE SENSE. I have had a bizarre series of random symptoms (including the gut wrenching anxiety that started earlier this year) over the past several months. None of which I've ever heard of as being related to menopause.
Want to know why? Because menopause is relegated to the same level of medical concern as "my kid stuck a peanut up his nose." The only time I remember any sort or real discussion in public about menopause was when one study thought maybe hormone replacement therapy could give you cancer and all the doctors stopped prescribing it giving us a world of 45-60 year old women screaming their way through a medical crises with no medical help at all.
Don't think going through menopause without hormone replacement therapy is a medical crises? Picture this conversation:
Doctor: Hello man person. You had a heart attack, you might have had a stroke, I'm going to have to remove both your arms and legs and you have cancer in your eyeballs. And oh yeah, it looks like all of your testosterone is gone.
Man Person: Nooooooo!!!! My testosterone is gone???!!!!!
Turns out the whole women shouldn't use hormone replacement therapy thing is pretty close to bullshit by the way. More on that in an upcoming post I plan on writing called Hey menopause, what the f*ck?
How this relates to hair curling, is that one of the things that can happen during menopause is your hair can go from straight to curly. Or in my case straight to curlyish in the back and sort of just weird in the front. I figured with these random curls that started naturally blossoming from my head all I needed was a diffuser to enter my Hallmark movie life. You can see from the photo above that this is yet another time I was very, very wrong.
This possible menopause thing is probably what's also causing my anxiety. I got it back in February and thought it was because of the health scare I went through. But now that I'm sort of connecting all the dots, it seems like menopause might be the asshead in this scenario.
I gave CBD oil a shot and thought I noticed it helping a little bit, but it's so hard to tell because it takes a while for CBD oil to take effect in your system. I stopped taking the CBD mainly because of the cost and because I really wasn't 100% sure if it was doing very much. A few months later I noticed my anxiety had gotten really bad and I started taking it again it. It does seem to help, but I wouldn't say that CBD is the magic drug it's touted at yet.
That realization led me to meeting my 84 year old mother in the parking lot of my local pot shop. She has a fascination with anything different or interesting so I knew if I told her I was going to the new "drug store" as I call it, she was going to want to go.
I wanted to see if they had some strain of pot or something that would help me calm down before bed and sleep. I'd been waking up relentlessly with panic attacks for months and I was exhausted.
Her bravado ended the minute we had to actually walk through the parking lot and into the small drug den with the cheery yellow "Hello Cannabis!" sign out front. She refused to show the attendant her identification as is required when we walked in. When she realized he really wasn't going to let her in without showing it she basically waved her wallet in front of his face and said There. You saw it. This is stupid.
And just like that my mother had made another friend.
We went in and stared blankly around. It's set up like a 1980's catalogue store with a long counter of sales people ready to grab something from the back for you, and a row of tables down the centre of the room where you can flip through their online catalogue and fill out a request form for whatever you want.
Looking up, I saw my neighbour Wayne behind the counter and he waved us over. Betty was in it now.
I told her to relax. I imagined she was worried someone would see her there, but I reminded her that if they were seeing her, she was also seeing them. That calmed her down some. Once she realized it was a store like any other that she could browse for home accessories in she let loose.
It was quite a mother daughter day. Daughter buying a couple of THC and CBD options for debilitating menopausal anxiety, mother contemplating if 1 or 2 handblown glass pipes would look better as a coffee table accessory.
We put on the THC virtual reality glasses ...
.. and discussed the paintings that were displayed in the outer room. She liked them. Wondered if they had anything to do with pot. Other than the bright colours, they did not.
In the end I had to drag her out of there. My mother liked the new experience. Next month I'm thinking of taking her to visit someone in jail.
Last Tuesday I walked to the grocery store at night with my antique wicker market basket. As one does. If they're an idiot.
I've done it once before and loved how much easier it made walking home with groceries. And also so much more stylish than a regular bundle buggy. I mean I might be going into menopause but I'm not at the bundle buggy stage yet.
Just as I was in the middle of crossing the road at a stoplight, my wheel fell off. Which would have been bad enough. But I didn't really notice it even as I was suddenly scraping my cart across the road. When a spark caught my eye, I looked down and noticed one wheel was back near the sidewalk curb and all that was sticking out from my market basket was a metal axel.
By now the crosswalk light was in that alarming state where it counts down how many seconds you have left before being run over by a car. There wasn't enough time for me to make it to the side I was headed towards so I had to turn around, in the spotlight of everyone's headlights, lift my market basket and hobble my way towards my wheel.
This was all on the way to the grocery store, so I didn't have to worry about getting all the way home on one wheel. The basket was carried to the store where a cashier gave me the one thing that can be used to fix anything. Duct tape.
Wheel attached, groceries purchased, I made my way home with my duct taped cart, reminding myself all the way that if this were a Hallmark movie a handsome lawyer/rancher would have hopped out of his truck to help me with my market basket situation.
And my hair would have been curled.
Jane
Now that's what I want for Christmas: that antique wicker market basket! What a gorgeous piece!
Deb
Hey Karen
Loved this one. I tried a perm ONCE a long time ago. When my deaf two year old ran from the room screaming knew I would never do it again. Haha. Have you thought about a weighted blanket. I was sceptical, but got one in the fall. Was having trouble sleeping through the night, I would wake up and then my head wouldn’t shut off. Anything and everything would be racing through it. Use it regularly for about two weeks to get me back to some kind of regular sleep. Now when the mice start running in my head, I use it again, it seems to have done the trick for me. BTW, I’m 61 and was premenopausal til I was 56 then IT hit. I’m not one for pills (my problem is I forget to take them, so I figure why waste the money). so have gone through IT without anything. Keep up the hilarious posts, I love when I wake up in the morning and get to read you posts.
Maria
I have a lifelong experience with my hair doing weird things on different sides of my head but since menopause, my hair has been curly. It was straight before. Not blossoming curly but a nice full body curly. It's very nice. Sometimes you just deal the hand life gives you though and put down the hair dryer. You got to know when to fold'em. Know when to hold'em. Know when to walk away and when to run. kinda thing.
Anxiety is definitely a thing in menopause. It was for me. The lowest dose of lorazepam worked best. I took it at night right before bed. Since you have this doctor, you could ask her.
Another thing I learned about menopause from Downton Abbey Season One is there is the BIRP. The Biological Imperative to Re Produce. The mom on the show got pregnant with a human during menopause. In your case, I bet it's more baby chicks :)
Val
I heard a very smart herbalist (Guido Masé) about depression/anxiety and he's right on. And when I say "herbalist" I'm not only talking about one particular "herb" although herbalists have been using cannabis for years. Did you realize the root can even be used for pain and it has no THC or CBD. I have a root lineament I was given and it really does work. So.. back to Guido. He said "Depression comes from thinking about your past, Anxiety from thinking about the future". That is why being in the now (moment, present...) is so great. You are in a space of no anxiety or depression just appreciating what is in front of you. (unless you are freaking out about loosing your "wheels" in the middle of the street. I love Hallmark movies, they make it all shinny, bright and perfect for a while. How about some oat straw infusions (tea but it brews longer at a slow simmer). They are very calming and nutritious. (and good for your hair) Horses eat oats and look how good their hair looks :)
Karen
I eat oatmeal every morning! Plus I throw in a handful of my homegrown wheat berries. So I'm covered. :) The anxiety really is due to nothing. I'm not worried about a thing. :/ Although his explanation of depression vs anxiety is brilliant! ~ karen
Kim
I don't have a CBD, market basket or curly hair story but I can offer a more positive meno-story. Age 49, totally out of the blue, not only hot flashes but also COLD flashes (what?...cold flashes?!) and many sleepless nights. I was an RN yet had never heard of cold flashes, but, oh yeah, learned from Dr. Google and my older RN co-workers that they're a thing. Was reluctant to try anything too out there (being a nurse and all) but after four months, decided on black cohosh and after four months of it I was back to my ol' self. That was 10 years ago and nary a hot or cold flash or any other meno-symptom since then. I wish you a short, uneventful menopause – although that would make for less funny blogs.
Lush
OMG!!! I have been having these for ages & had no idea they were related to menopause!!! I get really, really, really cold &have to put on socks, jammies & even a wrap or sweater then go to bed. Only to later have to throw everything off when I come back to "normal" temp.
My health folks have been banging on at me about MP for years but now when I finally started to ask they have become totally disinterested. Frustrating to say the least.
Thank you.
Lush
Wendy
Nick Nolte BRILLIANT ~ I thought you looked like Christopher Lloyd from back to the future. Love Betty, I can’t imagine sitting in Hello Cannabis parking lot, and she has her nose up to the glass inside! To be honest I thought they were dildoes at first.
Karen
LOL!!! I'm sure she'd take a good look at those as well, but no, they were indeed pipes, lol. ~ karen!
Cathy
Although that glass one in back looks like a vaginal speculum
Belinda
Karen, This is the first close up I've seen of your gorgeous skin. My gosh, you Canadian girls age well. I hope you have functional medicine doctors near you. The trio of hormone drops they sell are nothing short of amazing; They are not inexpensive, but you won't have to take them long.
For the hair, have you tried air drying and putting in velcro rollers after a couple of hours? Please don't make fun of me. I offer the suggestion in peace. These rollers work Hallmark Christmas movie scale miracles.
Karen
No! I have terrible skin! Very dry. I started using Dermalogica products about 8 months ago (the serum and a heavy nighttime moisturizer) and I was STUNNED at how well they worked. I had chicken skin on my neck and it's almost 100% gone. I can't pinpoint what it does on my face, but it just evens everything out, lightens dark spots and makes everything more glowy. ~ karen!
Debbie
Your skin does look great. At 60 my skin isn't too bad but don't ask about my eye lids. Have you tried any of the eye products? Inquiring minds want to know.
Cathy
My story: total hysterectomy at age 44, went on hormone replacement therapy—HRT—
Then inexplicably at age 55 they quit working. Next 10 yrs my Doc and I tried all sorts of doses, patches, and creams. Finally settled on what I’m told is a quite high dose of estrogen but I still had some hot flashes. Mild ones but not totally gone. But at least the crying stopped and I was finally convinced that other people didn’t hate me nor were they trying to get me fired. Insomnia reared it’s ugly head but I soldiered one. Retired now, age 68 moved 2300 miles from hometown with my Fella to the desert. New doc, says my problem is likely vascular, not hormonal. I cut dosage in half then 12/1 greed to stop completely for 3 months. Does the fact I’m typing this very personal info to you, a stranger, at 3:30 am Az time for even more strangers to read seem odd? Did I mention I’ve had 2 hot flashes since I began typing this? Have I mentioned how jealous I am my Fella (and dog) are enjoying blissful REM sleep? Well I’ve got news, sister, YA CANT FIRE ME FOR BEING RETIRED!! So there. Oh wait, did I just yell? Sorry.
Trish
I couldn’t take it and got the bio identical pellets inserted. Every 12 weeks! Good luck.
Lora
What amazed me was the utter lack of discussion from my OB. I hadn’t been in two years - was pretty much “done” and she says - “well, you’re done with M.” No questions about symptoms, not even a fake look of concerned interest. When I asked her about my sex is I need redesign to go to a second sex class. Ummm - no I do dont. I left - literally in tears. I was so eager to hear the medical side of the side of this experience only to be told to go to a class..? She was young. I hope she gets more support when she goes through it.
Heather
Hi Karen,
You are so funny! I love reading your posts, you surely do not look 47, you hardly have any wrinkles at all.
You could try and get some Theonine for your anxiety. It is totally toxic free, natural and has no side effects. My 80 year old mother-in-law (with dementia) lived with us for nearly 3 years and she suffered from anxiety which got worse with each passing year. It did my head in ! I got on google and discovered Theonine, it is an extract from green tea without any of the bad things, and it really works! I tell people about it all the time, my son takes it when he has something big coming up and my husband should be taking it but doesn't. I don't need it haha.
Ann
I was just about to suggest L-theonine. It's supposed to be wonderful for anxiety.
Karen
I'll look into it Heather, thanks! ~ karen
Marguerite Floyd
I love you, Karen! You always give me a good laugh and inspiration.
Re menopause -- it'll pass. Just hold on until it does.
Julie Anne
You’re the best. Thanks for all laughs.
Judith
You seem too young for menopause but I’m surely wrong. I was 47 and convinced I was dying. But it was only good old menopausal symptoms.
It was as if my entire system went out of whack. My thyroid wigged out, my face fell in, my hair went wonky and I kept fainting. I took hormones and started bleeding in all the wrong places. I couldn’t sleep through the night either. The only part I enjoyed was the hot flashes because I was always cold from my thyroid issues. Suddenly I was so freaking hot. I loved it. I asked my dr. Why this was all happening at once and he said “ well Mother Nature never intended humans to live this long. Breeding years are over so your body is just shutting down.” I was 47! Now I feel fine but it was ugly for about four years.
So welcome to the crones club. It does get better.
Jani Wolfe
You are so frigging funny!! Had a sad day, all day, so reading this made me forget my sorrows. I laughed so hard that I peed myself and had to jump off the chair before it went through my jeans.
Thank you so much for getting me out of my funk. I really needed it and you came through like the trooper that you are.
Karen
Thanks Jani! I'm happy to go through any medical crises and hair torture to lift your spirits. :) ~ karen!
suzanne
The anxiety was horrible!!!!! Worse than the hot flashes. It will get better. Give me ALL THE HORMONES! I'm hoping you share your research on the topic as it's scary and contradicting. Good luck to you and see you on the post menopausal side. Your mother is adorable.
Kay
Fantastic! When you find out how these Hallmark peeps get their teeth so white that they glow in the dark, please let us know. Don’t get me going on “When Calls the Heart”! I was merrily watching it until I realized how perfect the teeth, hair and makeup was out in the Klondike wilderness of the 1800’s.
Elida Zamarron
Is Nick Nolte still there... I miss him..........
OMG!!! I pee'd myself reading this.....ROFL
SuzyWyz
I have found that a paper clip works really well when the wheel falls off. In fact my cart still has that same paper clip. As far as the farmer goes, his high school girlfriend came to town and right now they’re in the middle of trying to save Christmas. 🤷🏻♀️
Wendy Thomson
I’ve always had difficult hair. But, when I reached menopause to my amazement my hair started to curl. But, true to form it only curled in clumps, here and there on my head. After years of trying to deal with it I’ve now resorted to getting a perm a couple of times a year. So, thank you for your confession, I’ve told people this and always get a bug eyed look of disbelief.
Marilyn Meagher
Hahahahahahahahahah. Too much.
Karen
Yeah, it was quite a week. You should have seen me dragging my market basket into the store, lol. ~ karen!