Dear men,
The ladies and I are going to discuss lady things today. And quite frankly I don't think you men are woman enough to deal with it. So please enjoy this video of a Monster Truck rally while we discuss Diva Cups.
Years ago I was wandering around my local health food store looking for cheese making supplies. The store is in a very old building in town complete with creaky wooden floors. It's the kind of place that, even though it isn't very big, you can't help but wander around. It feels serene, and calm and cozy being in amongst all the bins of coconut flour and raw nuts.
This particular day there was no music playing in the store and the only sounds were the shuffling of feet, the sound of scoops hitting the bins and those wonderful creaking wood floors.
And of course my screaming. My top of the lungs, tonsil revealing, primal screech.
You see, as I was wandering the aisle of essential oils and organic soaps I came across a site so shocking that a bunch of terror got all mangled and twisted inside of me until it forced its way out through my mouth in the form of a scream. A scream was better than a massive toot I suppose.
What I saw was the Diva Cup for the very first time. It had to be 12 years ago and these were not well known. I learned they were one of apparently many brands of "Menstrual Flow cups". Now, I had no idea these things existed and I can assure you my scream wasn't a scream of excitement. It was a scream of horror.
Table of Contents
What is a Diva Cup?
Staring me in the face was a clear silicone cup that was meant to be pushed up your hoo hoo and extracted when it was full of your womanly deposits. Basically you're turning yourself into a human Dixie Cup dispenser, only instead of water or Kool Aid the Dixie cup is filled with the blood of your menstrual flow.
It looks like the nipple of an overbred dog.
I immediately thought it would make a great post topic but couldn't bring myself to buy the thing. I just couldn't.
Fast forward to 2014 when I heard a couple of people, for some reason, mentioned they had used and loved the Diva Cup. I found this hard to believe, what with it being a silicone cup that held your period blood like a cherry cordial.
So I went out and bought myself a Diva Cup. I did so without screaming, all in the name of science.
The benefits of the Diva Cup are the low cost of $32 for almost a lifetime of use. They were $25 when I first tried it in 2014 by the way. So that's about the price of a few boxes of tampons/pads. Even though they're made from silicone which does not ever, ever biodegrade, the makers still claim it's better for the environment than flushing/disposing of the thousands of bleached tampons we go through in our lifetime.
Read this post on the only kind of toilet paper to use if you need a reminder on why you shouldn't flush tampons by the way.
Welcome to my menstrual Diva Cup adventure.
This is how it all went down.
Just days after buying my Diva Cup I felt that tiny little cramp in my gut letting me know I was a grown up lady woman.
Turns out I had just eaten too much Shepherd's Pie. But two days later the cramps were back and the main event was on its way.
Since inserting the Diva Cup involves pushing it into yourself with your fingers, I wanted to make sure I got in there before my fingers came out covered in uterine lining. So into the bathroom I went, armed with the Diva Cup, a full sheet of instructions and very clean hands.
How to Use a Diva Cup
To insert the silicone cup you roll it up until it's small enough to fit. There are two sizes. One for women under 30 and one for women over 30. The over 30 cup is bigger. I'm assuming the makers figure at that age we're so stretched out down there you could drive a train though us because these cups are BIG. Intimidatingly so.
But I rolled it up and got it where it's supposed to be. Once you get it up there you grab the base of the cup and twist it 360 degrees. This ensures it's fully open and suctioned to your insides. I managed to accomplish this on my first try and was desperate to tell someone about it but there wasn't anyone around.
Would you like to save this stuff?
We'll email you this post, so you can refer to it later.
I wasn't terribly worried about losing it up there but that seems to be a fear for a lot of women. Not to worry. It won't get lost.
So there it was. The Diva Cup. In my vagina. Wayyyy up in my vagina. Turns out the Diva Cup is actually more comfortable to wear than a tampon.
Why? Because it stays in place.
Have you ever noticed that after wearing a tampon for a while it tends to decide it'd like a good look at the world? It slowly starts working its way down towards the door until it's just a strong sneeze away from flying out of you.
The Diva Cup doesn't do that. It's obedient. The Diva Cup stays where the Diva Cup is put. More on that later. You really can't feel it at all. There's no itching, or pulling or attempts at escape.
So far so good with the Diva Cup. Did I mention it has handy measurements on the side of it you can see exactly how much fluid is in there? Because it does. Incredibly useful for anyone who likes to keep track of how many ounces of blood they shed a month. These are probably the same people who keep their scabs in a jar and have a laminated bowel movement chart.
You can wear the Diva Cup for 12 hours at a time at which point you have to take it out ... and empty the reservoir. This is where the Diva Cup lost me. Removal was difficult. Very difficult. I'm sure it gets easier with time but it was slightly painful and kind of like pulling a turkey out of your nostril.
In fact, when it finally popped off I’m pretty sure my nose whistled.
But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was emptying the blood streaked cup of woman goo into the bathroom sink and rinsing it out.
I know this is where a lot of you will be thinking "How awful for Karen that she's so out of touch with her womanness that such a thing bothers her. A woman's period blood is a miracle of life to be revered and marvelled at.".
I know there are those of you thinking this because that's exactly how other women who reviewed the Diva Cup describe the experience as. They liked the cup dumping. It fascinated them. You know what fascinates me? Magic Tricks.
I couldn't bring myself to put the cup in again and instead put it back in the box and slipped it to the back of the cupboard.
The one other caveat to the Diva Cup that even those who love it say is an issue, is public restrooms. If you need to empty your cup while at the mall or your favourite local restaurant you'll need to dump the cup in the toilet, pull up your pants, get yourself back together with one hand because the other hand will be holding the blood stained Diva Cup.
Once you're back together you'll need to dart to the sink and wash out your cup in the public restroom sink, all the while your face getting hot and your pits getting sweaty worried that someone will wander into the bathroom to a horror show.
Is your cup rinsed? Good. Now it's back into the stall to reinsert the Diva Cup.
I just couldn't handle it. But I have to say there are many of you who will be able to handle it. You'll think it's great and life changing like the other women on the Internet. Like the 10,000 people who reviewed the Diva Cup on Amazon with almost 5 stars. The women who say they couldn't live without it.
To you I say, you're more woman than I. I have no doubt you also would have handled donating blood far better than I did. It's a bit blurry but as far as I remember my blood donation involved a prayer circle and a stretcher. You can read about that proud moment in my life here.
Do I recommend the Diva Cup? Yes. That probably surprises you but it just wasn't for me. I know it wasn't for me because I got gaggy and almost fainted. So there's that. I know that other women won't be bothered by it at all.
And to you women I have one more thing to say. Please don't try to change my mind. Please don't try to convince me I didn't give it enough of a shot. Much like Brussels sprouts, it won't matter how many times I try it ... I'm never going to acquire a taste for menstrual cups.
As luck would have it I am currently moving out of my Diva Cup years and into my coffee cup flying across the room and exploding into shards as it hits the wall because I can't sleep and am so tired years.
I resisted the urge to use my Diva Cup as a change purse and eventually threw it out.
I now buy my cheese making supplies online.
Cedar
Not really interested in trying the diva/dixie cup experience but I just had to say you had me laughing till I cried with this blog. The tampon shooting example, pure genius. You are a wonderful write and have found your calling. Please continue to make the world a better place with a few laughs!!!
Karen
Thanks Cedar! I was quite motived to hilarity by the topic. ~ karen!
Zee
note to self* DO NOT drink anything while reading these posts and comments. Otherwise you will end up soaking your computer with the liquid you just drank, due to hilarious gut busting laughter! I can totally agree, relate, and feel for you. I am in the same boat here. And let me tell you it made it all the more funny that your description of the over bred dog teet happened to be right below an ad for Chewy (thank you ad spy ware)
I dont know what I laughed more at; the post itself or the comments!! Thank you I so needed a good laugh!
Ash. M
I'm a lap swimmer, and for whatever reason, menstrual cups are a lot less distressing to me than tampons. That said, the first time I used it, I managed to suction cup my nether regions in a very scream-inducing way. Also, as soon as it was available, I switched to the Bloody Buddy, which in spite of the horrific name is much better designed and more comfortable.
Bonnie White
These things are the best! It does take a bit to get used to using it, but I change it in the morning and evening so I don't have to deal with the public restroom issue. Or you can just find a handicapped washroom. Everyone should use this to stop all of the waste that is generated from menstrual products! That alone is a huge reason to use it! It's also amazing when you are travelling so you don't have to lug products around! Just try it ladies! So convenient and saves you a lot of money too!!!!!!!!!
Karen
Yes, well, I grow all of my own food so that'll be my major contribution to reducing my carbon footprint, lol. ~ karen!
Tonya
Okay so your review dissuaded me from trying it but the reviews convinced me to give it a go. I have two daughters so I will get each of them one as well.
Couple of notes:
Ladies, DO NOT FLUSH TAMPONS! I am so surprised to read so many of you are / were flushing used tampons. If you are intelligent enough to know how to read and write, you should already know better!
Second, the vaginal cavity is not a "sterile environment" so you (for the most part) do not need to worry about bacteria from your fingers unless you have just given birth or have been participating in wild and crazy bedroom games that have left you with open wounds and require healing (Judgement Free Zone here).
Last, (as others have pointed out) why on EARTH would you dump in the sink? The one where you likely brush your teeth? You should definitely dump it in the toilet. This makes no sense.
Beth
Diva Cup stories are the best stories. I cannot stop from snorting and crying in hysterical laughter when I hear them. While I was reading your post, the windows were open and I could hear my neighbour working outside. I was afraid they were going to come check on me because my uncontrollable cry-laughter - trying to contain myself just made it worse. The only thing funnier to read online is reviews for epilators. Those make my stomach hurt.
My top three Diva cup stories:
3) Most recent mishap, after 15 years of using the Diva Cup. I believed my vagina had finally eaten it. It was one of the last days of my cycle so I hadn't removed it in a while. I couldn't feel it, I was bearing down, searching around. NO SIGN OF IT! While I was imagining the embarrassment of going to a clinic and cleaning up, I noticed it was sitting on the edge of the counter. Apparently I had removed it during the middle of the night and didn't remember.
2) I was travelling in Morocco (remember travelling and fun happened?!) and was camping on the edge of the desert. I had to sneak away to find a spot to do my business (no bathroom) and mid-empty I slipped (pesky sand) and fell down a sand dune. Sandy disaster. I swear the camels were laughing at me.
1) First-time user - these are always the most chaotic. I thought my uterus had magically sucked up the Diva Cup. I beared down, squatting on the bathroom floor until I could reach the little grip then quickly removed it without considering the fact that it was a cup filled with liquid. It looked like a crime scene. And it was not my bathroom.
Cheers to all of the Diva Cup adventures!
Karen
🤣 ~ karen!
Em D
Shame on you. That ship has long left my port, but I never want to miss the "in" thing (um figuratively, I guess)...so I had to read this post. And then the post was so great, I had to read the comments, because funny people attract funny people and I knew there was GREAT stuff here. But I was also coloring my hair at the time, and I was so engrossed (as well as grossed, tbh), that when my timer went off I didn't want to go rinse that junk out; I just wanted to keep reading.
So now I don't know if I will end up with striped hair (because I am low-lighting) or not. But I guess the shame will be on me: first because I will have ffed up my hair, and second, because I love your posts and should have known better. Bravo!
Karen
Sorry. It's all my fault.🤣 ~ karen!
Melissa MacMichael
I'm with you, sister. 100%
Erin P
I’m with you! I bought a different brand than the Diva cup and tried it...once. Not for me. Also, Brussel sprouts, not for me.
Very entertaining post though, thanks for yet another laugh!
Tina
I’m well beyond those days, I wish I had these way back then. I would have had 2 of them, one to replace the used one so I could prepare myself before the washing out. But I wonder why others don’t just pour it out in the toilet. Seriously? The sink? Ick! Especially in a public bathroom! But never mind, as I said, it’s immaterial.
LAURA OVERTURF
Major snort! Best laugh all week. Also tried sea sponges.
Yay for menopause!
PEGGY RIDGE
OMG This is frickin hilarious! Thank you!
Lisa
I’m with you- I also struggled with mine. Too uncomfortable to get in and out.. I now use period pants - modibodi. Much better!
Deja View
You’re so funny! I’m in the “hells to the NO” camp on this one. We expressly did not have children so we could guiltlessly indulge in a few environmentally unfriendly luxuries like maxi pads. We figure if we’re not adding 1-8 new people to the Earth, we can get a little more rowdy with the disposables when it really matters. And this really matters. The last thing I need at that time of the month is another pain in the hoo hoo.
Ki
I need to try this again. I could never get it to work properly. I switched to cloth pads awhile back and have found they cut my period mysteriously in half (magic?). But I could never get the cup to work properly. I think I'm ready to give it another try after all these helpful descriptions!
Deja View
Hey Ki- based on your excellent grammar and spelling, and the fact that you’ve had time to come to the Diva Cup, try cloth pads and consider going back to the Diva Cup, I’m guessing your not in your 20s. These are advanced, thoughtful decisions. Just thinking maybe the flow cutting in half is more due to the natural course of things as we age than the cloth pads, bc....how do your insides know they’re cloth?
Jennifer
Oh. My. God.
Thank you for this - I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that had this experience. I really, really wanted it to work - so much so that when I had trouble with the first brand I tried (I never could get it to seat itself correctly) I bought a DIFFERENT brand so I could try again. And it worked! I loved it! Just like your experience, It fit great, couldn't tell it was there. I loved it for about 6 hours, at which point I decided I wanted to go to bed. But, morning would put me after my 12 hour mark, probably closer to 18 hours, really.
I couldn't get it out. I pinched it all sorts of ways and twisted in others, but eventually had to resort to just pulling the mother f'ing thing out of there. Your comment relating it to a turkey was probably a fairly accurate description of my efforts to get that thing loose. I think it was 45 minutes before I could get it pulled from my body, with interesting sound effects. At that point I gathered both versions and tossed 'em.
Thank you for the laughs!
Brenda
Been using this exact brand for 10 years and wouldn't go back! The first time I tried it, it was uncomfortable so I shelved it, then tried again about a year later and it worked great. Like others, I dump into the toilet and I use the pH balanced soap that the company also sells to wash it with (a bottle will last me a year or more). Usually only empty it in the morning and then when once before bed. I think I've had to do the public bathroom thing once and just wiped it with toilet paper and then re-inserted - which I think is what the directions recommended.
Also - ladies this is now sold in U.S. Target stores! Not just the "natural health" places.
Wished this was around when I was a teenager so I didn't have to freak out about how to toss used products when I was at friend's houses. I was sure a pet dog or cat was going to drag my used pad out of their bathroom trash. Being young is hard enough without that humiliation!