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And ANOTHER Thing About a Brazilian Wax!
There is absolutely no predicting people. People who read DIY blogs, this one in particular, are as unpredictable as a cat in a butterfly conservatory. If someone were to run into any single one of you they'd probably think you were a perfectly respectable person at first glance. A stand up citizen who refills their gas tank before it gets below ¼ of a tank and who wears different underwear every single day.
But you're not. You're a bunch of teenage boys. A gaggle of pimply faced, adolescent teens, standing in front of the mirror looking at the 4 hairs on your upper lip which look exactly like the 4 hairs on the upper lip of your younger sister, only you've put a little mascara on yours to make them look more lush. Which will attract all kinds of praise while you hold your place in line for the next Star Wars movie.
A few weeks ago I ran out of things to talk about so I posed a vocabulary question to you in a well researched and articulated post where I talked about pee pees.
Here's a picture of a kitten for those of you who are getting uncomfortable.
A lot of you get my posts by email. Every time I publish a new post, it immediately pops into your inbox. I can judge how much interest a post has generated based on how many of you open that email and then how many of you click on it to read it further.
You, the mothers, the wives, the daughters, the fathers, the uncles and brothers clicked on the pee pee post more than almost any other post in a year. So even though you claim to be interested in the more highbrow topics I offer such as The Frozen Yogourt Tampon you actually just want to learn everything you can about wieners.
The post, in case you somehow missed it, was a linguistic experiment of sorts, requiring readers to state what terms they use to describe a certain male body part. Like all of my posts, it was done in a most grown up and tasteful way which was instantly recognizable by the fact that I only used the word gonorrhoea once.
I also had a record number of people opt out of receiving my informative emails after the pee pee post was published, which is GREAT because it means you and I can continue to be fun and laugh and build things and make fart jokes without worrying about any people with actual standards trying to stop us from educating ourselves on topics of global importance like why getting a full Brazilian wax means you'll never be able to muffle your toots.
It's a well known fact that Brazilian waxes (distinguishable from regular waxes by the Brazilian waxer's calling card, a crown made out of pubic hair ) involve removing all the bodily hair that runs between your chin and your toes. Front and back. Yes, that includes the anus. You probably didn't realize that those hairs serve, especially for ladies, a very important sanitary purpose.
When a lady expels gas from her bum hole, those anus hairs gather together and form a loving, hairy, sound muffling hug around what has the potential to be an embarrassing bodily noise. The hazy, wind blowing out of her bum at 7 mph can only be blamed on her husband, cat, dog or boss who happens to be standing beside her in the elevator if, and ONLY IF she can muffle the sound.
Once unceremoniously ripped up from the gas belching volcanus they've been guarding since adolescence, there's nothing left to do their job. Those hairs that have been stoically muting your lady wind chamber are forever released from their duties, or at least until new ones grow back. Without so much as a thank you or an excuse me.
While most people have a difficult time distinguishing where sounds come from; Is that my cell phone ringing or yours?, Is someone at the front door? Is that the television or are you talking to your mother again? humans have an uncanny ability to pinpoint exactly which bum a wind tornado escaped out of. I suspect it's some sort of primal instinct dating back to when cavemen first tried out the pull my finger joke on their wives.
I just thought it was important to let you know about the potentially embarrassing side effects of a Brazilian wax for anyone who was thinking of getting a Brazilian wax because you think *hair* is embarrassing. At least this way you'll be prepared for what's to come and might even be able to look into low cost solutions like little wearable anal wigs or something of the sort. Putting a shredded wheat down there might even do the job.
It is unfortunate that we lost a few of our ever growing members but we can all take solace in the fact that they are currently mortified in an elevator surrounded by a cloud of green gas with nobody to blame but themselves.
Have a good weekend!
p.s. that oughtta get rid of the last of them.
Louise
Well, this article should certainly lure the prim and proper crowd back!
Jani
Karen...you have out done yourself once again! Ta ta bye bye to all the weenie haters. I read every single one and laughed so hard!! Yes I have been told that I have a sick sense of humor and because of it that is what makes me so lovable!! Plus there is never a dry eye when I get on a roll and my mouth has a severe case of diarrhea. Have some funny shit stories....maybe you can have a "go" on diarrhea next!!
Sonya Huss
All I can think of now is the shredded wheat man from the commercials, yelling, "Pull my finger!"
Tina
All I can think of is walking around with a shredded wheat clenched between my ass cheeks...and how much it would chaff to walk!
Teri
Leave? Not bloody likely! Where else could I learn about volcanus? And anal wigs? You are a wealth of information m'dear, not to mention side splitting laughter.
Please carry on regardless.
Lisa
I needed that as we hit heat-wave number 3 here. Have images of using possum fur instead of shredded wheat. :-)
Teri
No, no, please save possum fur for my favourite socks. Which we desperately need just now in the great white north.
Lisa
You send us some of your cold and I'll send you some of our heat (42celius here on Sunday!). Eeeeeeek.
judy
`I can be a teeny bit prudish-hey I raised three raucous rowdy teenage boys and Mom had to act as though vulgarity was indicative of a lack of vocabulary and good taste even while laughing my A*ss off at a lot of their conversations. Some of the sneaking out to field parties with huge bonfires and kegs left me convinced they would all spend their adult lives behind bars or at Bars....but they made it to adulthood and they still do not swear around Mom, so a small-ish victory. I love your irreverence and the fact you are a Lady Canadian-all of whom I am convinced are never rude crude or mean. Could we Americans camp out in Canada until the next Election? You may think I'm joking with that request but I guarantee you I would prefer a cardboard box in the Land of the Sane to this rerun of Orwell's 1984. Faithful Follower...........................Scared fartless in America...
Louise
Yup, I feel your pain, Judy!
Tina
I'd like a neighboring cardboard box, please.
Meg
I do believe Karen's next post should be "how to glam up a cardboard box using half a shredded wheat"! Make room for me!
Annette
I, too, would like one.
Mary W
We could start a TV show on designing stylish, cardboard box homes.
Jenifer
I was thinking the SAME thing! I'd be OK with the cardboard box as long as there was wi-fi and a space heater. Canada looks better and better every day...and Karen proves it! :)
This American needs your humor more every day. (I try to shop at Amazon via your store so I hope that helps! Sorry you lost people but you still have very faithful followers!!) :)
Karen
Oh I'm not worried about losing anyone. :) And thanks for using my Amazon links. Every bit helps to ensure I can continue to bring you stories about chickens, gardening and anal wigs. ~ karen!
janpartist
If she says we can come, I'm all over finding my cardboard box!!!
Audrey
We may run out of cardboard boxes here in Manitoba if the rate of refugees walking over the North Dakota border to seek safe haven here continues..69 in the last three weeks.
Paula
I haven't passed on anything, especially not the chicken stuff :) I added two Blacks Copper Marans pullets 2 weeks ago!
Nicole
I don't think I'll ever look at shredded wheat the same way again.
Raymonde
Or little anal wigs...
Lisa
Is that what he has on his head?
Louise
LOL! Hmmm. . . . who are you talking about? ;-)
Lisa, Lisa, someone will be mad and say you're unfair.
Lisa
The possum of course! Haven't you ever looked at them closely - shock of stuff on top of their head ;-)
Sue
Now I know where it came from!
Mary W
That got a huge laugh and spurt of coffee! Good job! Wish it wasn't so true.
Kath
Volcanus!! Help me!
I'm laughing and I can't get up!
Judy
And here I just ate a bowl of shredded wheat and didn't have even a half of one left, not that I need it. I love us bawdy women.
Shirley Curtis
Never stop! your sense of humour is the best! I never know what I will be reading about next! Anal wigs!!!
Sue
I don't know why farts are so entertaining! I can't even say fart aloud without giggling. And, reading your posts just bring out the guffaws . . .
Sandra
Farts shouldn't be! It's N. America that's made a fart "funny or embarrassing". We're the ones who teach our kids that. I knew a woman from S. American who farted w/o care - it's normal. And kids fart w/o care, until they're taught. It's a shame that it can take years to be able to fart within hearing of your spouse. What a relief when you finally can. lol
Kathy
Those of us who follow.... follow. I may pass on some of the chicken stuff, but not the fun stuff. Still here, and plan on staying for a l-o-n-g time!
TONI
YOU'VE GOT TO GO ON ELLEN AND DO STAND UP ...... HER RATINGS ARE AWESOME BUT YOU' WOULD BLOW THIER MINDS, GIRL !! BESIDES SHE COULD DO WITH YOUR WINDY HUMOUR TO BOLSTER HER SCREWBALL STYLE .... MY GOD, WHAT A PAIR !
MrsChrisSA
Ag I still dig your posts, so sorry for you, I am here to stay!
Robert
Brazilian wax is still a thing??? Or did it just come back after the vajazzling, merking and fancy hair dyes of a few years ago?
A fascinating thing your blog Karen
Mary Edmondson
You'll have to do a whole lot better than this before I abandon your blog. You are a hoot! Don't ever change.
Lois Baron
You're never getting rid of me.
"Little wearable anal wigs" . . . surely you hear me crashing into furniture as I roll on the floor laughing.
Laura
hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha
Jenny W
Yup, that part got me too!! I'm sticking around, cause Karen's Funny as Hell :)
Tiffany
It was the shredded wheat that got me. What a hoot, or do I mean toot? Oh Karen, what will she think of next?
Sandra
That actually makes a "bit" of sense. Agh, it would grow and get mushy. Noooo!
Courtney
We need to come up with a name for them. Merkins have been around for centuries (look them up!)
Michelle
To 2 too funny
Ella
You will also dribble down your thigh when you pee because there is nothing to whisk it away....unless you spread and push ;)
Sandra
Oh, come on, nothing stops the dribble except a panty liner!!
Debbie from Illinois
True!