Yeah, I thought that would get your attention. It sure got mine.
Last week when I told the story about my sister accidentally lining her lips with black eyeliner in the middle of a grocery store, a reader commented with something along the lines of "I see your lip liner story and raise you a Brushing my teeth with Vagisil".
And yes, I'm pretty sure there's only one kind of Vagisil.
We've all done it. Something stupid/embarrassing and (many years or beers later), hilarious. In fact one of the most read posts on my website is all about a a girl, a first date and a fart.
As soon as I read NinaMargoJune's comment about the Vagisil I immediately thought of the time I decided to try to multitask by brushing my teeth while I was sitting on the toilet. I sat, I peed, I brushed and by force of habit when the time came that I needed to spit my toothpaste out, I did that too. All over the bathroom floor.
I'm pretty conditioned to think there's a sink under my face when I'm brushing my teeth.
And then last summer, in another episode of trying to save time I decided if I just jigged my leaf blower a certain way I'd be able to eliminate one of the leaf blowing steps. My leaf blower is also a leaf sucker that has a bag attached that all the shredded leaves go into. Every 10 minutes or so I have to pull off the big, heavy bag, and empty it into a paper yard bag. It's a bit of a pain. I'm very, very smart, so I figured I could just eliminate that attached bag altogether and just keep a yard bag under the leaf blower so all the shredded leaves would fall right into that. Here's a picture so you have a better idea of what I'm talking about ...
See how I got rid of the bag that attaches to the leaf blower and threw it aside so I could implement my better idea of holding the blower directly over a paper yard bag? See how happy I am? How smoothly it all went? That was in my imagination. How I pictured it would go. This is how it actually went ...
There I was standing out on the sidewalk on a Saturday afternoon, when WHOOMP. I forgot that the very, very, rapidly, fast moving air that sucks the leaves up into the leaf sucker, blows them out with the same force. Air came flying out of the bottom of the leaf blower, hit the leaves that were already in the paper yard bag and sent them flying into the air all around me like an atomic bomb. And it happened in an instant.
I had leaves in my bra. In my ears. In my mouth.
You want to know what my first thought was the SECOND this happened? OMG I hope everyone saw that. It was too funny not to be shared. It was like something out of a cartoon. So I looked around, up and down the street and not a single person saw. This wasn't like when you half trip while walking down the street alone and hope no one saw. THIS was something people needed to see!
Nobody saw. A moment of accidental comedic genius wasted.
It was awful.
It could have been embarrassing this moment, but it was just so ridiculous, so perfect, SO hilarious ... it wasn't.
That time I was on a cruise and upon meeting the ship's Captain at dinner and blurted out "How do you do?" like I was a debutante. THAT was embarrassing. Or the time in highschool when a boy I had a crush on said hi and I said "Greetings" back. GREETINGS? Evidently I am bound and determined to make a really weird first impression at all times.
So. Now it's your turn. I'm sure you all have much better examples of stupidity than I do. Because as I established near the beginning of this post I am smart, smart, smart.
(One second I was the coolest girl on the street, the next I looked like I was about to slowly rise out of the bushes in the jungles of Vietnam.)
Have a good weekend!
p.s. If you read my 10 Seed Starting Tips post on Wednesday and the link to my half price ($15) seed starting video was broken, I've fixed it so here you go ... I personally email out the course information packet so if you don't get it immediately it's only because I was asleep when your order came in. It's coming. I promise.
In 3rd grade I was at a friends birthday skate party and she got these amazing Barbie skates as a gift. So we were eating cake, drinking red punch and I spilled my entire cup into her new skates. She cried and could not be consoled for what seemed like an hour. So embarrassing omg lol
Hahaha I love your stories. I hear that like Eliza Doolittle "how DO you do" lol
In the mid 70s I was a plain, awkward, dateless 15 year old sophomore in Human Relations class with my equally naive best friend and half of the starting lineup on football team. The teacher had us break into pairs to answer questions and present them to the class. One of the questions was "What is the average number of times a month a married couple has sexual intercourse?" My friend and I gave this serious consideration and calculated the minimum would be two times a day (morning and night) multiplied by five (work week), plus three times daily on Saturday and Sunday, totaling 16. We rounded up to 20 reasoning that since 16 was the minimum, the average must be higher. Then multiplied 20 by 4. My friend and I were the first to be called and we stated confidently, "We believe married couples have sexual intercourse an average of 80 times a month." The entire class (and teacher) burst out laughing. We were mortified to hear the answer was 3. Thank god there was no social media back then.
When I was living in my first apartment I cut my hand really bad and needed a ride to the ER. My mother picked me up and while we were in the waiting room she's holding my keys with my pepper spray attached.
Of course she proceeds to spray it into her own face.
Oh wow - poor mom. You just reminded me of the time my mom was out for dinner at Mandarin & ate a spoonful of wasabi.
This reminds me of the morning I checked my own can of pepper spray to see if it was on safety-- while in the car (in the garage)-- the engine running-- and in reverse (!). Who does that sh**? (OK, me, I guess...) I looked at it, pushed the trigger, and (of course) sprayed myself in the face-- with all the windows rolled up! I rocketed down the driveway like something launched from Cape Canaveral. Finally got my foot on the brake, and belched out of the car doubled over, coughing and gagging. I couldn't stop. Thankfully, there wasn't any traffic in the street. Had a hilarious story to tell the folks at work, though...
My husband is 5.5 years younger than me and when I was 35, I went through a "natural woman" phase and wore no make up and let my hair grow and did not color it so it had quite a bit of gray around the hairline. My husband is baby-faced and had just gotten his hair cut into a flat-top (which was trendy back then) and had on his new leather jacket. He had dropped me and our daughter off at a small craft store and when he came to pick us up, he came in and just sat down at one of the tables that was by the check out. I was checking out and the clerk said to my husband, "Can I help you?" and like most women, I answered for him saying, "Oh, he's with me". The clerk then says sweetly, "Oh, isn't that nice. He's waiting for his MOTHER"!!!!
So, my Dad decided to tell everyone about my brothers surgery for snoring, and proceeded to describe how he has his vulva cauterized. Not sure how many people he told before we corrected it to "uvula". I still laugh, not sure my brother does.
Standing next to my car, I pressed he unlock button on my key fob. Beep beep. I try the door, still locked. Beep beep. Still locked. Did this about 10 times before I saw that mine was the identical car parked next over.
At grocery store, opened drivers door and rear passenger door for young daughter at same time. "Hop in" I say to my daughter while sliding into the drivers seat. Look over to see the 14 year old boy in the front passenger seat staring at me horrified. "Oh my god, sorry, I have the exact same car!" Get out and grab daughter. My car was next row over, with my 13 year old son standing next to it looking horrified. "Mom! He goes to my school!" The look on that poor kid's face.
Turns out that our very small town has a disproportionate number of light blue RAV4s. We should probably start locking them.
Many many moons ago my very inner city ghetto school had a year end trip toa nice camp in the country.
A girl in my class and I had garbage duty on the first night ehich entailed going out in the dark, down a dirt trail to a fairly well lit mini dump.
As mean as it is I should mention that my class mate was also fairly plump, had orange curly hair and a rather squeeky voice.
She decided we needed to take a weapon with us, for protection against bears, a broom was her weapon of choice.
When we finally got to "the pit" there was a very large fat racoon looking for some tastey bits, my classmate started screaming and repeatedly swing the broom up and down over her head with a bowing motion at poor Mr. Racoon, so he started screaming, stood up on his back two legs, raised his arms in the air and was bowing back! At the sight of this hilarious Japanese like comedy, I was laughing so hard I not only dropper the bags of garbage I was carrying but I also peed my pants.
That is like a scene from a film. Hilarious.
Once, i was about 12, my parents took my siblings(both older) and i to a Ruby Tuesdays, which had a salad bar. We all wanted the salad bar, there was chocolate pudding as an option but my mom told us that no one was allowed to have the pudding, it would spoil our dinner. So my siblings and i are getting our stuff, moving down the line, and we get to the pudding, and i see a hand reach out in front of me, getting a nice helping full. I didnt look and assumed it was my older brother, so i loudly exclaimed "MOM SAID WE COULDNT HAVE ANY PUDDING!" i look up to see its a probably 30ish year old man and he looks at me with a shocked expression and says "well fine, ill put it back then!" My siblings died of laughter and couldnt wait to tell my parents. I was so embarassed, and then realized the man i yelled at was at the booth next to us. Im pretty sure part of me died that night.
1983. I was a young operations manager of a bank. I was sitting at my desk making my grocery list. While deep in thought I kept tracing and doodling the last item on my list over and over, making it fat and swirly. The phone rang. It was Christine, the bank managers wife, asking to be connected to her husband. I said "SURE, HOLD ON YOGHURT, I'LL TRANSFER YOU!
Good grief! I pulled a muscle or something in my chest tonight & these stories are NOT helping!
I have done many stupid things but will share one.
My boyfriend tells it better, but this one time we went to his sister's farm we were doing the grand tour of the barn to see the calves. There was a handful of kittens, maybe 8 weeks old, and I thought I'd see if I could catch one. My brother in law did try to warn me they were wild. I figured myself to be a kitten whisperer I guess. I caught one & it proceeded to tear me apart. I was jumping around & screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!", trying to pull it off myself. He still dies laughing when he tells that one.
My favourite mom story...
My mom was newly married in 1968 & my dad had bought her a yellow canary. She was cleaning up one day & as usual, vacuumed the bottom of the birdcage out. Unfortunately, her canary got sucked up this time. She had a canister vacuum so pulled the hose off, shoved it in the other end & turned it on reverse. The bird flew out across the room along with the contents of the vac bag. Poor thing didn't survive. She called my dad at work crying & incoherent - he thought the house was burning down or something along those lines...
In high school, I'd been madly in love with a local pool lifeguard from a 'rival' high school for ages. He finally asked me on a date, to a lifeguard party complete with beer - most of us were underage so this was a Big. Deal. I had been on one of my famous 'don't eat all day' diets, so I think I'd had a slice of cantalope all day, so you can imagine how that worked with a bunch of beer. When it was time to leave, I completely collapsed on the stairs in a fit of drunken giggles. Could barely walk. My worried date made me walk around the block before driving me home. Naturally, to impress him, I managed to projectile vomit a couple of times in front of him. Not embarrassing. AT all.
More recently, was working a bit late and had to 'go.' Didn't realize just how badly I had to go; Pavlovian-ly(?) started leaking as I got closer to the bathroom, and by the time I hit the stall, the floodgates had opened. And I had on white pants. Needless to say, stayed at the office till it got dark outsides before venturing out to my car!
BTW Karen, JUST as I had taken a big bite of my dinner. Thanks for that. :-P
Funniest stories I have read in forever. So I feel like I am in good company to share:
I went to a John Mayer concert with a group of serious fans. Like, over-the-top, die-hard, took it personally that he shaved his head unreal groupies. Who happened to win a backstage meet-and-greet with John. Himself. I tried to beg off, wanting another superfan to take my place but the girl I was with wouldn't have it. Her husband didn't attend the concert with us so she brought a piece of sheet music that she wanted me to have John sign for her husband. I am like, ok, no big deal. I barely know who he is. I can do this.......
Fast forward to the meet-and-greet. John Mayer is standing before me, shaking my hand, "Hi, I am John Mayer." I immediately start to sweat. I stutter hello and then blurt out, "Can you sign this music for a friend. He couldn't be with us tonight." John looks at me and I say, "He isn't dead or anything, he just couldn't come to the concert."
Oh, yeah. I killed it.
Ha. Atomic bomb leaf explosion. Reminds me of one time I was in a casino with a full drink. I say it down beside the sink and oops, right under the hurricane force super duper hand dryer machine. It was of course motion activated. Coke EXPLODED straight upwards out of the cup. All over the ceiling, the walls, the mirrors, me. I nearly drowned because I couldn't wipe my face because I was laughing so hard.
Great stories from Karen and your readers. I have been smiling all day.
This happened to my MIL. She was in a hurry to leave the house. There were two spray cans on the counter, one was hairspray, the other WD40. Can you guess which one she used? Sh
I knocked over a tic tac display at the store and man did they scatter. Embarrassing! Nice thing was people stopped to help me retrieve them all!
I was speeding through this stretch of deserted freeway. My husband swore I'd get pulled over by a cop that was going the opposite direction. I said "pfft, there is no way they'd cross over that stretch of weeds", and sure enough the cop crosses over much later, and comes up behind me about 10 mins later. Pulls me over for speeding. The officer says to me "I clocked you over 71 mph" and I laughed and said "sure, it was probably closer to 94"........doi. He laughed, I laughed. I still go the ticket. Now the husband laughed.
That is hilarious! I too, wish there was an easier way to empty the bag! But wait, isn't it easier to suck up leaves than rake them? I love to know all of the shortcuts for things!
As I entered the meeting room full of very important people from the Governor's Office and announced that I was the representative of my department for the topic at hand, I was feeling really good that I was having a good-hair day and wearing my nicest business dress. It wasn't until I reached to pick up my handbag from the floor when the meeting was over that I noticed I was wearing two very different (same color, but nothing else similar) shoes.
Thirty years later, as my husband and I were walking into our favorite restaurant one fine summer evening, I stopped to see if I had a small stone or something in one sandal because it felt funny to walk. On one foot was a Birkenstock with thick straps across the top of my foot, on the other was a stylish leather thong-type.
Those were just embarrassing. The stupidest thing this very smart person did was in the early '70s, during the great gas-shortage crisis, when there were so many gas stations closed. My oil light came on and, no stations to pull into, I stopped at a store and bought a quart of oil. Proud that I could handle this on my own (I was the only 'girl' I knew who pumped my own gas in those days) I popped open my hood in the parking lot, found the place marked "OIL", removed the dipstick, and proceeded to spend half an hour dribbling oil into that tiny little hole. After getting oil all over the engine, I went back in the store and purchased another quart of oil and a funnel. It was still a challenge as I cursed the idiot who would engineer such a stupid thing. Later that evening, my husband pointed to the place a little distance away from the dipstick that said discreetly, "Add oil here" and had a screwtop lid for a decent sized opening.
Ina rush to get to work, I also went out with different boots on, but not even similar. One was black leather and one was beige suede. This was only last week and I had walked a good mile or so before I noticed. I've never walked home so fast in all my life (couldn't run as this would have attracted even more attention).
I needed to go to Staples for something and it was closing (I had a project and wanted to finish....the Staples run was a must, lol) so I threw on some shoes and ran out the door. I stopped at a restaurant for take out after and as I was leaving another lady looked down at my shoes in puzzlement, she was like "Do you realize you are wearing two different shoes?" I looked down and started to laugh and said um nope, but hey it works!! lol..she just looked at me like I had lost my mind and walked off. No sense of humor ;) In my defense the shoes were the same color and both had bows on the front!
A few years back, Dan Akroyd was promoting his label at the LCBO at Queens Quay. I couldn't believe the blethering nonsense that came pouring out of my mouth like cheap wine when I walked up to him and said (amongst other things), "Oh Mr. Akroyd, I just loved you in Ghost Busters!". Ghostbusters? WTF, all I wanted was for him to autograph my bottle of wine. The poor man. You should have heard me when I met Mike Holmes at the Home Show.