This is the story of Edgar the Spider. A Halloween tale . Get under a blanket, turn the lights off and prepare to be afraid. It's a Halloween tradition around here.
Sunday morning I woke up and declared it pajama day. I did this out loud, to my cats, while sitting cross legged on the couch with my morning coffee. Both cats gave their sign of approval by completely ignoring me. Perfect. Pajama day it was then. For the next hour or so I flipped through the small stack of decorating magazines that had been growing on my coffee table since August. By the time I got to the pumpkin heavy October issue of Country Living I realized I hadn't done my Halloween decorating yet. How fortuitous. Pajama day would be the perfect day to do it.
Mainly this is because although I love pajama day, I don't love sit around and do nothing day. It makes me feel sad and useless. Like a hotdog with no mustard.
So after my second cup of coffee I walked out to the kitchen declaring it Three Cups of Coffee morning with my cup held high above my head like a Viking. Again the cats didn't object, although one of them questioned me on whether or not Vikings held coffee cups over their heads.
Reaching up onto the shelf where I keep my coffee cups I noticed something barely moving on the countertop. I put my cup down and took a closer look AT WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE THE BIGGEST SPIDER I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
Just kidding. It was a tiny thing.
Normally I'd kill that spider no matter how tiny it was, but that day I didn't. I'd found a centipede in the bathroom a few nights earlier and figured I'd spare the spider, starve it out for a few days and hope that it would get hungry enough to eat a centipede 12 time its size should one wander past it.
I should mention that I killed the bathroom centipede. I killed it a lot. It was only little as well but that's no reason to not kill it a lot.
I should also mention the spider we are now speaking of is Edgar. Edgar my spider friend.
After the hullabaloo with Edgar, I stirred my coffee, tapped the spoon on the edge of the sink and made my way down to the basement. It isn't the prettiest basement but it has two advantages over pretty, finished basements; a) it's an entire floor where I can store things and b) it's so scary most kids would rather do anything than go down there. This makes for some very productive days when kids visit. As in "Would you like to clean the toilet, the weird gunk under the taps and the weird gunk in the eavestroughs ... or get me a single potato out of the basement?" 9 kids out of 10 choose the weird gunk. The other kid is still in the basement.
Even though it's a fairly big basement it's not quite big enough to accommodate all of my addictions. Between holiday decorations, power tools, scrap wood, seed starting lights, maple syrup equipment, silk screening junk and the stuff for various other hobbies and habits, there isn't much room for maneuvering. I found a spot on the workbench to set my coffee down while I started to move some things around so I could get to the shelves filled with my Halloween decorations. Other than a few wreaths and feather boas, everything is stored on shelves in Rubbermaid bins. That's on account of the great mouse incident of '98.
I put my hand up towards the top Rubbermaid bin, my fingers barely long enough to just grasp the edge of it. Standing high up on my toes, I was finally able to grip the top of the bin to pull it towards me. With a crunching sound my ring finger came down on something crispy. Figuring it was a leaf or piece of straw I didn't think anything of it.
I don't know why I was so stupid. I mean, you're not. You knew right away it wasn't a leaf or a piece of straw, didn't you? I on the other hand, had no idea.
Placing the bin down on the floor I could see a little scribble of something on the lid of the bin. I looked closer and then jumped way, way back when I realized what it was. What my finger had come down and squished on that Rubbermaid lid.
A 2 inch long, dried up centipede. And 3 of his friends.
I can't really describe the sound that came out of my mouth that day but if you really find it necessary to imagine it, I'd say imagine something between dry heaving and a snowblower.
I looked around desperately for Edgar but he was still upstairs and after a good 10 minutes of ageing, still just a baby. He couldn't help me. These centipedes looked like they were bred in a nuclear reactor, a proton pack wouldn't have helped me.
Thankfully for whatever reason they were dead, (being they were found in my scary basement all fingers point to dying of fright) but the centipede from the other day was proof they were some that were still alive, still breeding, and possibly mutants.
Also I had 3 centipede legs stuck to the tip of my ring finger, so there was that.
All of this added up to running out of the basement and cleaning the toilet instead that day. And the gutters and the gunk. Also I've been feeding Edgar regularly. Protein shakes mainly.
So that, is why this blogger didn't decorate for Halloween this year. And why she might not decorate for Christmas, Valentine's Day or Easter. And why she's likely to run out of maple syrup and screen printed tea towels in the next year or so.
Turns out the kids were right. That basement's a scary place. I'm sure in the next week or so I'll muster up the courage to go down there and clean things up. It's been a while since I've played around with my hazmat suit and valium anyway. It might be fun.
In the meantime, Edgar and I talked it over. How we can get the centipedes under control until he gets bigger. This was Edgar's suggestion.
Edgar's got a surprisingly agile sense of humour for a spider.
Happy Halloween everyone.
judy
I was already chuckling as I was reading this-because Spiders are the bain of my existence. We are old ones in the rancher(hate ranchers) of distressed knees and general fatigue and our abode is ground ZERO of the Arachnids Versus the Humanoids......No matter how many times I walk around this house, broom weapon in hand and brush off the forest of Webbing,huge dead Bugs,also thousands of little gnat things and the BAGS of new Armies of Spider Soldiers ................THEY COME BACK!!!!!! Are they immortal? Mutants? Can they get into the house in the dead of night and repay me for my feeble attempts at genocide? Should we move? Back to the point of this (why do old people go on and on so? ) I got to laughing so hard at the Spider version of Karen....I feared a heart stoppage..............I would have died raucously Happy and that's the way to go!
Mary W
I once lived in a rental that was completely overrun with 5-6" wolf spiders that came in from the orange grove. At night you can see their eyes green in reflected light. I killed and killed but had to shake out my shoes in the morning since they liked to hide in the daylight. Now, 60 years later, I found that spiders love dark moist holes and your mouth is perfect. So while I thought there was no way I could have eaten one, I now realize several probably (for sure) did crawl in. 60 years later, I'm still horrified at that thought.
Mary C
I live in MN and the wolf spiders are one of the biggest we get. Thought I would have a heart attack first time I saw one. They basically are a MN tarantula since we don’t have too many huge spiders. (See, winter is good for some things, sends the bugs back to hell.)
Catherine Vosper
Awesome hilarious blog....you are great and I look forward to all of your postings!
lisa
Have you tried sticky traps for the centipedes? You could put them on top of the container lids.
And a dehumidifier might help too.
We had them in my college apartment, I feel your pain.
Karen
I think I might have tried sticky traps years ago but not lately. Maybe I will give them a go. I'm not opposed to lethal and possibly illegal poisons either. ~ karen!
jainegayer
Do spiders eat centipedes? I HATE centipedes! I once saw a centipede in my bedroom right before I went to bed and the damn thing skittered away before I could smash it (sorry Shana). I had to sleep in the guest room that night because I was so terrified that it would crawl on me during the night. I don't think I can eat my breakfast now thinking about them in your basement, Karen. 3 big ones all together. You know there must be lots of others down there. I think I need some xanax. And yes, you should write a book.
Denise
LOL knew there'd be a great story behind the pic. It's worth my first glimpse on ig before bed the other night. Even though I had various strange dreams. :)
Joslynne
Love it…love it…love it…that goes for the post and costume, of course!!!
Judy Beeksma
OMG! I am a faithful reader of this absolutely amazing blog and I don't normally leave comments! But when I saw the suggestion of you writing a book...Well, I could not leave that alone! You. Have. To. Write. A. Book. Please! I love your stories and Edgar is one of the best ones yet! Thanks for so much enjoyment that I get when your posts come to my inbox! Judy!
Heather
You so made my day!
Deb Brennan
Laughing out loud for 10 continuous minutes at 6 a.m. is something to behold, and the best way to start the day. Also annoying the crap out of my 16 year old teenage girl when she is getting up to go swim for her highschool team, has its benefits too, especially when her father is driving her. When she heard me, she said " Mom...it's 6 a.m.!!!!!" ( It pains her to see me having a good time when she's not)
Because she wants to be a journalist, I'm going to insist that she reads your blog, and when she does, she'll beg me to get her out of bed early when I discover there's a new one in my inbox. I'm going to share with all my glum friends, and then read it at least 10 more times today. :)
Steph
Just wonderful, crazy wonderful. Discovered your blog a couple of months ago & love it. You are a woman after my own heart - garden, chooks & DIY everything!! Yes, definitely a book.
Jenny W
That costume! A testament to black legging wearing' women everywhere :)
TucsonPatty
I'm snorting at "snot bubble emoji" and laughing at poor Shana's dead nipple and then I remembered the "thing" going round the internet - "I found a spider in the bathtub this morning, so I got a tissue and very carefully...Burned The House Down! Now I'm remembering the other story about your centipedes, Karen. It is all giving me the heebie jeebies. I love me some Halloween, but this gets to me. Touching them, oh, my!
Lavacha
If Edgar brings you prey as a present, he's reached adulthood and fell in love with you, karen. I'll name my doorframe spider Edgar - end of Oktober, the only time I get compliments for my 'realistic Halloween decoration' = laziness, until the spider moves... 'he's just waving at you' ;)
Alex
I read a lot. A lot of books, newspapers (yes, old fashioned smudgy newspapers) and a few blogs. You need to write a book. You. Need. To. Write. A. BOOK. Autobiography, novel, I don't care. Just please, before you die, write a book.
Judi wigren
Yes Karen. You do. Need to write a book. Now. Have you read Cheryl Strayed as Sugar on The Rumpus or her Tiny, Beautiful Things? Read her. You are a cleaner Canadian Version, not virgin, version. Now get crackin.
Deb Brennan
I COMPLETELY AGREE ALEX....AND I WILL BE YOUR AGENT KAREN...YOU WILL BE A MILLIONAIRE, AND THEN THERE WILL BE MOVIES. DO YOU THINK I'M KIDDING? NOT.
Jan in Waterdown
So who would play Karen? Whenever I read a book that I think would make a good movie, I cast the characters in my head (I aslo read with the appropriate accent where required). I'm thinking Kate MacKinnon from Saturday Night Live?
Deb Brennan
Karen would play Karen!!! :)
Jan in Waterdown
DOH!!! :-/
Laura
Alex, I am in complete agreement with you on this. Karen, you need to write a book. I will buy it, I swear.
MaryJo
I'm tickled pink that I stumbled across your blog a couple of weeks ago. I don't even remember how I found it, but I had a marathon of trying to read every single one of your blog posts and couldn't tear myself away for 3 or 4 days--honest to god! You are the best, Karen! I especially love this post with that hilarious picture.
Karen
MaryJo, I think you spelled "beautiful" wrong. I can't believe I kept you entertained for 4 days. I'm quite proud of myself and therefore in a good mood. Extra treats for Edgar tonight. Welcome to my site! ~ karen!
holly
OMG - 1st, Shana, you are going to hate me. Karen, I so get your reaction. My story. I live in Arizona. I walk into the kitchen without my glasses on one day. I see a couple of dishes in the sink from the night before. Start running hot water..see what I think is a twistie tie like they use on loaves of bread protruding out from underneath a bowl. Don't want that to go into the disposal, so pick it up to throw it away. It starts vibrating!!!! I will never forget that feeling. I throw it onto the counter next to the sink, grab my scorpion killer, (knew what it was), looked at it and it was thrusting its tail into the air over its back like it was wanting to sting me, I soak the crap out of it, all the while emitting sounds most likely similar to yours, Karen, and retching, and saying Oh My God. Scoop it into the sink, and down the disposal it goes., all the while retching. I wear my glasses at all times now.
Shana Beirne
I don't know where the emoji is for crying uncontrollably with snot bubbles coming out of my nose, but there needs to be one. And I would insert it here. I don't hate you.
holly
Oh, Shana, thank you : ) I'm sorry to kill something so close to your heart.
Karen
You killed Shana's nipple? ~ karen
Shana Beirne
It's ok. I'm actually kind of used to it. Not many people love invertebrates the way I do. For some reason when people find out that I love inverts, they feel the need to tell me about how they kill them. It's kind of like I'm a priest and they're going to confessional. I absolve you of all of your invert sins. ;)
I was wondering what that tingling feeling was.
holly
rofl!
Shana Beirne
It's ok. I'm actually kind of used to it. Not many people love invertebrates the way I do. For some reason when people find out that I love inverts, they feel the need to tell me about how they kill them. It's kind of like I'm a priest and they're going to confessional. I absolve you of all of your invert sins. ;)
Tracie Berry
Spiders and centipedes and basements, oh my! Freaky shit I have to say...but I do admire pajama day. In fact, I love it so much it's a daily occurrence at my place. It does not mean unproductive, just unrestrictive...Plus, I love cats. My cat Tigs, (yes, SOA Tigs) is the best cat I've ever had. And I've had plenty. I doubt very much that any spider, or crawly thing could prevent Christmas from happening at your house. Love it Karen, and love you too! Boo!
Betty
OMG, you are one funny woman. KILL those centipedes and feed Edgar. Keep us posted!! Happy Halloween ...
Karen
Trust me. I will keep everyone posted Betty, lol! Bleh. ~ karen
Shana Beirne
I love this post! I am an entomologist, and as such it is a requirement to own some type of arachnid. Just trust me on this one. I have had a scorpion since it first climbed off its mother's back and it is now about 8 months old. It is going to be a gi-normous scorpion when it is fully grown. I have been referring to it as "he", since sexing a scorpion is apparently extremely difficult until they are adults. And if you know what you're doing. Anyway, I haven't named "him", so I'm going to name "him" Edgar if that's ok with you. I love that name! And if "he" turns out to be a "she", then Edgar is still perfect. I love him no matter how he turns out. :)
Karen
Are you kidding? I think naming your Scorpion Edgar after my Edgar is GREAT! ~ karen
Kim from Milwaukee
Are you saying it like 'Egger' from the movie Men in Black? That's what I'm imagining anyway.
Jody
Karen ,you know how you do reader profiles occasionally......well I'm nominating Shana. Who keeps a scorpion as a pet???!!
Shana Beirne
Yay!
Debbie from Illinois
Girl, you are crazy!!!! Lol! The good sort of crazy!!!! Happy Halloween right back at ya. :-)