So I was walking down the street the other day (which is unusual in itself ... I usually skip or moonwalk down the street) and something very odd happened. I was crossing the road at a non designated crosswalk when a car came speeding around the corner straight at me. Clearly it was my fault I was about to be killed. I should have moonwalked across the non designated crosswalk. I'm a much faster moonwalker than regular walker. Other than the Electric Slide there are very few dance moves I can think of that can move a person across a road quicker than the moonwalk.
Plus it's such a dazzling sight that most people stop what they're doing (even driving) to watch.
So this car is careening towards me and just like they say, everything went into slow motion. I held my hands straight up in front of me because for a split second I thought my arms were definitely strong enough to stop a Buick, the #1 car choice of the elderly.
I'd say the car was maybe a hummingbird's breath away from my shins when I sneezed. I SNEEZED at the exact moment I was about to lose my life to a blue haired scribble of a woman in a brown Buick with a snappy velour bench seat.
It was because of that sneeze that I can't tell you exactly what happened next. In the moment of the sneeze I closed my eyes, as most people do when they sneeze. By the time I'd opened them , Scribble and her car were gone and I had 17 birds on each of my arms, flying me to safety across the road.
True story.
Kind of.
It's actually a complete lie. I wanted to start this post with an interesting story but I didn't have one so I made one up. So sue me. I *am* an excellent moonwalker. That part was true. And the old people driving Buick's thing? Also true.
Perhaps I felt the need for an exciting introduction to today's post because the subject matter is so subdued. It's my porch. Just a porch. But I love it.
Because I work from home the porch is also my break room for 3 seasons of the year. From April until November I wander out there a few times a day to get some air and see actual people.
If I want to talk to people I can give a wave so they see me. If I don't ... I can hunker down in the chair with my coffee and go unseen. Like a ninja. An invisible ninja. A transparent invisible ninja wearing an invisibility cloak of invisibleness. Unless I wave.
I can peer out from the hanging green beans to see what's going on in the neighbourhood yet still feel like I'm kind of in a room.
That's what I like about porches. You're outside ... but you're inside. There's no better place to be during a rainstorm. Except maybe in Costa Rica. Or in the arms of a Costa Rican.
The porch has also become my pantry. It's where my onions and garlic cure. It's where I set the tomatoes I've picked and where I weigh all of my potatoes. I'm weighing my potatoes as I pick them this year so I know how many pounds in total I got for the season.
I take my work breaks a little more often than I did a few months ago.
I've forced myself to stop and smell the garlic. I've taught myself to relax.
I also taught myself the electric slide. Just to be on the safe side.
Karen
I love your porch and those beautiful Kale.
Tigersmom
That is damn impressive heirloom tomato. Sure would make a nice sandwich. Just sayin'.
Your porch is wonderfully inviting. Good work.
And I'm glad to hear you've learned to enjoy it properly. Almost as glad as I am to hear you've learned the electric slide. I would like a video of that please as I only have an inkling of what the electric slide looks like and may want to learn it myself.
Always a good idea to keep a look out for Scribble and her friends, the blue hairs in Buicks. It truly is the old persons car of choice.
Carol
I want to come sit on your porch. It looks lovely. And then I want to have a giant tomato sandwich made out of one of those giant, gorgeous tomatoes.
janie
LOVED the broomstick. "Women are Angels. When someone breaks our wings or heart we continue to fly....on a broomstick. We are flexible that way."
Liz
What an awesome retreat.
BTW, what ever happened to your porch guest, the cat looking for a home ?
Susan Dulley
Good Morning Karen, Well, as usual your have provided my first laugh of the day. I am thinking you fell asleep on your porch, had a dream about a car racing toward you and the "Sneeze" was just your body's alarm system, waking you up. Regardless, that is a pretty funny story. I love your porch, or any porch for that matter, that provides comfort, privacy and a place to escape lifes many trials and tribulations. Yours is beautiful. I am curious though, being a gardener myself, what is the plant, the big purple one in the first photo...some kind of veggie I am imagining, but, it is so decorative. Have a great day, be your creative self and Thank You, Again.
Karen
Hi Susan - That's Dinosaur Kale, otherwise known as Italian Kale or Lacinato Kale. You can see more of it here https://www.theartofdoingstuff.com/the-front-yard-vegetable-garden-update-august/ ~ karen!
Cussot
My slug and earwig population thanks you for suggesting the Lacinato Kale. Can you hear the "Grazie mille" from the crowd of at least that number lunching on it right now? How did you keep the hordes from chowing down on yours?
Karen
I use BTK on mine. I don't have a slug problem, but have a huge cabbage worm problem. If you ever see those small white moths hovering over your plant, they're laying eggs that will turn into those awful green caterpillar things that eat your plants. BTK is a biological type pesticide that organic growers use. It works great if you can remember to spray the plant. ~ karen!
Cussot
Oh, I remember your pictures of those critters, come to think of it (they haunt me still). Thanks - I'll try BTK next season. I'm hoping the creatures will die and I'll get a final flush of leaves in the late autumn before the snow falls. Either that or I'll starve and the colony will die out over winter.
Venesa
I'd love a video of exactly 17 birds carrying you to safety! :)
Dagmar
Your porch makes me jealous. I have a balcony that consists of boys stuff. Mostly stuff that I never want to see inside the house...tires, stinky equipment, tools, a couple of plastic chairs, and just odds and ends stuff. I've tried tackling it once or twice, but I decided it wasn't worth the tetanus shot.
Lu
Do it Dagmarrr!!! I had a long narrow balcony on my first apartment in Italy when I was new to apartment living, I made it beautiful with fencing and plants (my neighbours shouted at me because in October I used to go out with my 2yr old whilst he used to bath and play in a large basin out there (24 degrees is a 'scorcher of a summer' in Lancashire England) anyway I don't know if that's the kind of balcony you're referring to but go and own it you can have a new room all to yourself x
Sara S
After a pretty crummy day, not able to sleep, I get out of bed and read your e-mail. You certainly know how to put life in perspective, and I thank you. I agree, that moonwalking video would be of interest. By the way, I am not that old, but do drive an older model Buick, and they are huge. Haven't got the blue hair, yet. You are wonderful!
Lynn
Just one word.....Serenity!!!
Shel
SERENITY NOW!!!!
Are you supposed to yell it?
The man on the tape wasn't specific...
Kylee from Our Little Acre
Thank God you're okay. That was close.
Vickie
P.S. ~ I also use "BUCKOCK" in the subject line when I forward any of your chicken posts to my kids!
Karen
Hah! ~ k
Kim
I love your front porch too! I love everything about it but I especially love the weathered "display" ladder (a fav look of mine) and the hanging beans. Brilliant! Glad you weren't killed by Scribble (Scribble?).
shauna
Delightful. All of it - the scary story, the moonwalking, the heirloom tomatoes and the invisibility schtick. Made my day. Thanks Karen.
Karen
Thanks Shauna. Glad you enjoyed it! ~ karen
Vickie
Digressing here...BUCKOCK!! Thank you for spelling the noise my chickens make during that "egg announcement" which makes you sit straight up in bed wondering...do they need food, whopper of an egg or raccoon in the coop!! Chickens have a fairly limited vocabulary I have found. I shared your post with my kids and now that word has entered our lexicon :-)
Sharon CJ
Down here in Texas, they cluck with an accent. It's PUHK-ACK!
Ella
Yes, please "do" the "art of moonwalking". Btw-your porch looks fab. I love the idea of putting up the onions and garlics on display. Mine are in the dark garage, where no one see them!
Natika
Particularly gorgeous photography today! I also love your hideaway that's not really a hideaway. I think I did the same thing when I was a kid only it involved climbing a tree first.
I cannot moonwalk despite repeated attempts to learn it, so add me to the list of people who want a tutorial video!
Estee
I’d love to see you give a video demonstration on how to moonwalk. I always wanted to know how to moonwalk..
Karen
I'm on it. ~ karen
Ruth
Looking forward to it. :D
Nancy Blue Moon
OK!! But you also have to wear your red Micheal Jackson jacket!! WHO-HOO!
Jill
When my son (now 44 y.o.) was learning how to moonwalk with his friends I was horrified to find out their method. They poured a bottle of vegetable oil on my kitchen floor so they would slide better. Oh the joys of teenagers.
Marti
Does my government know that their bags (stamped with their name, USDA) are now ensconced on your porch? See, this is how our taxes get so high here in the United States: we start letting all our good crud get airlifted up to Canada to be made into seating for people who are resting up from their moonwalking. ("Hello??? The 1980's are calling. They want their weirdness back!")
I'm telling. Someone from the FBI will contact you within the week.
Karen
You have the Funny Bunch Imitators down there too?!! I love them. They're great. When they call I'm gonna ask if I can have tickets to their next show. Thanks! ~ karen
Sia
Marti, I really want you to start your own blog... and I'm sure I'm not the only one.
You don't need to get all involved and stuff... Your replies to Karen will do just fine. Although you may have to get permission from her. And she does seem like the sabotager type... You'll find a way...
If you post it, they will come...
Marti
Thanks Sia, but I'm pretty content (at the moment) to read Karen's blog, tease her a bit and be supportively amused.
Susie
I'd love to see you give a video demonstration on how to tie garlic. I'm sure I could find it on youtube but you'd be a lot more fun, I'm sure.
Karen
O.K. ... https://www.theartofdoingstuff.com/how-to-braid-garlic-or-onionsphoto-video-tutorial/ ~ karen
JBB
For a moment I was terrorized that you were about to ask for an electric slide vid. Whew.
Janet
That's what I want. The electric slide video. Never have learned to dance that. Went to Hawaii with a group of girlfriends several years ago and when the DJ at this dancin' and drinkin' joint yelled out "hey, it's Electric Slide time!", All the girls...Yes, all of them, except me, ran out on the dance floor. It looked like SO MUCH fun! But I didn't join in...I could see it was one of those dances that if you didn't know it, you could be trampled to death by the real dancers...that, and beings as I wasn't drunk enough at that point, decided I'd best play it safe. I'm thinking a E.S. dance tutorial is a great idea...in case I ever get another chance. BTW...LOVE your porch! Great place to kick back with a glass if ice tea!
Grammy
I would prefer to see a video of the moonwalk. Buick-in-the-background optional.